Supercuts

I got a haircut a couple of days ago. Unfortunately, I barely have enough money to afford Supercuts. And Supercuts is one step above just cutting my hair myself with a dull butter knife.

The reason I hate going to Supercuts is because it's like gambling. You never know if you're going to get someone who knows what they're doing because they actually went to Haircutting School, or wherever it is haircutters go to, Haircutting Academy, I don't know... or if you're going to get someone who just fucks your hair up because they have no clue what they are doing and they are just happy to be able to make some money to support their crack habit.

It's kind of like playing craps, you walk in like, "Come on, Please let me get gay guy! Or please let me get black guy! No old white lady! AND PLEASE no ASIAN lady!!! For the love of God, NO ASIAN LADY!... Oh crap, I got the Asian Lesbian! I'm SCREWED!"

I don't know why most Asian lady's cannot cut hair. They give everyone the same 1970 Bruce Lee bowl head haircut. Is cutting hair really that hard. It's not like driving a car is involved. Haha, I'm such a hack.
Anyways, when going to Supercuts, you usually just hope for the best. You just want them to get your hair in the general ballpark of where you want it, and then you can go home and fix it up better. I'm glad only haircuts are like that and not other things like cars. Go to Pep Boys and just hope they get your car running well enough to get you home, where you can finish the job. Or go to the doctor and get him to give you just enough medicine to relieve your STD for the day and you'll finish healing it on your own at home. And yes I referred to my doctor as a him, because if I have an STD, I sure as hell don't want a female doctor to know. Who knows, she may tell her other female doctor friends and then I'm screwed when I'm at my next doctors convention hitting on female doctors.

So where was I going with this long tirade? Oh yeah, I went to Supercuts and there is a gay Mexican guy who does a great job and so I always hope for him. Unfortunately, some new lady popped out and so I had to let her cut my hair. This lady looks like she was probably once good looking, like 10 or 15 years ago, but then she ran into some bad luck or maybe rehab a few times, and so now she's kind of torn down. So now she has low self-confidence and low self-esteem. You know, the kind of girls that are just my type! Well she did a horrible job on my hair. Spent like 5 minutes cutting my hair, mostly with one hand like she was scarred to touch my head. My lice has been cleared up for 3 days now, so it was safe to touch my head. So she finishes, I get her phone number, and I head home to try and finish the job.

On another note, I realized that I've had a similar hair do for like 7 years now. I need a new look. I think the whole Ricky Martin Living La Vida Loca hair do may be a little tired now. Any suggestions on what my next look should be?

Horrible Morning Radio Shows

Now that I work 6am-2pm and now that I have a car stereo again, I've started listening to morning radio shows. I tuned into Kiss FM with Ryan Seacrest. This dude is like a big vagina with frosted hair. Everytime I listen, he's siding with girls about how bad guys are. And then he helps girls test their men with this segment called Ryan's Roses. This is where a girl has the radio station call their boyfriend and they ask him who he wants to send free flowers that he won to. If he doesn't say his gf then he's cheating. I know that the guy shouldn't have been cheating, but damn Ryan, why don't you ever set girls up to take a fall? I mean, if your going to catch a guy, at least test him with a hooker so if the guy cheats, he at least leaves with a blowjob as a parting gift.

Listening to his show is like listening to a radio version of The View with less testosterone. I know people always tease him about being gay, but I really do think he is gay. He talks to girls as a gay guy would. Always taking their side and saying the guy is a dog. He's the Gay Best Friend!

Unfortunately, there aren't many good or decent morning talk shows in LA. 100.3 the Beat isn't that good. John Sally is as funny as a puppy drowning. And Ananda or whatever her name is, tries to sound smart but really isn't. She's like one of those guys who go to jail, read a book, and try to come out acting as if they are now intellectuals who understand the world and politics and economics and tries to use big words, but they use them incorrectly. It's like slow down GED, lets learn the alphabet before you try quoting Socrates. And John Sally tries to act like he's all about the community. Come on Sally, you were a NBA player. We know you don't care. You were the unfunniest person on The Best Damn Sports Show Period, and that show had TOM ARNOLD on it! How can you host a radio show?

I haven't listened much to Big Boy on Power 106 because they are number 4 on my dial, and by the time I get around to that number I usually give up and put my IPod on. I'm not sure if it's good or not, so I won't give any comments.

But the WORST of the morning shows has to be Adam Corrolla on 97.1 Free FM. Oh my god! I know the ads say he's as funny as he thinks he is, and they are right. He's the only one who thinks he's funny. Every skit fails. It's like listening to a poorly ran college radio station. Together Corrolla and Jimmy Kimmel are pretty funny on the Man Show. Seperately, you wonder how they ever made it. Corrolla makes Andy Milonakis and Tom Green look like a comedy geniuses.

Ok, well that's my little rant for the day. You know who the best radio show is? Frosty, Heidi and Frank on Free FM from 10am-3pm. They are freakin hilarious and I listen to them when I drive home from work.

Who do you guys think are good or bad on radio? I'm in the market for new shows to listen to.

Damn I'm Skinny

I decided it's time to lose weight and get back down to the weight I was at when I was a runningback in high school. I'm hoping to get to 220-ish.

I started to do this new diet called Nutrisystem, where they send you prepackaged food for you to eat. Basically you eat a healthy combination of carbs, protein, fruit, vegatables and water. I started on Thursday and in the past 4 days I've lost a freakin 6 pounds. Not bad for four days. I'm tellin ya, I'm freakin SKINNY now. I'm like annorexic looking. I look like the third Olsen sister. Ok, well maybe not that skinny yet.

Someone actually asked me why I was on a diet though. Are you freakin kidding me. Look at me. I'm huge! You know you need to lose some weight when you go to Supercuts and they can't even snap the hair bib around your neck. They got to tuck it into your collar. It would also be nice to be able to walk up to my second floor apartment without having to take a break inbetween floors. Is it normal to get winded while putting on shoes? Not even regular shoes, flip flops!

Ok, well enough dissing my weight. I'm determined to lose it now. To be honest, I stayed big for the past few years because I like food and I was getting ALOT of work as a big guy. Being big made me stand out and it was profitable. But now it's time to look after my health. Plus I haven't seen my penis in years...haha.. jk. My penis (I call him Winky) is my best friend and I see him at least every half hour for play time. So be on the look out. I'm going to start posting pictures of me as I lose weight. Hopefully it doesn't turn out to be like 2 pictures of me. One pic at my heaviest and the other is me 8 pounds lighter after a year of dieting.

Stay tuned and be on the look out for the new Robert Martinez.

Make 'em say UHHHHHHH!!!

Guess who I just auditioned for????

Nope... guess again....

That's right, Master P! Damn, you're a good guesser.

My manager got me an audition for Master P. I guess he is doing some films and is looking for people to fill some roles. And honestly, who wouldn't want to be in a sequel to the Award Winning Blockbuster of a film, I Got the Hook Up! Hahaha, I auditioned for I Got the Hook Up Vol. 2 and to my surprise, Master P was actually doing the auditions himself. He's also directing the film. I was kind of shocked, because usually people who are big time don't go to first auditions. Plus I thought he was off ballroom dancing with some celebrities or ice skating, or whatever show he did. All kidding aside, I'm a huge fan of Master P. I guess it's a southern thang! I mean, "Freak Hoes, bounce that ass and make your knees touch your elbows!" Brilliant! And one of my favorite songs is his song, Rock Tha Boat.

So the audition was basically looking for comedic characters or comedians. So I went in and did two of my bits. And guess what? I BOMBED horribly. They barely laughed. I know that there were only 4 of them, but still, a little response wouldn't have hurt. I don't know if my material was too sophisticated. I started off with my clever joke about racial stereotypes and when that didn't go over well, I did a fat joke and got what little response I could.

I was a little embarrassed at first, because I originally thought it was an audition for one of his music videos. So my ass walks in wearing a thong and booty shorts... talk about feeling AWKWARRRRRRD.

So even though I messed up the audition and will probably never get a Master P film now (my one chance at getting an Oscar :( it was cool meeting Master P... or "P" as I call him now that we're best friends. And yes, I do the air quotes when I say P too. I'm hip. I'm with it.
So that was my exciting audition for the day. I also got called by a casting director who said the director saw my pic and wanted me to do a VERY featured role in an Anthony Hopkins film. I'm like WHAAAAAAAT!!!!!! Then my bubble got burst, because it was just extra work which I can't do. :(

Well hopefully something good comes along soon and I get a great gig. I sure could use the money. I'm starting my Nutrisystem diet this week. So that's an extra $300/month. I figure it's time to get serious and get back down to my sexy Robert weight. I know it's only 5 less pounds than what I'm at now, but I'm determined to get there ;)

New Commercial

Well things have been going pretty well. I shot an Eastwood Insurance commercial a week ago. Unfortunately, the Eastwood Cowboy wasn't in my commercial, he's off shooting Brokeback Mountain 2 or something.

The commercial is basically a bunch of people in the ER with head injuries because everyone fainted after seeing their insurance rates. I was one of the principals, so I had a scene where I walk into the ER and another scene where I'm being inspected by the doctor. I tried to get a prostate exam for the fun of it, but the "doctor" kept trying to tell me he was just an actor. Obviously, he wasn't very committed to his character, because a real actor would have strapped a glove on and got to poking.

So I'm looking forward to seeing my commercial. It'll probably air during daytime tv. I'm also up for some other commercials including a Comedy Central Promo, a Budweiser commercial and a Japanese print ad.

Today I go in for callbacks for the Japanese print ad. Once again I'm required to show some skin and take my shirt off and pose in a swimsuit. I guess showing my skin is just one of the curses of being so sexy. What's funny is that I skipped the original audition because I had a heat rash on my titty and was embarrassed so I didn't go cuz of car trouble. Then they called me back for the callbacks, when I didn't even audition, so I guess they want to see me badly.

Well that's just a little update on what's happening. If I book something else soon I'll post again with some more details and I'll have more time to be funny.

Right now I'm getting my apartment ready for an Oscars get-together. I feel so "Sex in the City" right now, ie the gay best friend :(

To counter this I'm rooting for every non-gay film to win! GO TRANSAMERICA!!!!