A look back and a look forward

So for my own selfish reasons, I'd like to take a look back at my 2005 resolutions and then make new resolutions for 2006. I'm doing it in my blog so that I have a record of it and can check it whenever I want. Feel free to read this if you're interested, otherwise, kick rocks. ;)

Here is a copy of my 2005 blog resolutions:

Here are my new year's resolutions for 2005. Some are for real and some aren't. Only I will know what is what.

1. Sign with a talent agency in Los Angeles.
(did pretty well here. Actually, I signed with 3 agencies in one year. My first agency only lasted a few months before I switched to my current commercial agent. Also signed with a theatrical agent and a personal manager. Go me!)

2. Lose 80 lbs.
(Um, didn't do too well here. Actually booked to do a commercial for Hoodia, the new weight loss supplement, and um, well they kicked me off the project because I gained 5 pounds over the month instead of losing weight... it was water retention, I swear!)

3. Be successful in acting and comedy, not having to get an extra job.
(Well I was successful, but not financially successful, so I had to get a job working for a call center for Ultimate Shopping Network. The job sucks, but the coworkers are awesome!)

4. Make 10 new friends in LA.
(I may have reached this goal. I made all my friends within the last couple of months, so I barely pulled it off.)

5. Appear in a television show or movie.
(I did an MTV tv show, I guess I'll count it, even if it's reality tv. But my homemade porno hasn't been picked up by any distributors or downloaded on Limewire yet :(

6. Discover the cure for Cancer or at least cure my athlete's foot.
(I almost cured my crotch itch.)

7. See what all the fuss over fake breasts is about.
(Unfortunately, still waiting to find out. Every time I see a fake breast, it's usually running away from me. The closest I've come to a fake breast is eating at KFC, hahahahahahahah, wacka wacka wacka!)

8. Run a mile in 8 minutes.
(I can't even drive a mile in 8 minutes in stupid LA traffic! I've gotten so out of shape, my new goal is to run 8 minutes straight.)

9. Work out at least 4 times per week.
(I was going more for the "work out 4 times per month", and I don't think I met that quota)

10. Start using 2 ply toilet paper.
(Almost started doing this, then I found toilet paper at the 99 cent Store!)

11. Don't pick nose in public and then flick it at people I don't know.
(Still working at this. Now I only flick it at people I do know.)

12. Don't laugh at people when they trip and fall.
(I learned my lesson about doing this, when the person got up and kicked my ass. But I guess it was partly my fault since I did trip her in the first place. Stupid 2nd Grader.)

13. Stop watching so much porno... or at least before 9 AM.
(I don't watch porno anymore... ok I'm lying.)

14. Start waking up after 9 AM. (I wake up at 5 freakin-am now for my stupid job!)

15. And finally... Enjoy my first year in La La Land! (I've had a blast and am glad I made the move! To everyone I've met so far, thank you for helping this be a great year.)

2006 Resolutions

Lose 60 lbs. - I'm serious this time!
Get a guest star role in a tv show.
Land a national commercial.
Get a small role in a feature film.
Make 10 new really good friends. Sorry to my old new friends, but you must be replaced, jk ;)Work out at least 3 times/week.
Make lots of money and get out of debt.

Yo Momma Update

Note: I had posted this earlier and decided to take it down until after the show had aired after being cautioned by some friends, because I didn't want MTV to sue me over hinting at the outcome. But people have been asking what happened, so I've edited it so that there's no hint and just wrote about what happened.


What's going on everyone? I know you all are sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear the outcome of the MTV Yo Momma finals. Well get the pins out of your ass, because I'm about to dish the dirt girlfriend.

So first off, let me explain that the episode consists of semifinals for two areas of LA, a home invasion, and then the finals between the two winners of each semifinal. My episode is Torrance vs East LA. If you read the earlier post, you'll know that I unexpectedly won Torrance and moved to the finals.

So a week or two later we did the home invasion, where I go to the other guys place with Wilmer Valderrama to "get dirt" on him, and he comes to my place with Wilmer to "get dirt" on me. For those of you naive people, who think Reality TV is really real, I'm about to give you a wake up. They fake so much shit.

The people from Yo Momma plant things in your place in order to give them things to make fun of and laugh at. Of course, the producers of the show are very two-faced and told me they were just adding some "gags" for fun, but that it wouldn't be bad because they like me and don't want me to look bad. When they came over, they gave me some money so I'd leave to go eat lunch and not see what they planted. Having the self-control of a starving dog, I gladly took the money and headed to the nearest buffet. Now I know why they wanted me gone. Apparently, they planted things such as a penis pump or enlarger, dick pump, wrote "The doctor called and said your test results were in, they were positive," pink boas, pink fluffy pillows, beer bongs and beer cans everywhere, pizza boxes and junk food bags everywhere, including under my pillows, along with diet books like South Beach diet, amongst other things. So they basically made me look like a limp-dicked, alcoholic, overeating yo-yo dieter gay guy with a disease. How fun! Nice little harmless "gags" except for the people who think it's really shit in my room. Fortunately, there aren't too many stupid people in America who believe everything they see on tv right??? Oh wait, Bush was elected TWICE...so there goes my image on MTV. Now I'll never be able to land those 16 year old girls I hit on at the mall...

So, I wouldn't be too upset if the planting was even in both places. Here's what they planted in the other guys room: juice boxes, a can of spam, a can of vienna sausages, and possibly a pair of big girl panties... How hilarious...

Oh yeah, let me talk about Wilmer for a little bit. This guy showed up with an actual driver/bodyguard. Are there people out there who really care about hurting Fez! Oh lord, what would the world do if something happened to the fourth most popular character on That 70's Show. Maybe he thinks he was still dating Lindsey Lohan or maybe he thinks he's Ashton Kutcher. So he goes around the room and points out things and tries to make funny remarks and I was supposed to follow him around and laugh at his jokes and try to throw in some jokes of my own about the guys stuff. The only time Wilmer was funny was when he tried to say an "S" word with that gay lisp of his. The only time I laughed was when he had trouble with his English and had to get help from a producer. I know I'm dissing him a lot, but that's because he acted like a dick around me. I would do some jokes and he would dismiss it without a laugh or anything. So after he did this, I stopped laughing at any of his jokes and had a bored expression on my face. The same kind of expression I have when I watch That 70's Show.

Ok, so a week goes by and it's time for the finals which was this past Saturday night. Sorry to those I didn't give the information too. Honestly, I was debating on whether to do well or try and make waves, and so I didn't want people who knew me there if I was going to screw up. The reason I was going to make waves is because I didn't know if I wanted to win, because Yo Momma jokes are hard as hell to come up with, especially original, pop culture ones, which is what I was told they wanted. So I was thinking about showing up and doing a lot of jokes at the expense of Wilmer. Such as "Yo Momma so stupid, she paid to see Party Monster." For those who don't know, Party Monster was a horrible movie that Wilmer was in. But I actually came up with a lot of orginal jokes and got help from my friend Miguel and some other Bay Area comedians, so I was like what the hell, I'll go ahead and try to win so I can make some extra money. Plus the winner goes to the Best of the Best show, where the winner gets an extra $1000 plus a PSP, which I really wanted.

So I show up and all the producers are like, yeah, this guy is unprepared, you should have no problem with it. It's probably going to be a blowout, you will likely be the winner. Blah blah blah bullshit bullshit. So the finals is three parts, a freestyle yo momma jokes section, then dissing each other's houses based on what we saw, and then a final knockout joke. The other guy had about 2 yo momma jokes. He spent the ENTIRE show just doing fat jokes about me. Nothing clever and lots of times he had to stop taping because he would freeze and couldn't think of anything to say. Then the producers would go and give him some jokes to do. Also, the audience is split up into two sides. So his side is supposed to be "East LA" even though there was not one Hispanic extra in the bunch. My side was SUPPOSED to be on my side, unfortunately, he had a lot of friends on my side who ended up rooting for him. This is bad because when I would do a joke, his side would boo, no matter what and my side barely cheered. Also, they couldn't hear me very well because it was outside and my back was to them. I know you are probably thinking, this guy is full of excuses. Well screw you, I'm just telling you how it was.

So I did a grip of jokes, lots of them getting little response because my friends that were there said they could barely hear me. The other guy, I will give him, was very animated with good delivery. But that's about it. So then came the time to diss each other's pads. I had barely any jokes for that, because they didn't give me anything to work with. They showed me on a tv what they are going to show from his room, and the majority of the things that they did plant were cut out, so it was shit like a Lisa Leslie basketball book under his pillow and scalpels in his closet, stupid shit that isn't funny. So he won that round because he made fun of all the things they planted. That's how I found out about the penis pump and pills. I was caught off guard by this, so didn't respond very quickly, because I wasn't expecting that.

The final knockout joke, my was better, his was another fat joke. I said, "yo momma's so easy, they named a sitcom after her called, "That 70's Ho". Will and the other two hosts deliberated for a really long time, so they were probably debating on who'd be a better winner for the netxt show. It took a long time for them to come back with a winner and I was surprised by the ending! You'll have to watch to see what happened. (This was my MTV suckup so that they can't say I said who won.)

Oh, someone told me Will is dating Ashlee Simpson, which is funny because I did a "Yo momma so stupid, she's tutored by Jessica Simpson" joke.

Here are some other gems:
They call your mom's mouth the Insane Asylum because she's had so many nuts in it.

Yo momma so ugly, the day after she was born they invented the morning after pill.

Yo momma so poor, her car breaks down more than Mariah Carey.

I can't remember the others because I've thrown out all the yo momma jokes I had written down. Oh here's another messed up part. One of the producers was talking shit about me to my friends before the show. I've typed so much, I won't go into detail, but he's a little punk ass bitch who thinks that he has a lot of power even though he works on a MTV Reality show that probably won't last more than 1 or 2 seasons, depending on how desperate MTV is for shows.
Hopefully I see him someday, so I can bitch slap him with a penis pump.

The Best of the Best show was that Monday evening. I can't say what happened or if I was there because it'll give away the ending to the other show.

Oh well. Oh yeah, so I filmed a commercial for Normandie Casino that will be played on local Time Warner cable, so be on the look out for it. I don't have Time Warner so if you see it, let me know.

And that my friends, was the ending to my Yo Momma joke telling career, and probably my MTV career... The show starts in February, so if you have 30 minutes to kill because you have absolutely nothing else to do or because you are immobilized in front of the tv and the remote control is missing and your eyes have been paralyzed open, and the channel is set to MTV, then watch my show. Looking forward to hearing your comments... but please don't give me any comments like...

That's show business (No shit Sherlock)
You should know that reality shows do things like that (Fuck off)
I want to have your babies (I have enough kids that I don't know about)

Wow, I finally did a reality show... it just hit me! It's official, I'm a loser! When the show airs in February or March, I'll give more feedback and discuss whatever they decided to show.

I'm too sexy for this blog

So it's official, I'm a model. You all thought I was full of it when I said I plan on being the world's first plus size male model. But now you doubters can choke on my bacne.

Yesterday I shot my first print gig. It's for the advertisement of the upcoming film Fast Food Nation, based on the best selling book about fast food chains and the industry and it's effect on our country. As you can see, I'm a prime example of the effects fast food has on a person's body... it's makes us unbearably beautiful. So, I got paid a lot of money to pose and eat a huge Carl Jr's burger. And when they pitch it to the head honchos, if they pick one of my pictures to be the final print, then you guys may see me on posters advertising the movie.

It was cool doing a photo shoot. Usually I hate doing photo shoots for headshots, so this was a nice change. Of course throwing a big burger at me can make any event fun. You can shave my testicals with a rusty knife and I'll be happy if you throw some beef at me.

And I have a confession to make... I showed some skin... yes... I went topless for some of the shots. I felt like one of those midwestern girls who move to LA with big dreams and end up getting naked for a photographer. It was a little awkward though when the photographer looked up and saw me topless and asked me to please stop stripping and put my clothes on, because it wasn't that kind of shoot. I giggled and wiped the cocaine from my nose and put my shirt back on and pulled my pants back up over my g-string.

I also had to do some plumber shots, showing my butt crack. I wish I could say this was the first time I've ever had to do this... but it's not. I had to show some booty in this short film I did earlier this past summer. What can I say, the people demand to see my ass. Now I know what Jennifer Lopez feels like. Don't worry though, I'm still Robbie from the Block.

So it was a cool experience and hopefully they pick me for the final print and I get some exposure off of it. January 7th marks my one year anniversary in LA and print was the only kind of gig I hadn't done. Now I can mark that off. Not a bad start for 2006. Hopefully it keeps going.