Drunk Dialing/Texting

I've mentioned this earlier this week. I really wish phones had a function where it will keep you from making outgoing calls or sending texts. Before you smart-asses say, yeah, just turn off the phone. No! I still want to be able to receive incoming texts and calls. Because what if someone calls for a bootycall??? You can't miss out on that! I mean it's never happened to me, but there's always hope...right? sigh...

Now, this application should let you add a timer onto it. So lets say it's 9pm and I start drinking, I'd set it to go off between 1am-5am, which is usually when I make my bad decisions. For example, I decided to accept my current job between those hours...so yeah, bad choices happen between those hours. Now, you may wonder, what if you get a bootycall, how can you respond??? Well this is where they add in an override feature. You have to complete a logic or math problem or something in order to override the lockout. For example, it'll ask "What is the capital of Montana?" I'm sure some of you are probably saying, damn, I don't know the answer to that sober. In which case, you're probably not very smart and shouldn't be having sex anyway, because we don't need you possibly breeding since we have enough stupid people in the world as it is. We don't need anymore Fox News viewers ok!

If your sober enough to do the override, then you should be ok enough to not completely embarrass yourself...hopefully. Orrrr, another option would be to put locks on certain numbers, such as your ex's or people who you have a tendency to call when drunk who you wish you didn't. That's probably the best option. Set your lockout timer and at that time, certain pre-determined numbers become locked so you can't text or call them. Brilliant! I should make an app for Iphone for this...if it doesn't already exist. Then I can become rich and afford escorts so I never have to worry about trying to get late night bootycalls again!

My problem though seems to be angry texts and calls that I make when drunk, usually to my ex. I then have to apologize the next day for telling her I hope a meteor crashes into Long Beach and knocks the city off the map.

Let me go through my daily Sunday morning, post booze routine. I look at my phone at the call log. I then see that someone called me, and unfortunately it's not a missed call, which means that I spoke to someone while I was drunk and don't recall the conversation at all. Unfortunately this past Sunday it was my ex, which is never a good thing to do when drunk. Then I have to call that person to see what I said and apologize for cussing them out and wishing death upon them and everyone they know, blah blah blah, you know, the typical drunken rant. Or is that just me? Then I have to call the people who I called, who always ends up being some random chick that I barely know or haven't talked to since high school and sheepishly apologize for asking to lick her toes and offering to buy her a vampire outfit to wear while she smacks my ass with licorice, blah blah blah, you know, the typical drunken smooth talking...

Here goes a call like that... "Oh hey...um...did I call you last night? Oh I did? Ha, I was sooo drunk, I don't even remember that. What did I say? (awkward pause...) Ohhh...I asked you to sleep with me? Wow. That's embarrassing...um... I know...I know your my cousin and that's wrong... I'm really sorry, I must have thought I was talking to someone else with your name...oh I said I wanted to be kissing cousins...wow...I say crazy shit while drunk...I mean technically we're not blood related though...yes, yes, I know it's still wrong....uh...I think I was ruffied actually so you know, it probably really messed up my thinking process...I was alone all night? Oh yeah...um...but I got my alcohol from my buddies place...and he's a prankster...so he must have slipped it in before I left....yeah...that's probably it...so umm...can you not tell anyone about this??? Please??? Ok...see you at the reunion...oh ok I will stay away from you from now on...that restraining order did go through huh? Interesting... ok...bye."

Then there's the text messages you sent out. For some reason, I always send text messages to the wrong person. In my head I'm sending out a mean text to cuss out an ex or a funny, charming text to try and get a girl to come over, but in reality I'm sending out something that looks like this "Yodoun souck adalid alkneniiigal dick lknadoiond" to an important business contact. It's like my fingers have a mind of it's own and when I get drunk my fingers get Tourette Syndrome. It just randomly cusses out or hits on random people in my phone book in drunk finger jibberish. So then you have to apologize to those people.

On the flip side, have you ever been sober and tried to see if a girl was interested in coming over, but in case it was inappropriate, you try to disguise your text to look like you were a little drunk. That way if they get upset, you can just say you were drunk and meant to send it to someone else? So instead of sending, "Hey, whatcha doing tonight? Maybe you should come over and have a drink with me?" you make it look like "hEyy, watchaa duin 2nite???? Cum ova anndd ddtnks with meee! :)" And then they respond with, "No, stop texting me, I'm your COUSIN sicko!" Or is that just me???

Do you have any drunk dialing stories? Share with me!

I think I'm going to turn this into a comedy bit, so tell me whatcha think.