Penis or No Penis

It was time for my annual haircut. And not to keep talking about Supercuts, but I had a different experience today.

My hair was cut by a transexual today. I don't know what the correct term is, transexual, transvestite, transgender... I don't know if she was post-op or pre-op, because I wasn't able to get my hand far enough up her leg to be certain...

But let me set the scene for you. I walk in looking for either the gay Mexican guy or the fine Asian girl. I was pretty disappointed when I saw a 6'2 220 lb Latin Transexual who looks like a linebacker with DD boobs, and the lady who cut my hair last time and did a horrible job, the one who I talked about in my "Supercuts" blog. Now I'm like, do I take my chances with the transexual or do I settle for another William Hung hairdo?

Well I didn't really have a choice, because the Almost MILF hairdresser was working on someone else and the To Wong Foo lady just finished with her customer.
Now I'm sitting in the chair and, (in order to stop having to say transexual, I'll call her Squishy)... So Squishy wraps the hair bib around my neck and I'm not lying, she nonchalantly rubs her hand on my neck and shoulders. Now don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm a big pimp and that everyone wants me, but I've been to Tijuana enough to know when a transexual is caressing me...

So I'm sitting there, nervous, heart beating fast, trying to look like I'm relaxed and not even noticing that there's something "different" about Squishy. I'm making casual conversation, while adjusting my hair bib to try and cover my erection...just like any other haircut right?

So she puts her hand on my head, and I'm not lying, her hand covered the entire top of my head. Her hands were HUGE! Now I'm feeling a little intimidated by Squishy. I put my hands in my pocket so she doesn't start making comparisons. Squishy starts cutting my hair and basically manhandles my head into any position she wants to get the best angle. I just go along with it, because she's bigger than me and has a razor next to my neck. I felt like I was on an episode of Oz.

Then she starts telling me about some pair of jeans she was buying and how she's a size 36 and the biggest they had were 33. Now, I really don't know how to respond to this. I have no interest in talking about someone buying jeans. All I know is that a size 36 is HUGE isn't it? I'm like, "Oh really? Dang. That sucks." This is one of my stock lines I have for when someone tells me something and I could care less but don't want to seem like I'm ignoring them. Then I start looking for a brochure or some shit on the wall to read and try to pretend to act interested in so I don't have to talk. "oooh, highlights! how interesting... let me read about it."

So she finally finishes and pulls her pants back up... I mean she brushes the hair off my face and puts gel, hopefully gel, in my hair. I pay and leave.

And I must say, penis or no penis, I got a great haircut.

MTV Yo Momma, What Really Happened

Ok, so I just watched my episode of Yo Momma.

Some of it was good, but they edited it to make me look like I lost badly at the end.

So lets start at the beginning, here's the real scoop.

Introductions. I looked gay as hell. I did my intro a few different ways and they wanted me to act like I was hard and I ended up looking retarded and gay. "I'm Robert from Torrance and I'm going to hurt people's feelings." I didn't even know how to say Torrance because I've never been there before. I wanted to say, "My name is Robert and there's no way I'm going to be Next'ed... oh wait, this isn't that show?"

Beginning round, it's me and 4 other guys. They basically have every single guy diss me and they make me stand there with a goofy grin on my face like I can't defend myself. In reality, I hit each person back 5 times as hard whenever they tried to diss me. They tried to team up on me, but I slammed each one, dissing how each person looked. But they didn't show this. They let me do three jokes:

Yo momma so greedy, the only thing she shares is her herpes. (An original joke)

Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. (Not an original joke but it did well)

Yo momma is so ugly, her parents told her she was Muslim so she'd cover her face (One of my original gems that I created).

So they only showed 3 jokes from me. Then Rodney, the other guy in the finals representing "East LA" but actually living in South Central, in his first round he did like 8 jokes so it looked like he dominated.

Round 2

It was me versus another one of the guys from the 5.

This was the round where they made me look good.

They showed some of my best jokes like

Yo Momma so poor, Angelina Jolie adopted her (Original joke from my homeboy Miguel, thanks Miguel for all the help man)
Yo momma so hairy, she almost died at birth from rugburn (not an original joke)
Yo momma so fat she has a black belt in sushi (Original joke)
Yo momma so stupid, Britney Spears tried to have her baby (original)
Yo momma so fat, her jeans are made by Hummer (original)

I also had a little comeback to one of his jokes about taking him mom out.

Oh yeah, then they did a close up of me after winning looking all sweaty with a big pimple on my lip. Where the hell did that pimple come from? I don't remember that!

Now came the gay ass Home Invasion section where we go to each other's homes in order to find things to make fun of. The majority of stuff is planted, remember that.

In his home, the gags are:
He has a kid comforter on his bed (don't know if planted or not)
He had a survival blanket (hilarious huh)
Basketball trophies (hahahahaha)
X large girl panties (planted by MTV)
Porn next to a family album (probably planted)
And a mini bike in the garage (my sides hurt this is so funny...)

So yeah, not much to really make fun of. Oh yeah, I did a joke about how the porno was actually his family's home videos and they didn't use it and then they showed Wilmer doing a similar joke based on a joke I did. Will someone please deport his unfunny ass!

Now they come to my place.

Yo momma has a theme of where the final two people is usually a skinny person and a big person. They put the typical food all over the big people's place giving the other person lots of ammo. The big person has ALWAYS lost because they lose the round where they diss the other person's place, because we don't get any ammo to use.

So this is what they show in my place

A south beach diet book and junk food next to each other (Both were planted)
The Clapper (this was actually mine)
Big boxers (planted)
Pizza boxes (planted)
An old Nautica leather sandal from high school (actually mine)
A buddha that they put my face on (both mine)
Clown wig and nose (planted) I'm a stand up comic not a clown
This tube that goes on my portable air conditioner (this is mine)

So yeah, compare what he has to work with and what I have to work with.


So the finals, Round 1, Freestyle jokes

I kill him! All original jokes too! Plus, they don't show him freezing up 3 times because he ran out of jokes (which he barely had any in the first place). They also don't show the shows writing staff helping him out and giving him jokes to do. Plus he didn't have any good or original jokes, so it really was as lopsided as it looked.

Round 2, jokes based on our homes

He kills me! They edit it to make me look horrible. Granted, I didn't do so well in real life, because I honestly couldn't come up with many jokes about his place. But they made sure to show all the jokes where I stumbled on or didn't get a good response from to make me look worse. They made it very lopsided and didn't show any of my good jokes. This round I lost the crowd. So you guys don't think that I'm crying because I'm perfect and won everything, I'm letting you know he did better in the home jokes and won that round.

Oh yeah, the part I hated the most thought was that they made it look like I choked. We had already done LOTS and LOTS of jokes, and I ran out eventually, but they made it look like I froze after 2 jokes. And they never showed the other guy choking THREE TIMES! They only show like 1/20th of all the jokes we do, so eventually after doing 30 minutes of yo momma jokes back and forth, you run out or pause to think of another joke. I was trying to come up with another joke, but they turned it into me choking. I lasted a lot longer joke wise than the other guy, so that's why I didn't like how they made me look.

So I won round 1 and he won round 2, we're even.
Technically it should come down to round 3, the final knock out joke.

Here's his joke. You so fat I asked you for a push up and you went to an ice cream truck.

Here was my joke. Yo momma's breath so bad, she has streak marks on her lips.

Here's what sucks, that wasn't my real knock out joke. I used that joke in the first or second round. My knockout joke was

Yo momma so easy, they named a sitcom after her called That 70's Ho.

This got a big response, but they put it in the first round and edited in a weaker joke in the final round so that it looks like the other guy won.

So yeah, that's what really happened. Reality tv can do what they want, to make it look how they want. So don't believe everything you see. And just know this, I didn't do as badly as they made me look. Many thought I should have won because I actually had original jokes and jokes in general, but he didn't. He did have good energy though, just not any jokes to back it up.

And that my friends, is the Robert True Hollywood Story of Yo Momma!