Modesto Molested

this post is a lil long, but the funny stuff is towards the second half...

Well, this past weekend I did three shows. 2 shows at Modesto's Fat Cat club and 1 show at CSU Stanislaus. All three shows went great. After the Las Vegas Comedy Festival back in mid October, I had stopped performing for awhile, because it left a bad taste in my mouth (or it could have been the pennies I was licking) and I was questioning how much I enjoyed comedy. I already had these dates booked since early in the summer so I was committed to doing the shows. After not performing for the last few weeks I was nervous about having to do 30 minute shows. Fortunately, the crowd at Modesto rocked and I had some of the best shows I've ever done. It rejuvinated (I don't know if that's how you spell it or if it's even a word, but anyways) my love for comedy. I even got sexually molested at Fat Cat on Friday night, which is always a plus. After my show on Friday night, I had to go to CSU Stanislaus and do a show there. I was worried when I got there because there were only about 40 people in the place, which was a gameroom on campus. The guy in charge told me that it was a program for Alcohol Alternative, which means that it's a night where people can go do something without alcohol involved... not my idea of fun. When doing comedy, it is not ideal to have a sober crowd. I didn't know ahead of time that it was an Alcohol Alternative Program, so I quietly took off my beer can hat and put away the keg I was hauling around on a dolly. Plus he said that the crowd would probably be more on the conservative side. Great, there goes my butt raping material. I was expecting to do 20 minutes or so, but he wanted me to do 40 min to an hour. This would usually be great because I rarely get the chance to do a headliner set, but I wasn't too sure with this crowd. To do that much time I'd have to do about all my material...welcome back butt raping jokes!! I ended up doing a solid 45 minutes and the show actually went really well. They weren't shy to laugh and they laughed at most of what I said and I got away with my "risque" jokes that I wasn't sure they would like, surprisingly CSU Stanislaus digs Tijuana Transvestite Prostitutes. But it was a cool night and I can't imagine how much better it would have been with some alcohol. So after the show all the students pretty much walked out back to their dorms and occasionally one student would look over at me and give me a smile of sympathy since nobody was talking to me. Hmm, maybe they didn't like me too much after all. I was hoping to party at the school afterwards, but this was obviously not the right crowd for that. I considered chasing people with a bottle of tequila to see if they would squeel and run away towards church or something, but why waste tequila. So I went back to the Fat Cat because they turn into a regular club after the comedy show. This is when I got molested.

I had just stepped to the side of the dance floor and this really fat short girl turned around on her drunken chubby ankles and starred at me. Being the polite person I am, I danced side to side to humor her while I looked around for a Snickers bar to throw across the room in order to distract her. Unfortunately, I had already eaten my supply of Snicker bars that I keep on me for emergencies, damn chocolately Snicker goodness. So she starts trying to get me to freak her and grinds on me. My penis actually went up inside of me like it was trying to run away and hide. I had no idea that my penis could do this. Then she turned around and tried to put her arms around me releasing the horrible BO from her armpits and body crevices. I threw up a little bit and kept backing away. For some reason, she was trying to look me in my eyes and act sexy. I started feeling a little sorry for her, because she was delirious. Then she actually told me that I was so shy. She was misinterpretting my revulsion for shyness. Then she made a come hither motion so I thought she wanted to tell me a secret like "I am the daughter of the Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters." Like a sucker, I put my head down so she can talk to me, and she licks my ear. Shocked, I start puking like the Exorcist. Before I can react fast enough, she then grabs my crotch. I was stunned. I've never been sexually assaulted before. So I was like, WHOA, and I went back to my hotel...and I fucked her. OK, so I'm not bragging and I'm not saying it's a high point in my sexual career. I'm just saying I took one for the team. I just need to get a team now.... :( But I did it for the other guys at the club, because I took her out of there so that there wouldn't be any more victims! I'm a hero dammit! (cut to me crying at the bottom of my shower with a bottle of pills tempting me by my side.)

Ok, so I didn't really have sex with her. I just thought it'd be funny to add that twist. But everything else did happen unfortunately. Now that I've been molested at a club, I don't want to hear girls complaining and crying about it when a guy grabs her ass or something. If I can live through it, then so can you. So next time I grab your ass, you better say thank you! ;) hehe