Damn You Murphy!

So Murphy's Law hit me again. For those of you who don't know what Murphy's Law is, please turn off the computer and go get your GED.

So I had a commercial shoot this Saturday for CISCO Systems. And of course, Friday morning I get sick and throw up. Now, when I throw up, it's not a normal reguritating. I retch with all my might and so when I do, all of the capillaries in my forehead and around my eyes bust. So by the time I'm done, I look like a raccoon who has been beaten with a stick. Once again, before a shoot, whatever can go wrong does go wrong. Before my Playstation commercial, I began losing my voice and barely had enough to spout out the monologue. Before my Star Wars commercial, I got a huge pimple on my nose, a place I never get pimples.

So now I'm spending all of Friday with an Ice Mask on my face looking like a gay Zorro. I'm freaking out, because I can imagine showing up to the shoot and them looking at my face and telling me that I can't do the commercial, because they aren't advertising UGLY.

So Saturday morning I arrive on set at 10:30 AM. Fortunately a lot of the redness has gone down, but it's still visible. The costume designer, Christine, was awesome and relieved my fears by telling me that they have a make-up person to do make-up (duh, what else would they do with that title). I let out a big sigh of relief and a little fart, which made Christine giggle and then gag. The make-up artist caked a layer of make-up on my face and made me pretty. Having all that make-up on, I wish I had my gay Zorro ice mask, because I would have been a hit in San Francisco. I shouldn't have worried about my face though, because if Edward James Olmos can do acting with those huge acne potholes in his face, then they should be able to take care of little blemishes.

It was a long, hard day of work on the set. I got into my security costume and sat around for about 30 minutes. Then I spent 2 minutes signing contracts and then sat around for 30 more minutes, reading my FHM magazine, playing Gameboy, doing mathematical formulas and coming up with a cure for Cancer. I was then summoned onto set to do my first scene.

My first scene was very complicated and required true acting training. I stood behind the security desk and as another actress walked by and delivered her line, she looked at me when she said "security" and I nodded at her as she continued to walk by. Now to you people who aren't in the "biz," you probably think that this is an easy task. But you don't realize how many things I have to take into consideration while "acting". I have to develop a character. Am I a happy security guard or am I pissed off? Is it a polite nod, or is it a sexual nod? Do I nod and then continue to look outside or do I nod, lick my lips and then continue to stare at her as she walks away looking at her butt. See, acting is so complicated.

My next scene was a close up of me standing behind the security desk. This time I would spout out a few short lines and they will use one of them in the commerical. Some lines include "more security" "more voice" "more reliability" "more protection" "more inside". So I say these lines over and over using different inflections in my voice. One time I'll be like "more security" saying it like a question, and the next time I'll be saying "more security" as if I'm demanding it. It's great skill to do this and according to the crew, "I was brilliant" and "could use some deoderant".

So after about 30 minutes of shooting we wrap the scene and eat lunch which was Italian from a restuarant that I assume is Italian as well. I could have left after my scene, however, I never turn down a free meal because I'm cheap and poor...and Mexican, and we all know minorities don't turn down free food.

After lunch, I gathered my stuff and said my goodbye's. It was 12:30 pm. A whole 2 hour day of shooting. I love the life of an actor. In those two hours I'll make what I make in 2 weeks at my part-time job at the blood bank or in 20 hours of working as a rodeo clown.

So the commercial will be played live on the Cisco website on September 14th at 8:00 AM Pacific time. People world wide will be able to see me as a security guard. The website is www.cisco.com/go/isr You have to register on the site in order to view the wesbcast, which is free to register. So if you want to look at it, log on around 7:30 so you can register. The commercial is to advertise some big time product that Cisco is releasing. And that was my big day on the Cisco Commercial Shoot.