On Fire...Kind of...Not Really...

So, I know that I said in my last post last week that I would write what happened in the Avalon Competition that I was in. Well, I wanted to wait till I got paid before I said anything. I got paid my $200 prize yesterday, so here it goes.

The Avalon Competition is a big piece of crooked crap. I rocked the finals and it was obvious to everyone that I should have came in first place, second place at the very least. On the "judges" scorecards, I was tied for first place with the other two comics who placed, yet somehow I mysteriously placed in third. On the three scorecards, I came in first place on one, second place on another and third place on the last one. That averages out to second place. How the hell did I come in third you may ask? Cuz the freakin competition is ghetto and poorly ran. The owner of the club and host of the competition went in with the judges when told it was a tie and manipluated them into picking their two favorite comics. After the show, when the host was talking to the three of us, the owner even came up and told the other two that they were his favorite comics and that he knew they would win when he first saw them perform. Then this Indian douche looked at me and told me that he had never seen me perform till tonight.

Now I may sound bitter, but if hoping that a club and the owner become bankrupt and have to sell the ghetto club again to new management or that the club burns down to the ground is bitter, then call me bitter. The owner even looks like a slimeball with his long greesy hair and attitude. I hope he gets stuck in the worse part of Oakland during a riot, then he'll see how tough he really is in the real world. And the host was horrible. He sucks as a wannabe comedian and only hosts because he works for the club. He is not funny, never starts the show on time and does wayyyy too much time in between comics. He thinks he's funny, but he just annoys and pisses off everyone in the audience.

Ok, the problem I had with the competition is that they pick three random people from the audience to judge. They put the fate of $1500 in the hands of three people who know nothing about comedy. They have no idea which comedians are doing hack or original material. They don't understand about comedic timing or creativity. Would it be so hard to get three real judges who actually know something about comedy to judge? Plus, audiences are stupid and lose objectivity. The guy who goes last is the one that they all remember and if he does well, then they forget about those who went second or first.

So who won? Surprise surprise, the guy who went last won. The guy is a great guy, an old guy who audiences like because he's an old guy who talks about being old, smoking weed, etc etc. *sarcasm coming up* It's funny though because he has great delivery and well it's funny to see old people talk about sex and weed I guess. He is my nemesis because he beat me in another competition as well, where he performed last and the audience voted. I wish I could hate him, but he's a nice guy. He should have came in third place in my opinion.

The guy who came in second came out of nowhere. People believed it would be between me, this other guy named Slappy and the guy who came in first. Nobody had this guy ranked in the top three, except for the stupid judges and owner of the club. This guy has a dating show on UPN that is pretty new. His act consists mostly of impersonations. I believe he ended with impersonations of Arnold Schwartznegger, Jack Nicholson, and Keanu Reeves. Real original stuff ;) *wink sarcastic wink* but audiences love impersonations. What can I say, you guys are monkeys and impersonations are like bananas cuz it doesn't require you to think. Now dance monkeys dance.

I feel bad for Slappy, because he should have came in second or third at least, but ended up not even placing. Of course, he won't say anything because he doesn't want to piss anyone off or burn bridges. He even congratulated us on the SFComedy Board. I on the other hand, don't care what bridges I burn in comedy, because there are no bridges in San Francisco, which is why I'm getting tired of having to deal with small time bookers and clubs who think they are big time. If I had any bridges to burn, then I would be getting gigs and not wasting time in retarded competitions. Plus this is my blog and I'll rant and rave about what I want since I know nobody but my homeboy in Iraq reads this because he does nothing else but sit on his ass and hide from his boss so he doesnt have to work. Haha, be safe Kiyo and holla at ya boy!

So I am done with these whack, poorly ran competitions... Well, actually I did enter another one yesterday. I am now in the San Jose Improv Battle of the Bay competition. I did a prelim yesterday and advanced to the quarterfinals. Honestly, I could have cared less about this competition. The only reason I did it was because they cancelled the Wednesday showcases there and I needed to get up and remind the guy who books the club who I am so that he'll continue booking me and remember to call me, since he hasn't called in quite awhile. Fortunately, he caught my set and we talked afterwards and hopefully he'll call. Otherwise I will continue to stalk him and put horse heads in his bed. The prelims and quarterfinals are judged by the dreaded audience. Therefore, whoever has the most friends in the audience wins. Hence me coming in second place with zero friends in the audience and the guy who placed first being the guy who brought half the audience. The guy who came in third brought the other half of the audience. Both of them sucked of course, but what can you do. My homeboy Tyson should have placed, but he doesn't have friends either and went up early so was forgotten by the end. If I dont advance it is no big deal and I refuse to let any friends come to the show for the first two rounds when it's audience votes, because I want to advance through impressing strangers. The semifinals and finals have real judges, so they can come then if they want.

What else is happening? I will be joining the Screen Actors Guild this upcoming week. A nice $1453 dent in my pocket. I did get booked for an industrial film to be shot this Saturday for Cisco Systems, a computer company. An industrial film are those horrible films that you watch when you get hired at a company. All of the ones I've seen have terrible acting, so I'm not too worried about my performance. The industrials I have seen are ones that are about sexual harrassment, etc. Maybe I'll get lucky will be able to grab someone's ass or something. I didn't even audition for the part, I was booked off of my headshot, so that was nice because I wasn't expecting it. Of course my headshot was from when I was 18, so they will have a nice surprise when they see a 50 pound heavier version of me. And I play a security guard. I'm quite experienced in this role having worked 2 summers as a security before while in college. So I guess my life has come full circle from security guard back to security guard (sigh) how sad. Oh well, money is money and work is work.

Whew, i'm tired from this ranting. I need to post more so that I can get it out as it happens and don't have it all bottled up. Oh well, it gives you people something to read if your interested in my life.