Hell Gig

Well I just got back from what comics would refer to as a "Hell Gig". A hell gig is a gig where the cards are stacked against you and you pretty much expect to die on stage a terrible, miserable, lonely death.

So I will outline why this gig could be considered a hell gig.

1. It was a benefit show. This means that I have to do 30 minutes of clean material. When you're a club comic, this isn't so easy because you are used to being able to cuss and talk about sex and other naughty things, you know, really dirty stuff like my underwear. This was a benefit show for the Women's Cancer Initiative. "Women" pretty much means that I can't do sexist jokes either :(

2. It was an afternoon show. The show was not in a night club so you don't get that kind of feel that is needed to get people in a laughing mood. It's hard to do comedy in the middle of the afternoon, especially when your still hung over from the night before ;)

3. There were children there. This means that my already limited arsenol of material just got cut in half because now I can't do any adult humor. Cut to me performing trying to talk to children and be like Bill Cosby doing the "Kids say the funniest things" bit. Unfortunately, this bit failed horribly because the children were shy and didn't want to talk to me. I even made a baby cry, which may have been the highlight for me.

4. It's a cancer benefit. There's nothing better than following a cancer survivor talk about her fight with cancer and how her family deals with cancer. Here she is pouring her soul out and crying and then here I come out, "Hey everyone, who likes to masterbate? Yuka yuka yuka"

5. The audience is eating. I get to compete with people talking amongst their tables and the clanking of silverware. I'm using a podium sound system, so the back half of the room can't even hear me. I hit a punchline and look up to see people in the back posing for pictures with each other. Ouch.

6. Here's the big kicker. This is when I knew it would be a hell gig. Most of the audience speak Spanish as their first language. It's a Spanish benefit! I don't speak Spanish! What a great combination. I get to perform to blank stares from half the room. Originally they wanted Spanish speaking comedians, but they could only find one, and so they had to use me in the end. Therefore, most of the audience can only understand Spanish and limited English. It brought back flashbacks of me trying to talk to the workers at McDonalds in English, lots of blank stares.

So combine all of this and you get the gig I just got back from. Plus, the other comedian showed up after me, and he was suppose to be the opener and go first and warm up the crowd. So I had to perform for 30 minutes to a cold, non-English speaking crowd. Isn't show biz great!

It may have been a hell gig, but I learned alot from it. I learned that latinas look older than they actually are, so always ask their age before trying to pick them up. It's hard to play off talking to a 15 year old. I tried to apologize to her parents and explain to them that I thought she was 16 years old, I wouldn't have talked to a 15 year old, that's just inappropriate. HAHAHAHAHA.

But seriously, the people who did speak English and could hear me and paid attention did enjoy parts of my show, so that's good. The other comedian was a newer comedian and had never performed in Spanish before, so he was really nervous. But he kicked ass and actually got the entire room quiet so they could hear him. I have no idea what he said since I don't speak spanish, but people laughed so I assume he was funny.

The booker was also there and it was the first time I've ever worked for this booker. He was really cool and very supportive and positive. He is the kind of person who sees the glass as half full. This is rare in comedy, so it was great to meet a booker like that. I was expecting a 40 year old bitter white guy and he is this young latin guy, so that was a surprise. He's a good guy and I hope to work for him again, hopefully in front of some English speaking crowds.

So I did 25 minutes and the organizers kind of walked onto stage and told me that I could get off now because nobody was listening. So I walked off with my head down and grabbed a taco and left. (tears coming down) I thought I totally sucked (damn, i sound like a 15 year old white girl now, "totally sucked"), but people came up and said they really enjoyed my set. So that cheered me up. So Hell Gigs are horrible to go through but they are the best for learning from, building stage presence and a thick skin. If you can get through a hell gig successfully then the regular gigs aren't as hard. It's like having sex with an ugly fat chick. If you can get through it, then you'll be a lot better when you have sex with a pretty chick. HAHAHAHAAH