The Life of an UnFamous, Struggling Comedian and Actor

Robert the Grown Up!

2010-07-08T17:37:00.000-07:00

Heyyyyy Bloggeritos!

It's been awhile. But my blogs have been getting some attention lately, and we all know how much of a whore I am for attention...so I'm back bitches!

Well it's official. Robert is growing up into a grown up. Soon I'm going to have to do grown up things like be responsible. I'll have to go do things such as buy life insurance, wear ties, carry a briefcase, use condoms...gahhh...being a grown up sucks!

I even started drinking coffee this week. I had my first cup of coffee at work Sunday night. I've never liked the taste of coffee but being the forgetful doofus that I am, I forgot my cocaine at home sitting next to the dead hooker on my bed...I mean the "allegedly" dead hooker on my allegedly "bed" (whew totally covered myself there) and needed something to keep me awake at work. So I had my first cup of coffee. I know, many people can't believe that I'm 22 years old (hehe) and haven't had a single cup of coffee. But it's true. I've never had the need to drink it before. I might be addicted to it now. I've had 3 whole cups this week! Hopefully I don't get addicted to coffee like all those years in elementary school when I was addicted to crack. It was so embarrassing being a 10 yr old chubby crackhead! I'm going to buy me a coffee maker tomorrow and learn how to make coffee. I feel like such a grown up now!

As a grown up, I also did my first jury duty service. I tried to get excused when I first got there for financial distress but was quickly rejected by the chick at the courthouse. She rejected me so quickly that by reflex I wondered if she thought I was asking for sex. She was a fat black chick too, so I had planned on flirting with her and showing a little ballsack but didn't even get a chance to unzip before being rejected. So I got put into the jury pool for a criminal trial for some gangbanger who was selling guns. He was guilty but I decided if they forced me to be on the jury I was going to say Not Guilty in hopes of sleeping with his hot latina lawyer. I've seen Boston Legal...I know how this works...

In the jury room they have computers you can use to go online. I tried to go to a porn site in hopes of getting kicked out, but they have the porn sites blocked. Cockblockers! The trial that I could have been placed on was going to last 5 days. That's 5 days of missed work making $15/day. There's no way I could do that and still pay my rent. It's so ridiculous that they expect people to be able to take a financial hit like that. My job doesn't pay jury duty, so I would be shit out of luck. When it came time for me to tell about myself I talked about how I was arrested last year and not treated well by the cops, thinking this would for sure get me excused. It didn't! The judge was like well those were Long Beach cops, I'm sure you have no problem with these cops since they are LA cops. I wanted to yell LA cops are worse! And a cop is still a cop no matter what city they're in. Putting a different badge on an asshole doesn't change the asshole.

Luckily the defendant took a plea bargain and they let us go home on the 2nd day. I made $15 from jury duty because they don't pay you for your first day of service. I spent $13 on breakfast and lunch that I had to buy there. So I made $2. On top of that, they were on my days off last week! Boooo justice system!

What else is happening...

My social life has been really good lately. I've been going out a lot. And if you don't believe me, please refer to my account balance of $1.66 that I have right now...I'm going to have to start saving up for my Vegas trip in August. Strippers aren't going to tip themselves, am I right ladies? fellas? yeah? yeah?

I went to a bikini bar recently in Hollywood called Golddiggers. The first hint of how ghetto-ly awesome this place was, is when we walked in the bouncer didn't even say anything to us or check our IDs. Then I walked in and it was like I was transported into a dingy Tijuana strip club circa 1995. It was awesome! The girls were drugged out hoodrats. They didn't strip, just wore bikini's. One by one they'd straggle up on stage, put their CD into the stereo (yes no DJ and they used CDs) and then walk over to the stripper pole and half ass a dance which was basically rubbing their ass up and down the pole. I absolutely loved it! I LOVE ghetto dive bar places where you never know if you're going to leave with a stab wound or hepatitis. I didn't spend very much time there, but plan to go back with Kiyo and will return with a full report.

I also went to this club in Silver Lake where they were having some kind of Tribe Called Quest theme night to celebrate their music or something. I don't really understand the point of that since they weren't ACTUALLY THERE! And I doubt they were busy that night, so they could have at least made an appearance! I walked into the dance room and it was like a sauna in there. I've never been to a club that was SOOOO HOT! I was wearing an undershirt and a scarf and instantly had to go to the restroom and strip down to 1 t-shirt. I was soaked with sweat because it was so hot in there. For $15 cover, the bastards could have turned on some A/C dammit! Everybody was soaked with sweat. It was 90% black people too. So the place smelled like a combination of funk and melted cocoa butter.

BTW, I've been having trouble sleeping. So thank you to everyone who has been posting statuses on the World Cup. They were boring enough to put me right to sleep! :) Let me give you my opinion on socc...snoooore....snooorrre....sorry I fell asleep just thinking about it...where was I...

Oh yeah, so Robert's a grown up now...and yes, I will now refer to myself in first person...oh wait, I messed it up...I mean Robert messed it up...wait... I've...Robert's confused himself...nevermind...

I'll blog more and maybe next time, I may just make it funny...cuz I don't think this blog came off very funny at all. Ohh well, you get what you pay for people! :) teeheehee

My Next Step?

2010-04-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged. I really haven't had much to blog about.

Still working out everyday after work. Eating healthy for the most part. Slowly losing weight, shedding inches and gaining a lot of muscle. LOTS of muscle. I'm actually stronger now that I've ever been. I can even do 1.5 pull ups now! Which is pretty good considering how much weight I have to pull up!

Acting-wise, things have been great as far as auditions. I've been going on tons of auditions and really good auditions for lead roles in movies and recurring characters on major tv shows and networks. Unfortunately, I haven't booked anything yet. I went on 7 auditions in the last 8 days and if I don't book anything, then I'm too the point where I need to re-evaluate things.

Don't get me wrong, I know it can take years and hundreds of auditions before booking something and so far I've booked a decent amount of things, however, I haven't booked anything really big. Big enough that I can live solely as an actor. And there are two major reasons for that.

Reason 1 is that the number of auditions I have is limited while I'm still overweight. This I'm working on and it'll be dealt with by the end of the year.

Reason 2 is that I don't speak Spanish or have an accent.

Unfortunately, LA creativity is limited and the majority of the Latino roles out there are stereotypical roles where they want you to have an accent. Unless you are the main star such as Hugo on Lost or America Ferrera on Ugly Betty, they make you stereotypical Mexican with an accent. Think about it. Even on Ugly Betty, the majority of her family are all stereotypical Latinos. Casting directors and writers haven't evolved to the 3rd, 4th, 5th generation, American born Latinos where we are just like every other American in how we act, dress and talk, and many of us don't speak Spanish or have an accent.

So I feel like I've hit a wall in acting. I can continue to get little bit parts and commercials, however, to get a big supporting role, I have to be able to pull off a good accent. And the only way to work my way up to a lead role is to build up big supporting role credits.

At my audition today for a recurring role on HBO's Eastbound and Down, I auditioned to be the neighbor. A Latino with 3 kids, wife, living with a lot of extended family, you know, all the stereotypes. Unfortunately, I don't think my audition went well because when I have to do an accent, I think my acting ability goes down 30% because I'm concentrating on making a good accent as opposed to being natural in the audition and concentrating on being in the moment in the scene.

What can I do?

When I hit a road block, I try to be pro-active and come up with solutions. There are always more than one path to get to the end.

Here's 1 idea.

Get a great paying day job and give up acting, and focus on stand up comedy and use stand up as a way to break into acting as a lead role so that I'm accepted as I am and don't have to worry about getting an accent. This is really hard to do though, because how many latino stand up comedians do you see in the movies and on tv? George Lopez and Carlos Mencia. And it took them decades before they made it.

Second idea.

Move back to the Bay Area. Live with Kiyo. Get in shape since he would train me. Work during the day and make a lot more money and save up my money. Do stand up comedy at night just to keep at it and make extra money. Save up for a year. After a year move to Spain or South America and live there for a year teaching English and learning Spanish and an accent. Move back to LA and start back at acting with my new Spanish and accent that I can use for auditions, and with my new in shape body.

If I don't get anything by the end of the year, then I really think I will put plan 2 into action. Plus I think it'd be just a great experience to have while I'm still relatively young and single. I have no family or girlfriend in LA, so there's not much attachment to keep me here besides acting and a few friends, most of whom I never see anymore now that I work weekends.

Right now I'm brainstorming. I may even just get a regular job now and not do any acting, so I can save up and move to Spain or South America sooner. Plus I'm really not happy with my work hours.

On another note, I'm dating again. I know, I was gonna wait a year. But I couldn't help myself. So I'm back on the market. But that's another story for another day.

So online family. What do you think of my potential moves? Ideas? Words of wisdom? Suggestions? I'm open to anything at this point. I'm pretty frustrated and feel like I need to do something to give myself more of an advantage in these auditions. I know I have the talent, I'm just missing the accent, which is holding me back from booking so many more roles.

Next week if I don't hear back on any auditions I'm going to meet with my agent and tell her the plan. So it's time for me to really think about what my next step is going to be.

Special Thanksgiving RobVlog

2009-11-26T14:17:00.000-08:00

I did a special thanksgiving blog since I'm alone and bored. Check out my feast! Try not to be jealous lol.

My trip to Mexico City to film a movie

2009-11-23T12:27:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone,

Just to warn you, this is going to be a long ass blog about my trip.
It's more for me to have as a "journal" of my experience and for those
of you interested in how things went and what happened and to get a
first hand account of what it was like in Mexico and not just what is
reported in the news.

I'm back from Mexico! To start off, it was an incredible trip and I
met incredible people who I will hopefully continue to know for a long
time. What made this trip even better was that it was to film a movie
and completely paid for and I even made money as a result. My goal has
been to do 1 international trip per year plus many other trips around
the United States. As many of you know, this year has been the worst
I've ever had and even though I was able to do trips to Tahoe, Austin,
Dallas, Vegas and New Orleans, I had to cancel the trip me and Kiyo
were hoping to do to the Caribbean in December after I went to jail and
had to file for bankruptcy because of legal fees and then losing my job
last month. So my mindset was just get through the end of the year and
enjoy my 3 weeks in Texas and come back in 2010 and basically start
over and try to rebuild my life.

Last Monday while I was sitting at my bankruptcy hearing, I checked my
email on my phone and saw an email with the subject "Hello from
Mexico." Fortunately I didn't delete it as was my first instinct,
thinking it was spam. I read it and it was from a director in Mexico,
Gerardo Naranjo, telling me that he was shooting a short film in Mexico
City and he was searching for actors online and came across my comedy
video and wants to fly me down to film. To be honest, it was so random
that I thought it may be a scam of some kind. But who knows, it could
be legit, so I told him I was interested and to contact my agent to
work out the business details. A couple of hours later, my agent calls
and tells me they called her and emailed her and so she's negotiating
to get this amount for me, plus her commission on top, plus air fair, a
4 star hotel, and per diem. So I'm like ok, in the email he said it
wasn't a commercial, so they didn't have a large budget, so most likely
they aren't going to afford all that, so don't get my hopes up.

The next day she calls and says it's a done deal and I'll be flying to
Mexico that Thursday. Everything happened so quickly that I could
barely believe it was happening. Especially with how bad things have
been, I'm no longer use to anything good happening. I had already
accepted the idea that I wasn't going to book anything in 2009, which
would have been the first year in the last 7 years that I didn't book a
commercial, tv show or film. And now all of a sudden I'm being flown to
Mexico to film a movie for a role that I didn't even audition for!
Hopefully my luck is turning around!

I'm given 3 options for flights. Gerardo tells me that I can fly back
after the shoot on Friday or stay and fly back on Saturday. Obviously
I pick to fly back on Saturday so that I can go out Friday night. I
was under the impression that one or two other actors are being flown
in as well, so hopefully we can all go out Friday night.

I arrive to Mexico City on Thursday and stumble my way around through
customs. Outside of customs Julio is waiting for me with my name on a
sign which makes me feel like a big shot lol. Julio works for the
production team and drives me to my hotel. Mauricio Katz is there to
meet me. Him and Gerardo are the writers and producers of the film.
He checks me into my hotel which is pretty nice and gives me my $1000
pesos per diem, which is like $77 US Dollar. I check in and settle
in. The area seems nice which makes me feel better, because going down
there all I could think about was the news I always read about how
dangerous Mexico is and how the cartels run the streets and kidnappings
are very common. But they picked a hotel located in Colonia Roma,
which I was assured was a very safe area. The area reminded me of
North Hollywood. Very artistic feeling. There were huge fountains in
the park in front of my hotel. Two university campuses were also
across the street. So it was nice.

I think hotels get an extra star if they put towel animals on your bed.
I think this is 2 swans having sex or 2 snakes about to fight.

Since phone calls were expensive, me and Mauricio and Gerardo
communicated through email for everything. I sat in my room watching
the Simpson in Spanish and resting up until Mauricio and Gerardo showed
up and took me to dinner for some delicious tacos and to discuss the
script and the characters. They had written a rough script, but wanted
me to come up with ideas for how to make it a little more humorous and
to say things as I would say them, using American slang. So I spent
all night rewriting the script and punching it up with ideas that could
be funny.

Ok, so let me explain what this project is. They have gotten 10 of the
top directors in Mexico to each do a 9-10 minute short that talks about
their idea of Mexican Revolution. And from my impression, it'll be
political and against the current government and how the government
isn't as great as they claim to be. In Mexico, a lot of the films,
plays, etc are political and against the government. Then, all the
shorts will be combined into one feature film that will be released in
Mexico, as well as into film festivals such as Berlin and American film
festivals. So I'll basically be in a Mexican feature film and he said
they would try to bring me out to any American festivals. Though I was
like, um, screw the American festivals, bring me to BERLIN!!!

Me and director Gerardo Naranjo. Doesn't he look like a director!

The short film I'm in is about a Mexican woman, played by the beautiful
Adriana Paz (more on her later), trying to make it into the United
States. Her van breaks down and she starts walking, when a jeep full
of minutemen drive up and attack her. Other Mexicans who were hiding
come out and attack the minuteman, killing 2 of them. They start
pulling one of the minuteman behind the jeep but scatter when a Border
Patrol truck pulls up. The border patrol agent sees Adriana, but lets
her go, even though he tells dispatch that he didn't see anyone. Then
it cuts to me in the border patrol office watching the film of this
happening. I call the officer in, who is also a friend of mine and
basically for 6 minutes I have a monologue where I chew him out, etc.
So basically all the talking in the short is done by me. The other
actor is a Mexican actor who didn't speak English, so they had to teach
him to say his two lines to me during my speech. It was a little hard
at times, because I would be like ok, say your line AFTER I say this
word. But then he'd say it too early or too late, etc. I'm sure it'll
be fixed in editing.

My new friend, the beautiful and hilarious actress, Adriana Paz.

So, I was the only actor that was flown in which is a lot of pressure,
because the whole short rides on my acting and my improv and being
funny.

We shot it on Friday and they really liked my work and told me that
they are working on another feature film for next year and they have a
role that they'd like me for. Oh yeah, and Gerardo's last two films he
directed were Executive Produced by Mexican superstar actor Gael Garcia
Bernal (Motorcycle Diaries, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Amores Perros). He's so
huge there, when I was watching tv, every 20 minutes during a
commercial break they would wish Gael a happy birthday and then show
clips from his movies. So Gerardo is a well respected director/film
maker and his last two films have won awards at festivals. He's a good
person to get in with.

And what's great about Mexican filmmakers is that they are very loyal
to actors they like. They will use them in films and help make them
famous. The style of filmmaking in Mexico is also very different.
It's very laid back. In the United States, time is money! Everything
has to be on schedule and if they run behind schedule people flip out,
because it costs more money. In Mexico it's different. Thursday night
he was like ok, we'll pick you up at 10am...no 9am to be safe. So on
Friday, 9am comes, then 10am comes and I get an email that they are
running late and will pick me up at 11am. I finally get picked up and
chill on set for a few hours in costume. Finally around 3pm they are
ready to film. But then pizza arrives for lunch, so they take a break
to eat. Finally it's ready to film, we shoot the scene all in one
take, so each take is 10 minutes and I have to do my whole 6 min speech
in one take. I do a couple of takes, then they take a smoke break.
And so on. I finally end up doing 6 takes and we finish around
6:30pm. I also really liked his style of directing. He basically
tells you, ok, he wants you to get to point A to B to C to D. However
you decide to get there is up to you. So as an actor, you are free to
improv and try different things. After a take, he'll go over what he
liked and anything he didn't think would work for the film and ideas
for things to try. So it was very freeing as an actor which I think
allows for a better performance. I think it also allowed me to be
funnier. Going into it, I thought it was going to be a very serious
and dramatic role. But by the end, it was serious mixed with natural
humor, which is why they decided to find a comedian.

Border Patrol Officer Gonzalez. On set.

So during the shoot, there wasn't anyone to really talk to, because I
was the only American and nobody was very fluent in English. Then
towards the end, I started talking to Adriana and found out she spoke
pretty decent English. I was asking her what she was up to afterwards
and she said she was going to a play. I thought she meant she was
going to be in the play, so I was like cool, I wanna come see it. Then
I found out she was actually going to SEE a play with some friends and
I ended up inviting myself along...hehe... Adriana is one of the
coolest chicks I've ever met. She's a working actress in Mexico and
has been in 8-9 feature films. She's nominated for the Mexican version
of an Oscar for her last film that she did, so she's an actual legit
actress. And she's pretty hot.

We get to this play which is like a one man show. He does characters
and sings songs and interacts with the audience. I, of course, have no
idea what he's saying, but it's still fun to watch. Her group of
friends is all guys, unfortunately, including her boyfriend and her
brother. Her brother is a photographer is extremely cool. Luckily
they all speak English pretty well, so I'm able to talk to them and get
to know them.

Me, Adriana and her awesome brother.

After the play, Adriana invites me to go with her and
her boyfriend to a house party that is also a wrap party for her last
film. So I'm like sure! Despite not knowing anyone or being able to
speak Spanish, I was determined to go out and meet people and have fun
and adventure. The party is cool. Lots of 80s music that they love.
I get introduced to another actor guy, I can't remember his name, so
I'll call him Juan. He's a funny guy and tells me he's gonna email me
his contacts that he has for casting people who work in LA. We talk
about where the finest girls in Mexico are, etc. Which is strange at
first, because I'm almost positive he was gay. But who knows. At this
point, I'm starving. I hadn't eaten since 9am that morning. I've been
drinking tons of Mexican beer all night at the party. There's this
beer called Indio that's the best beer I've ever had. They also give
me a shot of something called Mezcal. I'm like is it tequila? And
they say no, it's stronger. They really can't explain to me what it
is, but someone compares it to gasolina. I drink it and am pretty
buzzed from not eating and all the beer and then this Mezcal.

The party was cool. I did my best at my international game. I talked
to many girls who didn't speak English and did my best, but the
majority of them had guys with them there and the last group of girls I
tried talking to were lesbians, which I didn't find out til
afterwards. Everyone was really nice and cool. I explained to Adriana
and Juan the concept of being my wingwoman and wingman, so they did
their best to help out. I was talking to one girl who didn't speak
English but had kept looking over at me and smiling. She had a guy
with her, but I was like screw it, lets see what happens. I start
talking to her but we don't understand each other, so I take her over
to Juan and like a good wingman, he translates for us.

3am after the party. Adrana's boyfriend, Adriana, "Juan" and me.

At 3am it's time to go. Adriana tells me that Juan lives in the area
where my hotel is, so he would take me back. I say by to Adriana, and
hope that it's not the last time I see her. She is so awesome. Very
fun to be around and funny. Even though she wasn't fluent in English,
she still got my humor and was able to joke around with me and talk to
me about acting, etc. She hopes to get a Visa soon so that she can
come to LA and do acting.

I get into Juan's car. Now Juan has been drinking with me a the party
beer for beer. He also gets into the car with a beer that he's
drinking. The car keeps dinging because the driver side door doesn't
close all the way and his headlights don't work. Plus in Mexico,
driving there is crazy. I don't even know why they have lanes, because
people drive however they want. So it was a scary drive back, but he
fortunately had no trouble driving and got me back to the hotel safely
and didn't try to rape me. lol

Saturday I walked around the neighborhood and took pics. I checked out
at noon and Gerardo and his beautiful girlfriend Ana, who was also the
costume designer for the film, came by and got me and brought me back
to his house to hang out til the taxi came and got me for the airport.
His house is incredible. I could definitely live in Mexico if I was
living in a place like that. Plus his maid was HOT! I was like damn.

One funny thing I noticed was that lots of hot girls there were dating
ugly ass dudes. So if your an ugly dude, you should go to Mexico. I
guess that's why nobody got with me...I'm just too damn good looking!
lol

I barely made it back home. Even though I got there 2 hours early, I
was sitting at the gate they told me. Flight leaves at 4:55 and I am
engrossed in my The Lost Symbol book by Dan Brown cuz it's at the end
where everything happens. I look at the time and it's 4:35pm and I'm
like hmm...they should have boarded by now. I look around and everyone
is gone so I start walking to the other gates and see a sign for Alaska
airlines, but the other info has already been removed. I go up and ask
if they are going to Los Angeles and they are like yes, hurry. They
check my luggage by hand before I board the plane, which is new to
me. Even though they xray, they still hand check your stuff right
before you get onto the plane. I'm the very last person to get on the
plane, so if I was 5 minutes later, I would have missed my flight.
Another thing I found out is that they don't make you take your shoes
off when going through the metal detector. How did I find out? I got
in line and took my shoes off and felt stupid when I looked around and
saw that I was the only person with my shoes off...

That was my trip. Everything went smoothly. I made some good money
and had a great time and got my international trip after all. I hope
that I am put into his next film so that I go back. I've posted pics
if you'd like to see them. I should get more pics soon of me on set.
I don't know the name of what the film will be called, because they
still have to put all the shorts together, but once I do, I will let
you guys know. I should get a copy of the short though towards the end
of the year. And hopefully Adriana will make it to LA someday so I can
see her again...and hopefully she doesn't come with her boyfriend! :)

Hopefully this is just the start of great things and my bad luck has finally ran it's course.

The food was awesome!

RobVlog #3 - My new allergy

2009-08-30T04:14:00.000-07:00

Drunk Dialing/Texting

2009-08-21T05:56:00.001-07:00

I've mentioned this earlier this week. I really wish phones had a function where it will keep you from making outgoing calls or sending texts. Before you smart-asses say, yeah, just turn off the phone. No! I still want to be able to receive incoming texts and calls. Because what if someone calls for a bootycall??? You can't miss out on that! I mean it's never happened to me, but there's always hope...right? sigh...

Now, this application should let you add a timer onto it. So lets say it's 9pm and I start drinking, I'd set it to go off between 1am-5am, which is usually when I make my bad decisions. For example, I decided to accept my current job between those hours...so yeah, bad choices happen between those hours. Now, you may wonder, what if you get a bootycall, how can you respond??? Well this is where they add in an override feature. You have to complete a logic or math problem or something in order to override the lockout. For example, it'll ask "What is the capital of Montana?" I'm sure some of you are probably saying, damn, I don't know the answer to that sober. In which case, you're probably not very smart and shouldn't be having sex anyway, because we don't need you possibly breeding since we have enough stupid people in the world as it is. We don't need anymore Fox News viewers ok!

If your sober enough to do the override, then you should be ok enough to not completely embarrass yourself...hopefully. Orrrr, another option would be to put locks on certain numbers, such as your ex's or people who you have a tendency to call when drunk who you wish you didn't. That's probably the best option. Set your lockout timer and at that time, certain pre-determined numbers become locked so you can't text or call them. Brilliant! I should make an app for Iphone for this...if it doesn't already exist. Then I can become rich and afford escorts so I never have to worry about trying to get late night bootycalls again!

My problem though seems to be angry texts and calls that I make when drunk, usually to my ex. I then have to apologize the next day for telling her I hope a meteor crashes into Long Beach and knocks the city off the map.

Let me go through my daily Sunday morning, post booze routine. I look at my phone at the call log. I then see that someone called me, and unfortunately it's not a missed call, which means that I spoke to someone while I was drunk and don't recall the conversation at all. Unfortunately this past Sunday it was my ex, which is never a good thing to do when drunk. Then I have to call that person to see what I said and apologize for cussing them out and wishing death upon them and everyone they know, blah blah blah, you know, the typical drunken rant. Or is that just me? Then I have to call the people who I called, who always ends up being some random chick that I barely know or haven't talked to since high school and sheepishly apologize for asking to lick her toes and offering to buy her a vampire outfit to wear while she smacks my ass with licorice, blah blah blah, you know, the typical drunken smooth talking...

Here goes a call like that... "Oh hey...um...did I call you last night? Oh I did? Ha, I was sooo drunk, I don't even remember that. What did I say? (awkward pause...) Ohhh...I asked you to sleep with me? Wow. That's embarrassing...um... I know...I know your my cousin and that's wrong... I'm really sorry, I must have thought I was talking to someone else with your name...oh I said I wanted to be kissing cousins...wow...I say crazy shit while drunk...I mean technically we're not blood related though...yes, yes, I know it's still wrong....uh...I think I was ruffied actually so you know, it probably really messed up my thinking process...I was alone all night? Oh yeah...um...but I got my alcohol from my buddies place...and he's a prankster...so he must have slipped it in before I left....yeah...that's probably it...so umm...can you not tell anyone about this??? Please??? Ok...see you at the reunion...oh ok I will stay away from you from now on...that restraining order did go through huh? Interesting... ok...bye."

Then there's the text messages you sent out. For some reason, I always send text messages to the wrong person. In my head I'm sending out a mean text to cuss out an ex or a funny, charming text to try and get a girl to come over, but in reality I'm sending out something that looks like this "Yodoun souck adalid alkneniiigal dick lknadoiond" to an important business contact. It's like my fingers have a mind of it's own and when I get drunk my fingers get Tourette Syndrome. It just randomly cusses out or hits on random people in my phone book in drunk finger jibberish. So then you have to apologize to those people.

On the flip side, have you ever been sober and tried to see if a girl was interested in coming over, but in case it was inappropriate, you try to disguise your text to look like you were a little drunk. That way if they get upset, you can just say you were drunk and meant to send it to someone else? So instead of sending, "Hey, whatcha doing tonight? Maybe you should come over and have a drink with me?" you make it look like "hEyy, watchaa duin 2nite???? Cum ova anndd ddtnks with meee! :)" And then they respond with, "No, stop texting me, I'm your COUSIN sicko!" Or is that just me???

Do you have any drunk dialing stories? Share with me!

I think I'm going to turn this into a comedy bit, so tell me whatcha think.

Relationships: What do girls want? Why are you bitches so crazy! lol

2009-08-13T01:11:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!

I’ve been wanting to write this blog for awhile. Bear with me, it’ll probably be a long one. But it’s hopefully a topic that most of you are interested in and have an opinion you’d like to share. It’s about relationships, but from my point of view. Why is it so hard for me to find a good woman who doesn’t have too much baggage that gets in the way from having a healthy relationship with me? Why is it hard for someone to take a chance on me?

I’m tired of hearing about girls always going for “The bad boy.” I’ve let the “bad boy” come out in me. It’s not all it's cracked up to be. Trust me. I’ve just spent 9K in CASH in lawyer fees, and have nerve damage in my hand as a result of being the bad ass. Being bad is not worth it. Though he deserved an ass whooping, if I could go back, I wished I at least tried to talk it out first before resorting to kicking his ass (in self defense). If you’re always going for the bad boy, then you usually are going to end up being fucked over and bitter, which will be future baggage for when you finally decide to smarten up and get with a “good guy” like myself.

I've been hurt badly by an ex or 2, but I don't take out the hurt others have caused me on the next girl. I'm tired of girls punishing me for something an ex did to them. This is part of carrying baggage. Your baggage keeps you from appreciating what you got now, which is a step up from you last relationship. Learn from your mistakes and move on to better. Don't sabotage your relationship expecting the worse to happen because of what your ex did. Release the hate in your heart and fill it with the love of someone new.

I'm 28, and yes I prefer younger women because they are more likely to not have children and less baggage. But don’t get me wrong, I'm open to dating a single mother. My last relationship was with one. However, there are hardships that come with dating a single mom. Having to now deal with a 3rd person in the relationship. Babysitters, school, and baby daddy issues. The biggest fear I always had is that my ex would go back to her baby daddy because she wasn't over him or thought it'd be best to work it out with him for the child's sake. I was talking to my mom about it the other day. She told me that she was proud of me because it takes a big man to date someone with a child and treat that child as my own like I did. Her parents divorced when she was a teen and both of them remarried when she was young, so she knows firsthand how great it is for a mom to find a man who loves her and her children. This made me feel better about myself. Even though it's still something I'm not sure I'd do in the future. She'd have to be very special. I'd have to be confident that her relationship with the dad was over for good and she was open to committing to someone else.

I have a pet peeve about women who think a little too highly of themselves. Just because you have your life together, a great job, great house, car, education etc, humble yourself. You aren't the only fish in the sea. Stop thinking your better than everyone else. You might be beautiful, but this is LA, there’s always better looking. Open yourself up to meeting guys who don't right away fit into your typical "type". After all, if your type worked so well for you, then why are you still single?

I’ve humbled myself. I used to think I was the shit! Especially when I was in great shape. I admit it. Especially when I was younger. I had a Stanford degree, a job plus making money doing acting, I was a hilarious comedian, I was generally cute/good looking and charming. But I was too cocky and arrogant. I had to learn to humble myself. After spending a year of lonely nights, I realized that I needed to open myself up more. As much as I wanted my soul mate to be a Jessica Alba, I had to stop living in fantasy land.

I open myself to meeting girls of all ethnicities, backgrounds, etc. They may not have been my ideal mate on paper, but I still made a connection with them that could last a lifetime. Even if the relationship didn't work out, my life is a collage of experiences and relationships that makes me the man I am today. I lived with a girlfriend for 3 years. Though we realized we weren't meant to get married and broke up, I don't regret being with her and the times I spent with her. She made me a better person and hopefully I made her a better person. The experience from being together has allowed me to grow and take the lessons I've learned into future relationships so that I could become a better boyfriend.

I realize I'm not the picture perfect boyfriend look-wise. I'm not a model, I’m not a Ryan Reynolds. Right now, I'm a big guy who is cute, though I’m working out to get my super sexy on again ;). I've had girls write me off from the start based off of looks. I’m not the typical LA tall, dark and handsome guy that come a dime a dozen here. Attraction is important, but many shut off any possibilities from the start because they want a guy who looks like Channing Tatum. So they pass on guys like me and end up in a bad relationship with an abusive person who treats them like shit because the guy knows that with their looks they can get many girls and so they don't appreciate what they have. Obviously this isn’t always the case. There are great looking good guys out there, and if you have one, congrats. For the rest, you passed on someone who may not be a model, but has a huge personality and can make you laugh when your down and celebrate you when you’re up. I've made mistakes as a boyfriend, but I've learned to appreciate the person I'm with and be there for her through the ups and downs. Why is it so hard to find someone to reciprocate?

I've lived in superficial LA for 4 years. I've had 1 real relationship that ended badly because of her bad choices and baggage. I know there are great girls out there. I've met many who I would have loved to have had a future with, but they are usually already taken, or they live in another state which makes it difficult for them to take that chance on me.

Girls always complain that it's so hard to find a good man. But usually they are surrounded by good men and don't even realize it. Their instinct is to make a good man one of their friends. Perhaps it's so that you have that good man in your corner and don't risk losing him through a relationship. It's safer to keep him as a friend. You don't want to give him a chance at being romantically involved because as a good man, he's "safe". You want the guy who is hard to get, and has more edge. A bad boy. Because he's a challenge. And you think you can change him and make him settle down. Then you get screwed over and assume all men are like this. And then there’s that good guy friend of yours consoling you, and who would love nothing more than to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. But you are greedy. You know he's there for you, so you use him for the emotional support and attention that you never got from the assholes. One day you will open your eyes and finally see what you could of had all along. But by then, it may be too late. He won't wait around forever. And there's eventually going to be a wiser woman that comes along and sees what a great guy you had under your nose all along and grabs him. Then you'll be asking "why are all the good men taken or gay?” lol The real question is why did you take him for granted and only realize what you had once it was gone?

A woman usually wants to be best friends with their boyfriend. So if you two get along so well, why not be open to taking it to the next level. Guys usually only become friends with girls who they are attracted to from the start. Obviously there are exceptions, especially when it comes to work friends. But if you took a look at all my female friends, it's usually many who I was attracted to and for some reason or other, ended up just being friends with. Usually they wanted to keep me as a friend then take a risk at romance. But there's always hope that someday, we decide to try it on the physical level, if nothing more, just to see what it's like.

I'm a romantic. I'm not ashamed of that. When I have a gf, I treat her like a queen. I think of romantic ways to surprise her, whether it's something big like a trip or something little like leaving her a note to tell her how much I love her. Ask any of my ex's and they'll tell you. There's a reason why I'm friends with most of my ex's. It didn't work out romantically, but we still have that bond as friends. But don't get it twisted, I may be a romantic, but I'm still the man in the relationship. You will respect me. Not because I demand it, but because I earn it. I will protect my woman, I will fight for my woman. And as proven, if attacked I'll even beat someone's ass and go to jail for my woman. So being a good guy or a romantic guy doesn't mean he's also weak, a pushover, whipped, or a bitch. I like to think of myself as a well rounded boyfriend.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who can appreciate what I have to offer? I hear women talk about how hard it is for them to find a guy, yet I've asked them out for a drink before. Are you surprised that you haven't found a guy at one of the numerous clubs you hit up each week in Hollywood? Really? I heard someone claim chivalry is dead. Chivalry isn’t dead. You’re just looking in the wrong places and at the wrong people.

I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care how much money you make. I don't care what race you are. I don't care if you have a child. I don't know who my soul mate is, so that's why I leave myself open to finding her. My last ex was a single mom who was on unemployment and used to do hard drugs. I still saw beyond that for the person she really was and not the baggage she had around her. I fell in love and loved her more than anyone I've ever been with. It didn't work out. She had too much baggage for herself to deal with and I suffered as a result. She knew how great I was and appreciated how much I helped her out, whether it was helping pay an electric bill so her and her child had lights at home, or getting her a window AC when it was 100 degrees in their apartment, or taking her child to school after having just gotten off from working a 10 hour graveyard shift or spending the week at the hospital with her and sleeping in a chair next to her bed during the day and working at night. I gave her everything I had to give because I loved her and wanted to help make her a better person. But she wasn't able to get past her emotional baggage and damage from past relationships in order to reciprocate and ended up pushing me away because she wasn't mentally capable of being in a healthy relationship with me. Will she ever be able to be the woman I deserve by my side. Who knows? But I can't put my life on hold waiting. I may miss out on the true love of my life right?

As my friend Mallory said, "Girls are CRAZY." I feel that way too. What do you girls want? What are you looking for? I'm not a player… I just crush a lot. haha. But seriously, I've never been a player. I grew up in a stable, loving home with my parents who have been married 30 years and still hold hands when they walk together or when in the car together. They still take vacations together and eat together with my little brother as a family. That's what I grew up seeing so those are the values that I learned.

I will admit that I'm scared of marriage. Scared to death! What if she turns out to not be the one I'm meant to be with for life? What if I become unattracted to her? Marriage has always meant the end of adventure to me. I've lived so many adventures in life and I have so many adventures waiting for me in the future. Getting married means settling down. Especially if there's a child involved. But I'll hold off on my marriage thoughts for a future blog that I'll do with a friend of mine who is married.

So share with me your thoughts on this? What's your opinion? What's your advice? My cousin told me to never get with someone who doesn't already have what I have, ie job, money, goals, etc. I think this does make for a better relationship. I spent so much time, money, effort and energy trying to bring my last gf up in life through her misfortune, that I burnt myself out and wasn't able to enjoy just being a couple with her. I was always worrying about her getting enough money for rent and bills and getting her health better. It'd be nice to find a single girl who can match me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, intellectually, and financially. And hey, after the 9K I just spent in legal fees, it’s not too hard to match me financially anymore. J Someone who will be there with me as we travel the world. Someone who will work out and eat healthy with me so that I can get back into shape like I've been trying to do. Someone who is adventurous and will try new exotic foods with me. Someone who makes me feel on top of the world when I walk next to her at the Farmers Market holding hands and sneaking kisses. Wow, I'm so gay. haha...

Sorry if this blog rambled too much. I may have gotten off point. Hopefully it’s not too much of a personal ad or relationship bio of me. I’m just curious what others think based off your experiences. Have any experiences to share? Comment. What do you think I’m missing? Comment. What do you think about dating or relationships or romance? Comment.

Robert's Vlog #2: Meet Mr. Silver (plus weight loss update)

2009-08-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

Here's vlog #2 with special guest Mr. Silver and weight loss update. As usual comments/suggestions/ideas welcome. Also, if you're on youtube, subscribe at http://www.youtube.com/stanfordcomic.

Persian Food, Persian People and Tanning

2009-08-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

Hey peoples!

So I figured I'd include a written blog in between the video blogs. Man, now I know why everyone's Facebook and Myspace pictures are taken from a high angle. It cuts down on double chin action! So next vlog, I'm going to put the camera up on the roof of the building pointing down at me. :) In the past, I'd worry about how I looked, however, this time it's different. I want to show me, flaws and all, because when I lose the weight and everything, I can look back and get a true sense of my progress. Did anyone notice the big ass pimple on the side of my head. Good god! I forgot it was there until I watched the video. I was like, "Robert, stop looking to your right! It shows everytime you look over dammit!" It's one of those damn zits that take weeks to get rid of. Fortunately it's almost gone.

Yes, I realize that I'm extremely white in my Muscle and Fitness magazine picture. Or at least the main pic. I'm a little darker in the smaller pic, which is weird. Maybe I'm like one of those cars that have those paint jobs that turns different shades depending on the angle you look at it. From one angle, I'm a light skinned Spanish looking guy and from another angle I'm a migrant worker. I am naturally light skinned though because I'm half white. Growing up in Texas I was always playing football and baseball outside, which made me a lot darker. Now that I'm in California, I'm not outside much because I workout indoors and for acting reasons. Lets be honest, light skinned Hispanic actors get more work than dark skinned actors. It's also more "acceptable" for a light skinned actor to not have an accent, which I don't have. If I'm super dark, then I'll be going out for the laborer roles who they want to have an accent in order to appear more "authentic." It's part of the business and though I don't like it, I have to play along for now until I break in. So I try not to get too dark in order to be open for more roles. PLUS, by being lighter, I am able to be go out for other races such as Polynesian, Italian, etc. So that's why I've always tried to stay away from sun. Hating nature may also contribute to this haha. But after seeing those pictures, I think I may need to suntan a little in order to get some color on me, and at least even out the tan lines.

That picture in the magazine is actually an AFTER picture. Yes, I used to weigh 800 lbs, so it's quite an accomplishment hahahaa. Ok, maybe that's not true. I did start working out again. I've worked out everyday since last Monday, so going on 10 days straight. Being the nerd I am, I created this really elaborate spreadsheet for me to fill out each day that goes over everything I did that day and tracks my weight and measurements. This includes everything from: did I follow my diet that day, exercise, what kind of exercise, how long, did I submit for acting gigs, did I take my vitamins, floss, etc. So far it's motivated me to keep on track and doesn't allow me to forget to do something. You know, it's a struggle to remember to shower EVERY day, geez! :)

Hulu put up season one of 21 Jump Street. I'm so excited. I loved that show growing up. I really wish they'd bring the show back and put me in it. I would kick ass as the new Holly Robinson! haha I used to have a huge crush on her. That chick Johnny Depp is pretty cute too...wait what? That's a dude? Wow...that's awkward... I'm kind of ashamed for touching myself the way I did now...

Well this weekend I'll do another RVLOG! (Robert Vlog) What did you guys think of the last one? If you haven't seen it, check it out on my last blog on here or go to youtube.com/stanfordcomic and watch it and feel free to subscribe. Obviously, I'm just doing 1 take and whatever happens happens. I think that comes across more authentic and unrehearsed so you get an idea of how I really am.

I appreciate all the love you guys gave Mona...though come on, lets focus on ME a little more next time ok? haha jk. And of course her ego is huge now because of all the compliments. She thinks she's a star now. She's pretty cute I know. No, she's not my future roomie. She's still in college. She's only 21, which is crazy since I first hit on her 2 years ago when she was 19. hehe I know, I usually get try to get them right at 18, but I was a year late with her... She's been working out like crazy lately and looks incredible now, though she was always hot. So she's inspired me. Now I have to step my game up to keep up with her.

When I picked her up, I was like I'm hungry, take me to eat a type of food I've never had before! haha, yes I expect all my friends to know the history of every type of food I've ever had. So Mona is like, ooh, there's this great Mexican place... I'm like Mona, really?? Mexican??? COME ON!!!! Don't you think I've had Mexican before! haha Then she's like how about Persian? Since she's Persian, I thought she was hitting on me and immediately took my clothes off, which is an impressive feat to do while driving a mustang...but she meant Persian food. I'd never had Persian, so we went to this authentic Persian restaurant. It was soooo good! Except for this weird drink she ordered for me. It was a yogurt type drink called "Doogh" but was very sour with a hint of mint, and it was salty. Drinking it felt like a horse just blew a load into my mouth. It was pretty gross so I had to send it back and get a diet coke instead. But the rest of the meal was great. One appetizer was this crunchy rice with stew on top, I don't remember what it was called but it was awesome. They also had a belly dancer there and she had dollar bills sticking out of her skirt, so I had strip club flashbacks. I asked how much for a private dance but apparently the restaurant didn't have a VIP room...pssh LAME! Anyways, I can now mark Persian off the list. I really want to try Afghani food next.

Whoever I'm hanging out with on the weekend will be who makes a guest appearance in my RVLOG. If I appear alone, then you'll probably see an alcohol bottle as a guest star... But if you guys want to suggest any topics for me to touch on or suggestions for me to do something on a RVLOG just let me know, I'm always open to suggestions, comments, complaints, etc. And if you want to appear on a RVLOG with me, then let me know. It may require hanging out with me, just to warn you...sorry. And Saturday is usually my pants-less day... as well as Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday...

This weekend I think I'm going to sit out on my balcony and get some sun. I'll probably do this naked since nobody can see me in my balcony...and if they can...well Merry Early Christmas!!!!

This is "Doogh"

My New Vlogging!

2009-08-03T01:58:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

So I know I haven't blogged in awhile. I mostly have been blogging on Facebook lately. However, I've decided to start doing a video blog... or "vlog", once a week.

So I'll upload the video onto youtube and then post the video into a blog on here. You can just watch it on here or you can subscribe to it on YouTube, whatever floats your boat!

I'm new to this, so please bear with me through the bumps while I figure it out. If you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to share. Or if you have any requests or want me to talk about something, please let me know!

Robert

I'm so Hollywood

2009-07-20T05:29:00.000-07:00

Hola Chicos and Chicas! Wow, my Spanish IPOD courses are really paying off!

My roommate search has gained a little momentum. I had a 30-something Asian chick come check out my place on Saturday morning. So I spent all of Friday cleaning and trying to "gay" up my place to make it look like less of a bachelor pad. Basically I just ended up cleaning the place and making it spotless.

I was too tired to do the suggested things like candles, flowers, potpourri, men dressed in leather and bondage, etc. Since she is originally from Japan, I thought about maybe having a selection of sushi and sake sitting out. Or perhaps asking her to take her shoes off. I tried to have my Wii visible, though maybe I should have bought Dance Dance Revolution to seal the deal. Dammit! Afterthoughts. She seemed to like the place and said she got a good vibe off of me. She then bowed to me and I sumo wrestled her in response... hehe...ok I think I got out most stereotypes.

So after that, my roommate and I then had to play the waiting game. She told us that she was going to look at more places on Sunday and would get back to me then. It was like an audition. She told us we did a great job and put us on hold, so we sit around waiting to get that call to tell us we booked the gig! Well we didn't get any phone call. I emailed her and she emailed me back last night and told me that she still had a couple more places to see today and would let me know. The waiting game continues...

However, I did line up some other prospects. A couple of other guys are coming by tonight to check out the place. Hopefully someone decides to say yes soon, so I can stop stressing about moving and have someone lined up. I think the Japanese girl would be cool as a roommate, because I would love to go back to Japan to visit, so I'd have someone who I could go with. And in exchange, I can take her to Tijuana or something...ok maybe not quite an equal trade...

This is how I know I'm getting old. I spend all Friday cleaning. Was supposed to go do Karaoke Friday night. Fell asleep at 8pm and was out for the night. Then on Saturday I had a friend wanting to come hang out at 2am after she got off work at a strip club. I was like damn, how am I going to stay up til 2am! 10pm hits and I'm like ok, I'll take a nap and wake up at 1am. I sleep through my alarm and she calls me at 2 to see if she can come over. I'm like ehh...I'm sleeping, lets reschedule for next week. It's 2am! I'm not 27 anymore geez! Ahhh...I'm old... :(

On Friday, I met with a bankruptcy lawyer because I'm going to file for bankruptcy (duh!). I met the lawyer and was like oh my god, she is so beautiful! She's this Persian chick, extremely beautiful. I love Persian girls, I think they are hot! Too bad I have no shot since she's rich and she knows that I'm poor. It's never good to have someone look at your paycheck and say "Oh yeah, you could make 3 times what you make now and still file for bankruptcy with no problem." I'm like yeah...I'm poor...boobies...what? Bankruptcy will be pretty nice, it'll give me a fresh start. All of my credit card debt will be erased. So the $500 I put towards credit cards each month will now be able to go into my pocket and the g-strings of strippers. hehehe

I won't be filing til mid-september, so I'm enjoying my credit while I have it. The lawyer costs $1200 for everything, which isn't bad considering I'm getting 33K in debt erased. I just have to come up with $1200 in cash. I was like so...will you take credit card as payment???? :)

I have two lawyers now. TWO LAWYERS in 1 month! I'm soooo Hollywood now! haha It's crazy how one mistake has caused so much trouble. But I'm hoping this bankruptcy will help me recover and get things back on track. With the money I'm saving on credit cards, I can rebuild my savings, travel, afford to buy healthy groceries to lose weight. No more stress about money. My scooter will be paid off, so will my bail and other legal fees from earlier. I just can't buy a house for awhile. But this is LA, so I didn't have any plans to do that anyway. If I make a ton of money, I'll just buy the house cash right? haha

Great comments btw! You guys each wrote comments almost as long as my blog! lol

Comment Responses:

Bobby: I agree with getting back to the basics. Losing my credit cards will be a good thing, because it'll teach me to live more within my means. I've been living my life as a rich balla...even though I'm not. haha

Gladys: I'm NOT GUILTY...so I'm not a criminal. So you can visit! :) She told me all the info on bankruptcy and I absorbed most of the info...but it was hard to not be distracted by her hottness and my erection....

Olia: I'm going to stick in LA for three years, then I'll come to Texas so I can date your step-daughter. It's now my goal for you to be my mother-in-law. lol

Tony: I wish I had any extra money to make a real estate investment, especially now when things are cheap. My parents are visiting me in October and I will hopefully come down as soon as the charges get dropped. Haha, I have been charging. I spent $444 at costco, including a $95 bottle of Patron. And I'm taking my car in this week and telling them to fix everything!

Tamara: haha, thanks Team Mom! When are you coming to visit me? And you better actually see me this time!

And the final decision is....

2009-07-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks everyone for your advice/opinion/feedback/STD's.

I talked to my mom for a long time yesterday and came to the conclusion that it's best for me to stay in LA and stick it out. I was like what! You don't want me to come home! :( Now I know what the refugees in Africa feel like! haha. I even have the matching potbelly right now.

Naw, it wasn't that I wasn't welcomed to come home. The main factor is my job. With the job market how it is, there's no guarantee that if I moved to Texas I would find a job right away and be able to start paying down my debt and most likely I wouldn't find a job that pays what I make now. Plus, in a year, when it's time to move back, who knows how hard it'll be to find another job. So it's best to stick around and keep the job I have now. I will however, most likely file for bankruptcy to help clear my debt. Who needs to buy a house in the next 7 years anyway right? I am meeting with a bankruptcy lawyer on Friday to see what my options are.

Sooo...the search for a roommate continues. I've revamped my listing in hopes of attracting someone. I now appear as a sexually obsessed Playboy model/stripper. Granted the guys may be disappointed when they show up to see the place and instead of Cashmere, I show pop out in a thong and nipple clamps, but hey, I can shake my moneymaker and win them over. :)

Otherwise, I'll just put in my 30 days notice at the end of the month and look for either a sublet or my own apartment. I've never actually had my own apartment before, I've either lived with a roommate or girlfriend, so it'll be interesting. I'll be looking forward to being able to walk around naked and not receive glares from my roommate and his friends/family. Maybe I can get a place with a pool, so I can finally get rid of these damn tan lines I have around my junk. Ahhh, nothing worse than pale junk, am I right ladies? Huh? Huh? Hello?

Another reason to stay is I don't want to risk moving home and procrastinating on coming back like many of you said. I also don't want to be the guy living at home still. haha writing my name on the orange juice... "Hey! Who drank my OJ! Dammit! Are we out of cereal mom?" It'll also make it awkward to bring the numerous ladies that I usually pull (stop laughing!) home for some mind blowing...video game playing?...I mean sex! Yeah mind blowing sex!

Comment Responses:

Tishara: Yes! I'm back to blogging! Your life is complete again! :)

Aron: Whoa whoa whoa... Army basic training???? Are you serious? You were in the army? Did you stay in the army or did you "tell" and get kicked out? lol And I agree, I can't have people thinking I failed in LA. We are so LA now, it's all about appearances haha.

Tony: Hookers are cheap??? Hmm...do they take credit cards? I have to use it now so that I can get it wiped off later with bankruptcy haha.

Gladys: Good advice Gladys. I agree with you and will stay. But you have to come visit me in LA. Deal?

Kathleen: I wish I could follow your path and move to Europe for a long time. You'r e my idol! No seriously, I envy you! Please adopt me and take me with you :)

Tamara: Nice sentence at the end. You should write fortune cookies ;) But yes, I agree with you about the job market. You sound like my mom! haha You both are wise in your old age lol jk ;)

Should I stay or should I go?

2009-07-15T03:16:00.000-07:00

Hey hey,

So I gathered up the motivation to make it to the gym yesterday. I went to my favorite bootcamp class...well formerly favorite. Usually we warm up with some laps in the basketball court and other cardio exercises. Breaks a sweat, but nothing I can't handle.

Yesterday was different. I hadn't been to a bootcamp class in over a month or so, and things definitely changed. The teacher was like ok, so you guys know what to do, head outside and run up the bridge across the freeway and back three times. I started to laugh thinking he was kidding. Then people started running out and I was like whaaaa??? The class was packed with hot girls, so I found the one with the nicest ass and started running behind her. I tried to use her ass as a carrot to keep me moving.

Oh My God! The run up the bridge was a bitch! I was dying. What made things worse was that the biggest guy in the class high fived me, like we were on the same level. Noooo, how did this happen? I used to be in better shape. I was haven't been the out of shape guy in class in a long ass time! And that's when it happened. The worst possible thing that could happen... He passed me running. Noooo! I was in last place. I hate last place. I used to be a running back dammit! And to make things worse, my knee started hurting so I had to start walking :(

Then back in class, we had to do 50 push ups, because 5 assholes showed up late. Finally I had to walk out after 30 minutes because I was still so worn out from that run. It was a long ass run too, at least 10 miles...or maybe 1 mile...but the details aren't important... I left class for the first time ever, because I was about to throw up from being so tired. I haven't worked out at this weight in years and it's really hard. I'm not used to being this big and out of shape. So now I'm motivated to work out again and get back into shape. For the first time in my life, my knee started hurting. I've never had knee problems before, but I can only assume it's because of the extra weight I'm carrying around. Well junk food, we had a good run, but now I must give you up...(tear)

Now onto more serious matters. Life decisions to make.

My roommate Chris is moving out and the roommate search isn't going too well. Not many people are responding to my ads and those who do, don't follow up to come see my place. So at the end of the month, I'll have a difficult choice to make.

I'll have to put in my own 30 day notice which sucks because I really love my place. It's nice, huge and perfect for having people over. Plus I hate moving because I got so much crap.

So I'll have to decide to move back to Texas Sept 1st and move home. Or try and find my own place to live in LA, which will be hard since I lost all my savings in legal fees, so I don't have anything saved up for a security deposit. It sucks because I'll have to end up paying basically what I pay now for a smaller, crappier place.

I'm torn as to what to do. If I move to Texas, it would be for a year. I can save on rent by living at home. I can pay down my debt so that I don't have to declare bankruptcy. I can learn film editing and photoshop as skills to bring back to LA in order to make money off of. I can also get back into stand up comedy. And hopefully, when I move back, I can bring my best friend Kiyo with me.

The con is obviously leaving LA, putting my dream on hold. Possibly missing out on future acting projects. Having to pay for a move to Texas. And quitting my job which, though it sucks, still pays enough for my bills and with the economy how it is, who knows what kind of job I'll be stuck with when I move back.

If I stay in LA, I'll have to probably put most of my stuff into storage and sublet a room until I can save enough for my own apartment. I'm not a fan of living by myself because it's nice to have a friend around and splitting the bills is nice. Plus right now, I can easily see myself becoming a hermit cuz things suck so badly. However, I'll still have my job and will still be doing acting, so something big can always happen which will get me out of debt and enough money to afford my own place.

So I don't know what to do. I HATE! Absolutely HATE! moving, so it sucks either way. I planned on being at my place for a long time, so I have everything set up at my place how I want it.

What do you guys think I should do? Should I stay or should I go? If I find a roommate last minute, then I'll definitely stay. This is all based on if I don't find a new roommate. AND the move to Texas IS NOT permanent. I'd leave all my stuff here because I'd move back in a year. I refuse to be one of those people who move home and never come back and give up on their dreams.

Not a funny blog, more of a feedback blog. Give me your input/advice.

Comment Responses:

Ed: Hey, if you tell me the plan, I'll become your poster boy for weight loss. Screw the tv show, I need to drop the weight.

Rykien: What's your blog? And yeah, you have to be careful of strippers. I'm sure I've paid many of their rents :(

Tony: Haha, yeah I'll be sure not to use that line in West Hollywood.

Tamara: Well I can be a bad boy or take care of them, not both, cuz I found out it's expensive to be a bad boy. :(

Gladys: You crashed into a tree? I'm going to call you George of the Jungle. lol Watch out for that treeeeee!

Aron: haha yeah, use it at the post office, but probably not the airport, they'll arrest you.

I'm Gangsta!

2009-07-14T03:30:00.000-07:00

Hey peoples,

Wow, looks like I kept my word about doing these blogs again. If only I could keep my word about wearing condoms...sigh...

Wouldn't it be funny if I stopped this blog after that last line? No? ok...

Sorry about tagging people on the Facebook note last time. I only do it for attention and to get readers and because I'm a blog whore. And so umm...yeah, sorry again for tagging you all on this one too. hehehe I'm so rotten!!! I like when my mom says I'm rotten. It's like the mom version of calling me an asshole.

I brought my gym clothes to work today, so it looks like I'll be getting back into the gym. Or more likely I'll be going back home with some clean gym clothes...sigh...I've lost my working out motivation.

I've turned into quite the butterball over the last month. With the stress of everything happening, plus plumping up to hopefully be on the weight loss show, I've become quite rotund... I think I used that word correctly. I'm very juicy...at least according to the new sweatpants I'm wearing that says "Juicy" on the butt...hehe... But yeah, if I don't get on the workout show then I'm screwed! I'll have to lose weight the old fashioned way... yep...lots of meth.

Here's something interesting I've found out. Telling ladies that you have a case against you and were in jail...kind of a turn on to them. I guess it's part of the bad boy thing. So yes, I've been using that line quite a lot lately. Even when it doesn't fit into the conversation. They'll be like "Ooh, I want to see Bruno." And I say, "Yeah, when I was in jail we watched a lot of movies all day." Or "I want to go to Europe." and I'll say, "Yeah, hopefully these charges get dropped so I can travel again..." or "I love the new season of Entourage." and I'll say, "Yeah, I'm glad I didn't get raped in jail..." yeah, I didn't say it always made sense...haha

It also works with guys. I can look like a tough guy without having to actually fight. For example, "Man, I'd kick that guy's ass if I wasn't out on bail..." haha, it's like having instant street cred. I just hate when they ask how long I was in jail. I'm like uh...12...They say "years? months? days?" umm...no...12 hours...but man, it felt like a WHOLE DAY! I was about to go crrraaaaazy! haha

As you may or may not know, I've gotten deep into debt as a result of legal and stripper fees. My whole mentality has changed. Before I was careful about spending money because I was working on getting out of debt. Now I'm like what's an extra $300 going to hurt when I'm 30K in debt? There's no way for me to get out of debt on my own, I have to book some big gigs or win the lottery or get a rich sugar mama. So if you know any rich ladies...send them my way! I may not rock their world, but I'll gently nudge it some! :)

Well that's all I have for today. I can tell I'm still rusty. Things aren't flowing as easy, just like when I try to pee when I wake up with morning wood. Writers block! I need something interesting to happen to talk about! Not much interesting happens when you sit at home all weekend getting high...errr...on life... :) Someone take me out so I can have something to write about!

Comment Responses:

Ed: First off, thank you for listening to the directions and commenting on blogspot! And I'll make you cry from laughter in the future at some point.

Rykien: Also thanks for commenting on blogspot. And yes, damn those past lives of ours fucking it up for us today!

Gladys: We should do another co-blog!

Rene: If you didn't pee when you sneezed so much, then maybe we could have been homies in high school. But the wetting problem was kind of a turn off... ;)

Holly: Deal!

Albert: hahaha, so if I'm Samantha then who would you be?

Olia: 1- We all know I've always been shameless. It's the only way to make it in LA. 2. hahaha well congrats on jeans half full, mine are 1 1/2 full lately :( 3. Your awesome too!

Amir: Thanks man...I really have nothing funny to respond with to that :( Thanks for killing my comedy... haha jk

Tamara: Oooh, my blog may be more interesting if I take it to Texas, then it'll be a whole concept about working to get back to LA...hmmm...interesting...

Tony: I'm bloggin!

Why Hello Again

2009-07-10T06:03:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

It's been quite some time since I blogged on this site. I used to blog on here way back when I was starting to make it as a comedian. I then switched over to blogging strictly on my myspace site. If you never read my blogs there, I highly recommend you check them out at myspace.com/stanfordcomic. At one point I was doing a daily blog and not to brag...ok, well to brag a little, but many of them are quite funny.

Unfortunately, for now I'm not comfortable blogging on Myspace anymore. I may or ahem...may not... work for that site... And the management there decided to take an interest in what I was writing as opposed to...I dunno...doing their job and trying to prevent Facebook and Twitter from taking over and kicking Myspace's ass leading to hundreds of people being layed off?? Just a thought...

So I will start posting back on blogspot or blogger.com, I'm not quite sure what it is right now. I'll also post it in my Facebook for a little bit to get people interested in reading them. Please forgive me for starting off slow, I'm a little rusty...it's been awhile... oh wait, that's the speech I give before having sex with a chick... I'm so used to giving it that it just comes out at random times...kind of like my penis... :)

Here's the rules of the blog:

1. I encourage comments on my blog. Comments motivate me to write because it shows me that people are reading. If you comment on blogspot, even if you don't sign up for an account and do it under anonymous, please still sign your name in your comment. In the next blog, I will respond to your comment, so that's why I need to have a name to respond to. See, how that works?

2. You must read my blog naked. I don't know why...it just is more fun that way... plus I write my blogs naked, so it makes me feel more connected to you guys. Though it does get awkward when I'm writing my blog at the library, starbucks, or the old people's home... not awkward for me, but whoever's lap I'm sitting on.

3. Feel free to say anything you want, but don't diss each other in your comments. You can diss me, because I can handle it and I can dish it, but leave others alone.

Well now that we got the ground rules out of the way, lets ease our way into this bitch.

The past few months have been pretty hard on me. Actually the worst time of my life. I've gotten into some legal trouble which I will talk about after the said legal trouble has been dismissed. I've lost the girl I was in love with. I've lost my savings as a result of legal trouble. I've gone deep into debt. I'm losing my roommate who is also one of my best friends and as a result, may lose my kick ass place in Studio City if I can't find a new roommate soon. I've gained a bunch of weight as a result of all the stress I've been dealing with. I just found out one of my good friends Cain Lopez, who was a hilarious comedian, passed away from cancer. I was almost layed off from work. My car is falling apart. And my acting has seriously stalled. I keep making it to the final callback and then not booking it, which is more frustrating than not getting a callback at all.

So yeah, life really sucks right now. I'm even considering moving home to Texas for a year in order to help get out of debt and get back into stand up comedy. The next month will determine what I do. Most of it depends on if I get a roommate or not and if I get on this weight loss show or not.

Maybe I ran over a litter of puppies in my past life or something, because my luck right now is horrible. Everytime I think I've hit a new low, I get knocked down with something else. I've realized that I'm irritated by "glass half-full" people or people who always say "well it could be worse" or "be thankful for what you have." Here's the problem with that. When I say it could be worse, it THEN GETS WORSE! Or if I'm thankful for something, I THEN LOSE THAT SOMETHING! So stop telling me that you Dr. Phil wannabes! haha

Ok, well now that I got all that off my chest, I promise I'll keep future blogs light hearted, funny, and heavy on my wanting to have sex with girls, just like in the good ol' days when I blogged on Myspace.

I'm really hoping that if I move to Texas, right before I move, I book something big and "make it" as an actor. Then I can be one of those cliche actors who go on talk shows and am like yeah, I was about to leave LA and go home, but then I booked "Lost" and am now rich, famous, and getting laid like craaaaazy!

I can't wait to sleep this weekend. I've been having to get up in the middle of the afternoon everyday this week. I had an audition for a CBS sports commercial, then the next day I had the callback to go to and then the next day I finally got my scooter back. And trust me, the CBS commercial is nothing to be excited about. It's nonunion and doesn't pay much. It'll barely pay for a happy ending at a massage parlor...I mean so I heard...hehe...

Well I think this will be a good ending place for now. I'm going to start writing numerous blogs throughout the week, Mon-Friday, so be sure to check back often and read the newest blog if you're interested. I got all the depressing stuff in my life out of the way, so it'll be better from now on...hopefully...

OH YEAH! I learned something important yesterday. Never start sneezing while your peeing midstream! It makes quite the mess! :)

Till next week!

New blog address

2007-12-05T05:50:00.000-08:00

Hello,

I will be continuing a daily blog Monday-Friday on my myspace account. You don't have to have a myspace account to read it.

Check it out at www.blog.myspace.com/stanfordcomic

My myspace page is www.myspace.com/stanfordcomic

Enjoy!

Yay, my ER episode aired and I didn't get cut out!

2006-10-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

My ER episode aired this past Thursday. My 25 second scene was awesome! The camera showed me the entire time. Brilliant performance I must say! haha.

Hopefully I'll get a copy of it on DVD and then I'll have to figure out how to get it onto the internet. Since I know about a 1000 Asian friends, I'm hoping one of them will know how I can do this.

I also shot a Target commercial recently. It'll start airing in January. I play a Pizza maker.

Honestly, the shoot wasn't fun at all. My call time was 11am and I sat there til 5pm before doing anything. It was sooo boring. I had to sit there and play with myself to entertain me, which made me very unpopular with the other actors and their parents, which I kind of understand since there were children around. But hey, they didn't offer to share their coloring books with me, so what was I supposed to do!

Well thanks for all the love I got from people who watched, people who didn't watch, people who said they "tried" to watch, and people who said they watched but really didn't. I love all you guys.

And to the person who commented on the last post and said what's it take to get on Grey's Anatomy, a show people actually watch. Thanks for the comment. Even though you're a retarded hater, because ER is a hit show again this year. Read your Entertainment Weekly, duhh!!! haha

Filming ER!

2006-08-31T19:25:00.000-07:00

Well today was the big day! That's right, it was Taco Bell night! Woohoo! I love my Nacho Bell Grande.

It was also the day of my ER shoot! For those who don't know, I booked a small co-star role on an episode of ER. It's going to be the 5th episode this season called "Ames v. Kovak". I play the part of a patient with a leg injury who is being taught how to use crutches by Dr. Abby Lockhart, who is played by the beautiful Maura Tierney. For those who don't know Maura Tierney, she was the main character on that show News Radio and the love interest in Welcome to Mooseport.

So I show up for my 12:30pm calltime at Warner Brothers Studios in Burbank. This kicks ass because people are going around on tours of the studio and I'm there to be on freakin ER! And of course, my retarded body couldn't let me be in top shape for the shoot. I got a cold this week and so I'm stuffed up and congested, but I'll be damned if I miss this shoot. So I drug myself up (more than usual) and pretend that my voice is just a little lower and sexier than usual I'm a little nervous because it's my first tv show shoot and I haven't watched ER since it started, so I was hoping I didn't make myself look stupid. I could see myself roll up and be like where's George Clooney and Anthony Edwards??? Not around? What about the black guy from Coming to America? No???? You want me to leave with security? Ok...

I show up and they take me to my trailer. Hell yes! My trailer is tight. I have a couch, my own bathroom, tv, dvd player, radio, vcr, microwave and fridge. This trailer is much better than the one I had when I did the Sprint and Eastwood commercials. So I make myself comfortable in the trailer by blowing up the toilet with my preshoot poop.

Then I put on my wardrobe and head off to make-up and hair. I had already got my hair did before I left, so they didn't touch my weave or dreadlocks I have started sporting. They did put make-up on me and made me look beautiful. I felt like a $100 hooker afterwards! It was awesome.

Then I went onto the ER stage. I was by myself, so I was really timid and scared because it was my first TV show and the first time I've ever been on a TV show set with the exception of the stand up comedy shows I've done. So I walk in and I'm instantly on the ER set, in the hospital that you see on tv. I stay in the corner because I don't know where to hang out at and I don't want to risk walking into a shot by mistake. Finally, I ask one of the PA's to take me somewhere safe and I hide my face in her boobs to punctuate my fright. She takes me to a part of the set that is the doctor's locker room on the show and I chill in there til it's time for my scene.

So it's time for my scene. I walk out onto set and the director Richard Thorpe (who is awesome. He's directed numerous ER episodes) introduces himself to me and then the rest of the main cast who is in my scene introduce themselves to me, including: Maura Tierney, Parminder Nagra who plays Dr. Neely, Shane West who plays Dr. Ray Barnett and was Tom Sawyer in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, freakin Mekhi Phifer from 8 mile and Honey and a grip of other movies, and last but not least, John Fuckin Stamos from Full House!

I was like oh my god, Mekhi Phifer and John Stamos just introduced themselves to me. Mekhi was all buff and Stamos still looked good but was skinnier than I expected. You can tell that he is the new George Clooney on the show. I'm a huge fan of John Stamos, so meeting him was icing on the cake....mmm...cake... sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, it was tight because I was the guest co-star in the scene, so though I wasn't a regular, I still got treated like one.

And Parminder is FINE AS HELL! I am in love with her now. She is beautiful. She's Indian and has an English accent. I was hoping to start up an onset romance with her, but stupid John Stamos and Mekhi kept talking to her. I was like damn Uncle Jesse, back up, let me get a chance. Anyway, she's very sweet and her accent is sooo sexy and she did smile at me a few times and I drooled back at her.

Maura was really cool too. She is the one I did my dialogue with. She didn't really chat with me when not filming though, but that's ok, someday I'll be up there with them and then they'll all want to be my friends and I'll be like...ok, thanks for being my friend. Wanna have a sleepover? No? Too soon?...

So after being there 2 hours it was lunch time. This is how sad I am. Before the shoot, instead of being excited about being on ER, I was excited to see what kind of catering a big budget show like ER has. I couldn't wait for the free gourmet meal! Then my hopes and dreams were dashed. They didn't cater. You had to go find your own food. So I sulked away and went and ate at the Warner Brothers Cafeteria. The food was good, but I had to pay for it. I didn't feel so bad though, because John Stamos, Parminder and Maura also ate there. I badly wanted to sit with them. I felt like such a loser, like one of those high school movies where I'm the new kid and I see the cool table and wish I could sit with them. So I chickened out and ate by myself like the loser that I am.

So after lunch, we finished up some pickup shots of my scene and I was wrapped at 4pm. So I did 2 1/2 hours of work and will make more money that I do working 40 hours per week for 4 weeks. I love acting!

Oh yeah, so after I introduce myself to everyone, we read over the lines and then rehearse the scene. Then they call for second team. So all the extras go to their places and this guy comes over and sits where I usually sit for the scene. I'm kind of like whoa, thinking this guy is trying to steal my scene. It's like prison and he was trying to take my food. Then he introduces himself to me and tells me that he's my stand-in! What! I have my own stand-in! PIMP! The other main actors had stand ins too, people who stand in your spot so they can do lighting and practice camera movements and the main actors don't have to be there. That was so tight that I had a stand-in, though I feel sorry for the other guy because he was a stand in for me, a nobody. I'm sure he's not braggin about that at the end of the day.

So all in all, it was an awesome experience. I felt like a lost little kid that didn't know what to do most of the time, but when it was time to act, I did my thing and the director even told me later that I did great. So I got my first TV show appearance out of the way, and ER isn't a bad way to start. Hopefully it'll open more doors and lead to bigger things.

Thank you to everyone who's been sending me good wishes and thoughts. I don't know how many times I heard "break a leg!...get it? because you have a broken leg in the show...haha" You guys rock!

Meeting Bill Cosby

2006-07-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

This past Thursday I got hooked up by Mayra with VIP tickets to see Bill Cosby. Not only did I get to see his show sitting in the second row, dead center, 8 feet in front of him, but I got to meet him before the show as well and take a picture with him.

I finally got to meet a comedy LEGEND! And if you note my comedy inspirations on my page, Bill Cosby is listed amongst them, and that was there before I even knew I was going to meet him. So don't think it was added as a suck up, because of meeting with him.

So the meeting with him was short. There was about 20 VIP people who got to meet him beforehand. The only reason I was able to meet him is because Mayra's boss is a bigwig who is on the Board of Directors for the OC Fair, which is where the show took place.

So me and Mayra walk up and shake hands with him. Mayra introduces herself and I tell him my name is Robert and he askes Mayra who I am. She tells him I'm a comedian "TOO". Now, I know that technically I'm a comedian, but this is Bill Cosby, one of the top 5 comedians probably of all time. I'm no where near his league. So when she said "too" I cringed a little. It's like someone who does amateur porn in his basement going up to Ron Jeremy and saying, yeah, I'm a porn star too. Yeah, you may do some porn, but your not up there with his status yet, no matter what your mom tells you.

So he's like "Oh really! Get out of here. Are you any good?"

How do you respond to this? Saying yes, makes you sound conceited. Am I good Bill? Hell yes, I'm good. I tell the best dick jokes in town.

But I can't say, nah, I'm okay or I'm decent, because even though it's Bill Cosby, you still have pride and want him to know you are funny and not just some hack off the street doing knock knock jokes. Plus, whenever you meet someone who does acting and comedy like I do, there's always a part of you that says, "Who knows, maybe he'll be like, hey why don't you open for me and do 10 minutes? And then I'll rock it, and he'll love it, and ask me to do more shows with him and then create a new sitcom for me and it'll all because of this one meeting with him!" It'll make a great E! True Hollywood Story, but isn't likely to happen.

So I respond with, "Yeah, I guess you can say I'm pretty good. I mean, I've performed on tv a couple of times." After this I felt like a big doofus and wanted to run away screaming like a little bitch. I've been on tv a couple of times? Is this really going to impress Bill Cosby who had one of the, if not the biggest, tv show hits? I was on SiTV and Live in Hollywood! Aren't you jealous of me now Cosby! Yeah, you may have hit tv shows, films, records and books, but I was on a show that came on nationwide at 1am Sunday mornings for a whole season before being cancelled! Take that!

So he responds to my pathetic attempt to impress him with a OOHH Really! TV huh!

This was very cool of him, because if I was him, I would have laughed in my face and smacked me and then said, what are you going to do about it? I'm Bill Freakin Cosby bitch!

Then he asks Mayra if I curse in my act. She didn't hear him at first, so she hesitated and my heart about dropped, because Cosby is a clean comedian who doesn't like comics who cuss. And yes, I may occasionally cuss if it's needed or if I'm in Oakland, but I try to stay clean these days. Finally, she says "no, he doesn't cuss. He's all about the college education." I'm not sure exactly how the college education was relevant or made any sense to the conversation, but I understand what she was trying to get at.

So we finish by taking our picture with him and then head out. The show was incredible. He sat there and did 1 hr and 45 min without even breaking a sweat. He's 69 years old and can do 2 hour shows like it's nothing. He sits most of the time with a mic attached to his ear, but he will still stand up to do some jokes or get on the ground to act out other bits. There was an audience of probably 5,000. It was packed, and everyone loved him. He can just tell stories all day and people will pay attention and laugh. I would love to be a comedian like him. I like to tell stories in my act, and to be able to do that much time is incredible. People struggle to get to 10 min, 30 min, and 45 min. Imagine doing 1hr 45 min and not even breaking a sweat.

So it was a great show. I got to finally meet one of the greatest comedians of all time. He's probably the biggest celebrity I've met so far in LA. I loved the show and most importantly, I'll soon have a new Myspace picture. And let's face it, it's all about getting the new Myspace Picture, right people!

Just a little gym story...

2006-06-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

So me and my homeboy Josh (#3 on my top friends) have started working out everyday at Bally's. We started last Monday and have gone everyday, Mon-Fri. So we are pretty proud of ourselves and are already predicting how sexy we will look in 1 month. I've started running on the treadmill and am doing 1.5-2 miles. My man-titties are even disappearing, which I guess some consider a positive thing, but they are always nice to feel when I'm lonely and horny... so it's a good and bad thing.

So I'm feeling pretty in shape now and with my record 11min 30 sec mile (I know that's not fast for most, but I am a big guy, you critical bastards) I'm feeling like I'm getting back into my football shape.

So my friend Pamela who also works out at Bally's, decides she wants to take a cardio-aerobic-weight class thing. So I'm like cool. It'll be a nice change of workout and I get to stare at girl's butts the entire time! Win Win situation!

Have you ever been the most out of shape person in an entire room? Well I now have. This class was some sick twisted invention of Satin. First we have to do 3 laps on the indoor track. So I do one and then go to the locker room and pee. And wait til it seems like I should have done 3 laps before going back to the class. Then we have to set up our area, which is the step platform thing, hand weights and then like a light bench press bar with weights on it and some other fitness crap. I see what the ladies put on their bar, so I double it, because I'm in shape and I'm buff!

I should have known it was a bad sign, when I was already sweating from just setting up our areas with the weights.

Then we start working out. Doing every muscle in our body plus cardio. I'm doing my best to keep up, but I couldn't. It was embarrassing because there were other girls there and older ladies who kept up with no problem AND did more weight than me. So much for looking manly.

Then the instructor came over to me once in the middle and asked if I was ok? I guess I looked like I was about to pass out and crap my pants. I was like YES I'M OK! I'm just resting my eyes...damn... leave me alone... I GOT THIS! Ok, maybe I didn't say all that. It was probably more of a weak grunt as I wiped away my tears.

So an hour goes by and the Fitness Nazi keeps going. Then another 30 minutes and another 30 minutes. It was a 2 hour class! Oh my god! I'm glad I peed at the beginning, or else I would have pissed all over the mat and weights because all my muscles were maxed out. What I don't get is that the instructor didn't even look in shape. She was kind of fat. How is she the instructor? Where is the Billy Blanks looking instructor?

So yeah, that was my first gym class. And the moral of the story is that you may think you're in shape, but there's always an old lady out there who is more in shape.

Ramblings

2006-06-14T22:13:00.000-07:00

What's up my peoples! Or should I saw Wassup! I'm at that awkward age now, where I don't know if it's still cool to type my words to look like ebonics. When I say what's up, I feel like a square, old white person. Look, I even said "square," which is an old white people term. When I say "wassup" I imagine a 16 year old hoodrat, which makes me feel lame, or even worse, a 40 year old guy still sayin Wassssupppp, like those beer commercials that were played out years ago. I hate when people who are older than 21 type as if they are 13 year old girls typing on a keyboard that's missing all the punctuation keys and half of the alphabet. I shouldn't have to read my emails out loud in order to understand what the hell you're trying to tell me! I just want to know how your doing. How's you're life? How's that alcoholism working out for you? I'm not trying to decipher the DaVinci Code when reading your freakin email.

Being 25 years old, I also don't know what to do when I go to the movies with a homeboy. Do I still skip a seat inbetween us like I did when I was younger and didn't want to look gay? Or do we sit next to each other like adults? I guess it's not a big deal to sit next to my homeboy, though it is nice to have extra space, especially when your ass takes up extra space. On the other hand, sitting next to your homeboy does make it easier to hold hands and make out during the previews.... On similar note, why do my blogs always turn out so many gay references... It's because I'm secure in myself!... right?....maybe?... hopefully?...

Well life has changed a little for me lately. I now have 3 children and 4 baby's mamas... how the hell does that add up? I'm just kidding, I don't have any kids...(thanks to the "pulling-out" method of birth control! It's the best form of birth control. It takes great timing, a low sperm count, and slipping her the morning after pill the next day... "No baby, this pill is to keep you from getting a hangover, really!")

Actually, I was promoted at my job to supervisor. So now I supervise the night shift from 10pm-6am, leaving my days free for auditions and counting the hairs on my ass! I'm liking it so far, though right now I work Fri, Sat and Sun nights, so I have no weekend

Acting-wise, I've been going on a good number of auditions. I even was put on avail for one commercial, which is the final step before booking it. Unfortunately I didn't book it, otherwise I wouldn't still be talking to you Myspace losers... I mean, I didn't book it, otherwise I would have taken all of my great friends out for dinner! Yay, Hometown Buffet! One of the casting people did tell me I was their first choice for the commercial, but something must have happened right at the end and they decided to go a different way all of a sudden. Most likely, it was probably because they realized I was too sexy for their product and would overshadow the sale with my hunkness.

So yeah, that's what's been up with me. I hope to hear from people and let me know what you've been up to. If anyone wants to hang out on my weekends (Wed and Thurs) let me know (sobbing)... Wed and Thurs weekends suck! You know how much harder it is to find a good hooker on those days? Well do you? I didn't think so!

PS: GO MAVS!!!!

PSS: I am starting to like that fuckin Paris Hilton song, and I want to shoot myself in the earlobe because of it.

Penis or No Penis

2006-04-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

It was time for my annual haircut. And not to keep talking about Supercuts, but I had a different experience today.

My hair was cut by a transexual today. I don't know what the correct term is, transexual, transvestite, transgender... I don't know if she was post-op or pre-op, because I wasn't able to get my hand far enough up her leg to be certain...

But let me set the scene for you. I walk in looking for either the gay Mexican guy or the fine Asian girl. I was pretty disappointed when I saw a 6'2 220 lb Latin Transexual who looks like a linebacker with DD boobs, and the lady who cut my hair last time and did a horrible job, the one who I talked about in my "Supercuts" blog. Now I'm like, do I take my chances with the transexual or do I settle for another William Hung hairdo?

Well I didn't really have a choice, because the Almost MILF hairdresser was working on someone else and the To Wong Foo lady just finished with her customer.
Now I'm sitting in the chair and, (in order to stop having to say transexual, I'll call her Squishy)... So Squishy wraps the hair bib around my neck and I'm not lying, she nonchalantly rubs her hand on my neck and shoulders. Now don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm a big pimp and that everyone wants me, but I've been to Tijuana enough to know when a transexual is caressing me...

So I'm sitting there, nervous, heart beating fast, trying to look like I'm relaxed and not even noticing that there's something "different" about Squishy. I'm making casual conversation, while adjusting my hair bib to try and cover my erection...just like any other haircut right?

So she puts her hand on my head, and I'm not lying, her hand covered the entire top of my head. Her hands were HUGE! Now I'm feeling a little intimidated by Squishy. I put my hands in my pocket so she doesn't start making comparisons. Squishy starts cutting my hair and basically manhandles my head into any position she wants to get the best angle. I just go along with it, because she's bigger than me and has a razor next to my neck. I felt like I was on an episode of Oz.

Then she starts telling me about some pair of jeans she was buying and how she's a size 36 and the biggest they had were 33. Now, I really don't know how to respond to this. I have no interest in talking about someone buying jeans. All I know is that a size 36 is HUGE isn't it? I'm like, "Oh really? Dang. That sucks." This is one of my stock lines I have for when someone tells me something and I could care less but don't want to seem like I'm ignoring them. Then I start looking for a brochure or some shit on the wall to read and try to pretend to act interested in so I don't have to talk. "oooh, highlights! how interesting... let me read about it."

So she finally finishes and pulls her pants back up... I mean she brushes the hair off my face and puts gel, hopefully gel, in my hair. I pay and leave.

And I must say, penis or no penis, I got a great haircut.

MTV Yo Momma, What Really Happened

2006-04-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I just watched my episode of Yo Momma.

Some of it was good, but they edited it to make me look like I lost badly at the end.

So lets start at the beginning, here's the real scoop.

Introductions. I looked gay as hell. I did my intro a few different ways and they wanted me to act like I was hard and I ended up looking retarded and gay. "I'm Robert from Torrance and I'm going to hurt people's feelings." I didn't even know how to say Torrance because I've never been there before. I wanted to say, "My name is Robert and there's no way I'm going to be Next'ed... oh wait, this isn't that show?"

Beginning round, it's me and 4 other guys. They basically have every single guy diss me and they make me stand there with a goofy grin on my face like I can't defend myself. In reality, I hit each person back 5 times as hard whenever they tried to diss me. They tried to team up on me, but I slammed each one, dissing how each person looked. But they didn't show this. They let me do three jokes:

Yo momma so greedy, the only thing she shares is her herpes. (An original joke)

Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. (Not an original joke but it did well)

Yo momma is so ugly, her parents told her she was Muslim so she'd cover her face (One of my original gems that I created).

So they only showed 3 jokes from me. Then Rodney, the other guy in the finals representing "East LA" but actually living in South Central, in his first round he did like 8 jokes so it looked like he dominated.

Round 2

It was me versus another one of the guys from the 5.

This was the round where they made me look good.

They showed some of my best jokes like

Yo Momma so poor, Angelina Jolie adopted her (Original joke from my homeboy Miguel, thanks Miguel for all the help man)
Yo momma so hairy, she almost died at birth from rugburn (not an original joke)
Yo momma so fat she has a black belt in sushi (Original joke)
Yo momma so stupid, Britney Spears tried to have her baby (original)
Yo momma so fat, her jeans are made by Hummer (original)

I also had a little comeback to one of his jokes about taking him mom out.

Oh yeah, then they did a close up of me after winning looking all sweaty with a big pimple on my lip. Where the hell did that pimple come from? I don't remember that!

Now came the gay ass Home Invasion section where we go to each other's homes in order to find things to make fun of. The majority of stuff is planted, remember that.

In his home, the gags are:
He has a kid comforter on his bed (don't know if planted or not)
He had a survival blanket (hilarious huh)
Basketball trophies (hahahahaha)
X large girl panties (planted by MTV)
Porn next to a family album (probably planted)
And a mini bike in the garage (my sides hurt this is so funny...)

So yeah, not much to really make fun of. Oh yeah, I did a joke about how the porno was actually his family's home videos and they didn't use it and then they showed Wilmer doing a similar joke based on a joke I did. Will someone please deport his unfunny ass!

Now they come to my place.

Yo momma has a theme of where the final two people is usually a skinny person and a big person. They put the typical food all over the big people's place giving the other person lots of ammo. The big person has ALWAYS lost because they lose the round where they diss the other person's place, because we don't get any ammo to use.

So this is what they show in my place

A south beach diet book and junk food next to each other (Both were planted)
The Clapper (this was actually mine)
Big boxers (planted)
Pizza boxes (planted)
An old Nautica leather sandal from high school (actually mine)
A buddha that they put my face on (both mine)
Clown wig and nose (planted) I'm a stand up comic not a clown
This tube that goes on my portable air conditioner (this is mine)

So yeah, compare what he has to work with and what I have to work with.

So the finals, Round 1, Freestyle jokes

I kill him! All original jokes too! Plus, they don't show him freezing up 3 times because he ran out of jokes (which he barely had any in the first place). They also don't show the shows writing staff helping him out and giving him jokes to do. Plus he didn't have any good or original jokes, so it really was as lopsided as it looked.

Round 2, jokes based on our homes

He kills me! They edit it to make me look horrible. Granted, I didn't do so well in real life, because I honestly couldn't come up with many jokes about his place. But they made sure to show all the jokes where I stumbled on or didn't get a good response from to make me look worse. They made it very lopsided and didn't show any of my good jokes. This round I lost the crowd. So you guys don't think that I'm crying because I'm perfect and won everything, I'm letting you know he did better in the home jokes and won that round.

Oh yeah, the part I hated the most thought was that they made it look like I choked. We had already done LOTS and LOTS of jokes, and I ran out eventually, but they made it look like I froze after 2 jokes. And they never showed the other guy choking THREE TIMES! They only show like 1/20th of all the jokes we do, so eventually after doing 30 minutes of yo momma jokes back and forth, you run out or pause to think of another joke. I was trying to come up with another joke, but they turned it into me choking. I lasted a lot longer joke wise than the other guy, so that's why I didn't like how they made me look.

So I won round 1 and he won round 2, we're even.
Technically it should come down to round 3, the final knock out joke.

Here's his joke. You so fat I asked you for a push up and you went to an ice cream truck.

Here was my joke. Yo momma's breath so bad, she has streak marks on her lips.

Here's what sucks, that wasn't my real knock out joke. I used that joke in the first or second round. My knockout joke was

Yo momma so easy, they named a sitcom after her called That 70's Ho.

This got a big response, but they put it in the first round and edited in a weaker joke in the final round so that it looks like the other guy won.

So yeah, that's what really happened. Reality tv can do what they want, to make it look how they want. So don't believe everything you see. And just know this, I didn't do as badly as they made me look. Many thought I should have won because I actually had original jokes and jokes in general, but he didn't. He did have good energy though, just not any jokes to back it up.

And that my friends, is the Robert True Hollywood Story of Yo Momma!

Supercuts

2006-03-18T12:19:00.000-08:00

I got a haircut a couple of days ago. Unfortunately, I barely have enough money to afford Supercuts. And Supercuts is one step above just cutting my hair myself with a dull butter knife.

The reason I hate going to Supercuts is because it's like gambling. You never know if you're going to get someone who knows what they're doing because they actually went to Haircutting School, or wherever it is haircutters go to, Haircutting Academy, I don't know... or if you're going to get someone who just fucks your hair up because they have no clue what they are doing and they are just happy to be able to make some money to support their crack habit.

It's kind of like playing craps, you walk in like, "Come on, Please let me get gay guy! Or please let me get black guy! No old white lady! AND PLEASE no ASIAN lady!!! For the love of God, NO ASIAN LADY!... Oh crap, I got the Asian Lesbian! I'm SCREWED!"

I don't know why most Asian lady's cannot cut hair. They give everyone the same 1970 Bruce Lee bowl head haircut. Is cutting hair really that hard. It's not like driving a car is involved. Haha, I'm such a hack.
Anyways, when going to Supercuts, you usually just hope for the best. You just want them to get your hair in the general ballpark of where you want it, and then you can go home and fix it up better. I'm glad only haircuts are like that and not other things like cars. Go to Pep Boys and just hope they get your car running well enough to get you home, where you can finish the job. Or go to the doctor and get him to give you just enough medicine to relieve your STD for the day and you'll finish healing it on your own at home. And yes I referred to my doctor as a him, because if I have an STD, I sure as hell don't want a female doctor to know. Who knows, she may tell her other female doctor friends and then I'm screwed when I'm at my next doctors convention hitting on female doctors.

So where was I going with this long tirade? Oh yeah, I went to Supercuts and there is a gay Mexican guy who does a great job and so I always hope for him. Unfortunately, some new lady popped out and so I had to let her cut my hair. This lady looks like she was probably once good looking, like 10 or 15 years ago, but then she ran into some bad luck or maybe rehab a few times, and so now she's kind of torn down. So now she has low self-confidence and low self-esteem. You know, the kind of girls that are just my type! Well she did a horrible job on my hair. Spent like 5 minutes cutting my hair, mostly with one hand like she was scarred to touch my head. My lice has been cleared up for 3 days now, so it was safe to touch my head. So she finishes, I get her phone number, and I head home to try and finish the job.

On another note, I realized that I've had a similar hair do for like 7 years now. I need a new look. I think the whole Ricky Martin Living La Vida Loca hair do may be a little tired now. Any suggestions on what my next look should be?

Horrible Morning Radio Shows

2006-03-15T18:04:00.000-08:00

Now that I work 6am-2pm and now that I have a car stereo again, I've started listening to morning radio shows. I tuned into Kiss FM with Ryan Seacrest. This dude is like a big vagina with frosted hair. Everytime I listen, he's siding with girls about how bad guys are. And then he helps girls test their men with this segment called Ryan's Roses. This is where a girl has the radio station call their boyfriend and they ask him who he wants to send free flowers that he won to. If he doesn't say his gf then he's cheating. I know that the guy shouldn't have been cheating, but damn Ryan, why don't you ever set girls up to take a fall? I mean, if your going to catch a guy, at least test him with a hooker so if the guy cheats, he at least leaves with a blowjob as a parting gift.

Listening to his show is like listening to a radio version of The View with less testosterone. I know people always tease him about being gay, but I really do think he is gay. He talks to girls as a gay guy would. Always taking their side and saying the guy is a dog. He's the Gay Best Friend!

Unfortunately, there aren't many good or decent morning talk shows in LA. 100.3 the Beat isn't that good. John Sally is as funny as a puppy drowning. And Ananda or whatever her name is, tries to sound smart but really isn't. She's like one of those guys who go to jail, read a book, and try to come out acting as if they are now intellectuals who understand the world and politics and economics and tries to use big words, but they use them incorrectly. It's like slow down GED, lets learn the alphabet before you try quoting Socrates. And John Sally tries to act like he's all about the community. Come on Sally, you were a NBA player. We know you don't care. You were the unfunniest person on The Best Damn Sports Show Period, and that show had TOM ARNOLD on it! How can you host a radio show?

I haven't listened much to Big Boy on Power 106 because they are number 4 on my dial, and by the time I get around to that number I usually give up and put my IPod on. I'm not sure if it's good or not, so I won't give any comments.

But the WORST of the morning shows has to be Adam Corrolla on 97.1 Free FM. Oh my god! I know the ads say he's as funny as he thinks he is, and they are right. He's the only one who thinks he's funny. Every skit fails. It's like listening to a poorly ran college radio station. Together Corrolla and Jimmy Kimmel are pretty funny on the Man Show. Seperately, you wonder how they ever made it. Corrolla makes Andy Milonakis and Tom Green look like a comedy geniuses.

Ok, well that's my little rant for the day. You know who the best radio show is? Frosty, Heidi and Frank on Free FM from 10am-3pm. They are freakin hilarious and I listen to them when I drive home from work.

Who do you guys think are good or bad on radio? I'm in the market for new shows to listen to.

Damn I'm Skinny

2006-03-13T11:50:00.000-08:00

I decided it's time to lose weight and get back down to the weight I was at when I was a runningback in high school. I'm hoping to get to 220-ish.

I started to do this new diet called Nutrisystem, where they send you prepackaged food for you to eat. Basically you eat a healthy combination of carbs, protein, fruit, vegatables and water. I started on Thursday and in the past 4 days I've lost a freakin 6 pounds. Not bad for four days. I'm tellin ya, I'm freakin SKINNY now. I'm like annorexic looking. I look like the third Olsen sister. Ok, well maybe not that skinny yet.

Someone actually asked me why I was on a diet though. Are you freakin kidding me. Look at me. I'm huge! You know you need to lose some weight when you go to Supercuts and they can't even snap the hair bib around your neck. They got to tuck it into your collar. It would also be nice to be able to walk up to my second floor apartment without having to take a break inbetween floors. Is it normal to get winded while putting on shoes? Not even regular shoes, flip flops!

Ok, well enough dissing my weight. I'm determined to lose it now. To be honest, I stayed big for the past few years because I like food and I was getting ALOT of work as a big guy. Being big made me stand out and it was profitable. But now it's time to look after my health. Plus I haven't seen my penis in years...haha.. jk. My penis (I call him Winky) is my best friend and I see him at least every half hour for play time. So be on the look out. I'm going to start posting pictures of me as I lose weight. Hopefully it doesn't turn out to be like 2 pictures of me. One pic at my heaviest and the other is me 8 pounds lighter after a year of dieting.

Stay tuned and be on the look out for the new Robert Martinez.

Make 'em say UHHHHHHH!!!

2006-03-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

Guess who I just auditioned for????

Nope... guess again....

That's right, Master P! Damn, you're a good guesser.

My manager got me an audition for Master P. I guess he is doing some films and is looking for people to fill some roles. And honestly, who wouldn't want to be in a sequel to the Award Winning Blockbuster of a film, I Got the Hook Up! Hahaha, I auditioned for I Got the Hook Up Vol. 2 and to my surprise, Master P was actually doing the auditions himself. He's also directing the film. I was kind of shocked, because usually people who are big time don't go to first auditions. Plus I thought he was off ballroom dancing with some celebrities or ice skating, or whatever show he did. All kidding aside, I'm a huge fan of Master P. I guess it's a southern thang! I mean, "Freak Hoes, bounce that ass and make your knees touch your elbows!" Brilliant! And one of my favorite songs is his song, Rock Tha Boat.

So the audition was basically looking for comedic characters or comedians. So I went in and did two of my bits. And guess what? I BOMBED horribly. They barely laughed. I know that there were only 4 of them, but still, a little response wouldn't have hurt. I don't know if my material was too sophisticated. I started off with my clever joke about racial stereotypes and when that didn't go over well, I did a fat joke and got what little response I could.

I was a little embarrassed at first, because I originally thought it was an audition for one of his music videos. So my ass walks in wearing a thong and booty shorts... talk about feeling AWKWARRRRRRD.

So even though I messed up the audition and will probably never get a Master P film now (my one chance at getting an Oscar :( it was cool meeting Master P... or "P" as I call him now that we're best friends. And yes, I do the air quotes when I say P too. I'm hip. I'm with it.
So that was my exciting audition for the day. I also got called by a casting director who said the director saw my pic and wanted me to do a VERY featured role in an Anthony Hopkins film. I'm like WHAAAAAAAT!!!!!! Then my bubble got burst, because it was just extra work which I can't do. :(

Well hopefully something good comes along soon and I get a great gig. I sure could use the money. I'm starting my Nutrisystem diet this week. So that's an extra $300/month. I figure it's time to get serious and get back down to my sexy Robert weight. I know it's only 5 less pounds than what I'm at now, but I'm determined to get there ;)

New Commercial

2006-03-05T13:52:00.000-08:00

Well things have been going pretty well. I shot an Eastwood Insurance commercial a week ago. Unfortunately, the Eastwood Cowboy wasn't in my commercial, he's off shooting Brokeback Mountain 2 or something.

The commercial is basically a bunch of people in the ER with head injuries because everyone fainted after seeing their insurance rates. I was one of the principals, so I had a scene where I walk into the ER and another scene where I'm being inspected by the doctor. I tried to get a prostate exam for the fun of it, but the "doctor" kept trying to tell me he was just an actor. Obviously, he wasn't very committed to his character, because a real actor would have strapped a glove on and got to poking.

So I'm looking forward to seeing my commercial. It'll probably air during daytime tv. I'm also up for some other commercials including a Comedy Central Promo, a Budweiser commercial and a Japanese print ad.

Today I go in for callbacks for the Japanese print ad. Once again I'm required to show some skin and take my shirt off and pose in a swimsuit. I guess showing my skin is just one of the curses of being so sexy. What's funny is that I skipped the original audition because I had a heat rash on my titty and was embarrassed so I didn't go cuz of car trouble. Then they called me back for the callbacks, when I didn't even audition, so I guess they want to see me badly.

Well that's just a little update on what's happening. If I book something else soon I'll post again with some more details and I'll have more time to be funny.

Right now I'm getting my apartment ready for an Oscars get-together. I feel so "Sex in the City" right now, ie the gay best friend :(

To counter this I'm rooting for every non-gay film to win! GO TRANSAMERICA!!!!

A look back and a look forward

2006-01-25T20:42:00.000-08:00

So for my own selfish reasons, I'd like to take a look back at my 2005 resolutions and then make new resolutions for 2006. I'm doing it in my blog so that I have a record of it and can check it whenever I want. Feel free to read this if you're interested, otherwise, kick rocks. ;)

Here is a copy of my 2005 blog resolutions:

Here are my new year's resolutions for 2005. Some are for real and some aren't. Only I will know what is what.

1. Sign with a talent agency in Los Angeles.
(did pretty well here. Actually, I signed with 3 agencies in one year. My first agency only lasted a few months before I switched to my current commercial agent. Also signed with a theatrical agent and a personal manager. Go me!)

2. Lose 80 lbs.
(Um, didn't do too well here. Actually booked to do a commercial for Hoodia, the new weight loss supplement, and um, well they kicked me off the project because I gained 5 pounds over the month instead of losing weight... it was water retention, I swear!)

3. Be successful in acting and comedy, not having to get an extra job.
(Well I was successful, but not financially successful, so I had to get a job working for a call center for Ultimate Shopping Network. The job sucks, but the coworkers are awesome!)

4. Make 10 new friends in LA.
(I may have reached this goal. I made all my friends within the last couple of months, so I barely pulled it off.)

5. Appear in a television show or movie.
(I did an MTV tv show, I guess I'll count it, even if it's reality tv. But my homemade porno hasn't been picked up by any distributors or downloaded on Limewire yet :(

6. Discover the cure for Cancer or at least cure my athlete's foot.
(I almost cured my crotch itch.)

7. See what all the fuss over fake breasts is about.
(Unfortunately, still waiting to find out. Every time I see a fake breast, it's usually running away from me. The closest I've come to a fake breast is eating at KFC, hahahahahahahah, wacka wacka wacka!)

8. Run a mile in 8 minutes.
(I can't even drive a mile in 8 minutes in stupid LA traffic! I've gotten so out of shape, my new goal is to run 8 minutes straight.)

9. Work out at least 4 times per week.
(I was going more for the "work out 4 times per month", and I don't think I met that quota)

10. Start using 2 ply toilet paper.
(Almost started doing this, then I found toilet paper at the 99 cent Store!)

11. Don't pick nose in public and then flick it at people I don't know.
(Still working at this. Now I only flick it at people I do know.)

12. Don't laugh at people when they trip and fall.
(I learned my lesson about doing this, when the person got up and kicked my ass. But I guess it was partly my fault since I did trip her in the first place. Stupid 2nd Grader.)

13. Stop watching so much porno... or at least before 9 AM.
(I don't watch porno anymore... ok I'm lying.)

14. Start waking up after 9 AM. (I wake up at 5 freakin-am now for my stupid job!)

15. And finally... Enjoy my first year in La La Land! (I've had a blast and am glad I made the move! To everyone I've met so far, thank you for helping this be a great year.)

2006 Resolutions

Lose 60 lbs. - I'm serious this time!
Get a guest star role in a tv show.
Land a national commercial.
Get a small role in a feature film.
Make 10 new really good friends. Sorry to my old new friends, but you must be replaced, jk ;)Work out at least 3 times/week.
Make lots of money and get out of debt.

Yo Momma Update

2006-01-05T16:46:00.000-08:00

Note: I had posted this earlier and decided to take it down until after the show had aired after being cautioned by some friends, because I didn't want MTV to sue me over hinting at the outcome. But people have been asking what happened, so I've edited it so that there's no hint and just wrote about what happened.

What's going on everyone? I know you all are sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear the outcome of the MTV Yo Momma finals. Well get the pins out of your ass, because I'm about to dish the dirt girlfriend.

So first off, let me explain that the episode consists of semifinals for two areas of LA, a home invasion, and then the finals between the two winners of each semifinal. My episode is Torrance vs East LA. If you read the earlier post, you'll know that I unexpectedly won Torrance and moved to the finals.

So a week or two later we did the home invasion, where I go to the other guys place with Wilmer Valderrama to "get dirt" on him, and he comes to my place with Wilmer to "get dirt" on me. For those of you naive people, who think Reality TV is really real, I'm about to give you a wake up. They fake so much shit.

The people from Yo Momma plant things in your place in order to give them things to make fun of and laugh at. Of course, the producers of the show are very two-faced and told me they were just adding some "gags" for fun, but that it wouldn't be bad because they like me and don't want me to look bad. When they came over, they gave me some money so I'd leave to go eat lunch and not see what they planted. Having the self-control of a starving dog, I gladly took the money and headed to the nearest buffet. Now I know why they wanted me gone. Apparently, they planted things such as a penis pump or enlarger, dick pump, wrote "The doctor called and said your test results were in, they were positive," pink boas, pink fluffy pillows, beer bongs and beer cans everywhere, pizza boxes and junk food bags everywhere, including under my pillows, along with diet books like South Beach diet, amongst other things. So they basically made me look like a limp-dicked, alcoholic, overeating yo-yo dieter gay guy with a disease. How fun! Nice little harmless "gags" except for the people who think it's really shit in my room. Fortunately, there aren't too many stupid people in America who believe everything they see on tv right??? Oh wait, Bush was elected TWICE...so there goes my image on MTV. Now I'll never be able to land those 16 year old girls I hit on at the mall...

So, I wouldn't be too upset if the planting was even in both places. Here's what they planted in the other guys room: juice boxes, a can of spam, a can of vienna sausages, and possibly a pair of big girl panties... How hilarious...

Oh yeah, let me talk about Wilmer for a little bit. This guy showed up with an actual driver/bodyguard. Are there people out there who really care about hurting Fez! Oh lord, what would the world do if something happened to the fourth most popular character on That 70's Show. Maybe he thinks he was still dating Lindsey Lohan or maybe he thinks he's Ashton Kutcher. So he goes around the room and points out things and tries to make funny remarks and I was supposed to follow him around and laugh at his jokes and try to throw in some jokes of my own about the guys stuff. The only time Wilmer was funny was when he tried to say an "S" word with that gay lisp of his. The only time I laughed was when he had trouble with his English and had to get help from a producer. I know I'm dissing him a lot, but that's because he acted like a dick around me. I would do some jokes and he would dismiss it without a laugh or anything. So after he did this, I stopped laughing at any of his jokes and had a bored expression on my face. The same kind of expression I have when I watch That 70's Show.

Ok, so a week goes by and it's time for the finals which was this past Saturday night. Sorry to those I didn't give the information too. Honestly, I was debating on whether to do well or try and make waves, and so I didn't want people who knew me there if I was going to screw up. The reason I was going to make waves is because I didn't know if I wanted to win, because Yo Momma jokes are hard as hell to come up with, especially original, pop culture ones, which is what I was told they wanted. So I was thinking about showing up and doing a lot of jokes at the expense of Wilmer. Such as "Yo Momma so stupid, she paid to see Party Monster." For those who don't know, Party Monster was a horrible movie that Wilmer was in. But I actually came up with a lot of orginal jokes and got help from my friend Miguel and some other Bay Area comedians, so I was like what the hell, I'll go ahead and try to win so I can make some extra money. Plus the winner goes to the Best of the Best show, where the winner gets an extra $1000 plus a PSP, which I really wanted.

So I show up and all the producers are like, yeah, this guy is unprepared, you should have no problem with it. It's probably going to be a blowout, you will likely be the winner. Blah blah blah bullshit bullshit. So the finals is three parts, a freestyle yo momma jokes section, then dissing each other's houses based on what we saw, and then a final knockout joke. The other guy had about 2 yo momma jokes. He spent the ENTIRE show just doing fat jokes about me. Nothing clever and lots of times he had to stop taping because he would freeze and couldn't think of anything to say. Then the producers would go and give him some jokes to do. Also, the audience is split up into two sides. So his side is supposed to be "East LA" even though there was not one Hispanic extra in the bunch. My side was SUPPOSED to be on my side, unfortunately, he had a lot of friends on my side who ended up rooting for him. This is bad because when I would do a joke, his side would boo, no matter what and my side barely cheered. Also, they couldn't hear me very well because it was outside and my back was to them. I know you are probably thinking, this guy is full of excuses. Well screw you, I'm just telling you how it was.

So I did a grip of jokes, lots of them getting little response because my friends that were there said they could barely hear me. The other guy, I will give him, was very animated with good delivery. But that's about it. So then came the time to diss each other's pads. I had barely any jokes for that, because they didn't give me anything to work with. They showed me on a tv what they are going to show from his room, and the majority of the things that they did plant were cut out, so it was shit like a Lisa Leslie basketball book under his pillow and scalpels in his closet, stupid shit that isn't funny. So he won that round because he made fun of all the things they planted. That's how I found out about the penis pump and pills. I was caught off guard by this, so didn't respond very quickly, because I wasn't expecting that.

The final knockout joke, my was better, his was another fat joke. I said, "yo momma's so easy, they named a sitcom after her called, "That 70's Ho". Will and the other two hosts deliberated for a really long time, so they were probably debating on who'd be a better winner for the netxt show. It took a long time for them to come back with a winner and I was surprised by the ending! You'll have to watch to see what happened. (This was my MTV suckup so that they can't say I said who won.)

Oh, someone told me Will is dating Ashlee Simpson, which is funny because I did a "Yo momma so stupid, she's tutored by Jessica Simpson" joke.

Here are some other gems:
They call your mom's mouth the Insane Asylum because she's had so many nuts in it.

Yo momma so ugly, the day after she was born they invented the morning after pill.

Yo momma so poor, her car breaks down more than Mariah Carey.

I can't remember the others because I've thrown out all the yo momma jokes I had written down. Oh here's another messed up part. One of the producers was talking shit about me to my friends before the show. I've typed so much, I won't go into detail, but he's a little punk ass bitch who thinks that he has a lot of power even though he works on a MTV Reality show that probably won't last more than 1 or 2 seasons, depending on how desperate MTV is for shows.
Hopefully I see him someday, so I can bitch slap him with a penis pump.

The Best of the Best show was that Monday evening. I can't say what happened or if I was there because it'll give away the ending to the other show.

Oh well. Oh yeah, so I filmed a commercial for Normandie Casino that will be played on local Time Warner cable, so be on the look out for it. I don't have Time Warner so if you see it, let me know.

And that my friends, was the ending to my Yo Momma joke telling career, and probably my MTV career... The show starts in February, so if you have 30 minutes to kill because you have absolutely nothing else to do or because you are immobilized in front of the tv and the remote control is missing and your eyes have been paralyzed open, and the channel is set to MTV, then watch my show. Looking forward to hearing your comments... but please don't give me any comments like...

That's show business (No shit Sherlock)
You should know that reality shows do things like that (Fuck off)
I want to have your babies (I have enough kids that I don't know about)

Wow, I finally did a reality show... it just hit me! It's official, I'm a loser! When the show airs in February or March, I'll give more feedback and discuss whatever they decided to show.

I'm too sexy for this blog

2006-01-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

So it's official, I'm a model. You all thought I was full of it when I said I plan on being the world's first plus size male model. But now you doubters can choke on my bacne.

Yesterday I shot my first print gig. It's for the advertisement of the upcoming film Fast Food Nation, based on the best selling book about fast food chains and the industry and it's effect on our country. As you can see, I'm a prime example of the effects fast food has on a person's body... it's makes us unbearably beautiful. So, I got paid a lot of money to pose and eat a huge Carl Jr's burger. And when they pitch it to the head honchos, if they pick one of my pictures to be the final print, then you guys may see me on posters advertising the movie.

It was cool doing a photo shoot. Usually I hate doing photo shoots for headshots, so this was a nice change. Of course throwing a big burger at me can make any event fun. You can shave my testicals with a rusty knife and I'll be happy if you throw some beef at me.

And I have a confession to make... I showed some skin... yes... I went topless for some of the shots. I felt like one of those midwestern girls who move to LA with big dreams and end up getting naked for a photographer. It was a little awkward though when the photographer looked up and saw me topless and asked me to please stop stripping and put my clothes on, because it wasn't that kind of shoot. I giggled and wiped the cocaine from my nose and put my shirt back on and pulled my pants back up over my g-string.

I also had to do some plumber shots, showing my butt crack. I wish I could say this was the first time I've ever had to do this... but it's not. I had to show some booty in this short film I did earlier this past summer. What can I say, the people demand to see my ass. Now I know what Jennifer Lopez feels like. Don't worry though, I'm still Robbie from the Block.

So it was a cool experience and hopefully they pick me for the final print and I get some exposure off of it. January 7th marks my one year anniversary in LA and print was the only kind of gig I hadn't done. Now I can mark that off. Not a bad start for 2006. Hopefully it keeps going.

Deleted Post

2005-12-24T15:53:00.000-08:00

Some of my friends are worried that the last blog I posted may cause me some trouble with MTV because I strongly suggest the outcome. Therefore, I've removed the post for now and will repost it after the show airs later in February.

What can I say, I'm MTV's bitch right now and don't want to risk them screwing me over again by suing me or making me do something worse like watch TRL and gay Room Raiders everyday.

MTV's YO MOMMA

2005-11-09T16:25:00.000-08:00

Well I just got back from filming Yo Momma.

There were five of us, three black guys and me and another Latin guy. Just to start off, I really didn't want to do this show at the beginning since I was never into yo momma jokes. The only reason I did it was because the show people kept calling me to come do an interview so they could pitch me to MTV. I guess I should back up to the beginning.

My dad was having sex with my mom and got her pregnant and 9 months later I was born.... Ok maybe I went back too far. So a few weeks ago I went to a Yo Momma taping just to do background because I needed $75, my crack habit has gotten a little out of control. At the taping, I saw Leah and Miguel, two other comedians I know from the Bay Area. Leah had already shot an epsiode of Yo Momma and was back to root on the winner from her "hood". Hanging out with them, so that I didn't have to stand by myself and look like a loser, we talked to one of the casting people and he wanted me to try out for the show. So I did a taped tryout, using some of Miguel's jokes against some other people. I guess they liked my personality so they called me the next day and wanted me to come in for a taped interview that they could use for the show and to pitch me to mtv.

I avoided the phone calls for a week, because I didn't want to do the show. I figured I didn't have a chance since I don't know any yo momma jokes. Finally, after the producers called Miguel to get him to call me, I went in and did the interview figuring I'd have a couple of weeks to prepare some if I did get on the show. Plus I could use the little bit of money they give you to be on the show and the exposure couldn't hurt either, hopefully.

They call me two days later, last Friday and tell me I'm on the show AND the show films on Wednesday (today). Great, now I have less than a week to prepare. So I get a grip of jokes on Monday and start memorizing them at work Monday night. I really planned on working on jokes all day Tuesday. Unfortunately, I'm a lazy bastard and slept til 5 pm, watched tv til 10 pm and went back to sleep and woke up at 7 am. So I spent 7-9am going over material and getting dressed before picking up Miguel and heading to the film location.

We get to the location and I'm pissed because I haven't eaten and the craft table (the table where they put food) has only little snack stuff. I was expecting hot food and someone cooking omlettes, like on a real set. So I sit around for a couple of hours while they finish the other episode they are shooting.

Then they take the five of us and have us do little intros like I'm Robert, putting it down for Torrence, blah blah blah. Oh yeah, the show I shot was for the Torrence neighborhood, cuz each episode represents a different part of LA. I've never been to Torrence and don't know where the hell it is. But oh well, I'm putting it down for them.

So I wanted to say in my intro, "What's up, my name's Robert and there's no way I'm going to be Next'd... oh wait, this isn't that show..." I thought it'd be funny and different and I HATE the intros they have people always do on MTV shows. They are so corny. But I had to do a formula intro and then a bunch of starring at the camera like I was getting ready to fight, walking towards the camera, shadow boxing. Awesome stuff, i know.

Finally we all rehearse how we and the background people all enter. They are filming this in some abandoned warehouse with crackheads and other of my family members all on the sidewalk. If this is to represent Torrence, I sure as hell am never going there for real.
Finally they say, ok, who from Torrence wants to represent and the five of us emerge from the crowd. Then they do a free for all where anyone disses on anyone. Oh yeah, Wilmer isn't hosting this, he only hosts the finals, so there's a second host guy who is doing all the hosting.
So naturally, they all try to diss my weight. Nothing original and the other Mexican guy really has a hard on for me, because everyone of his jokes he tries to diss me. Unfortunately for him, he has a hideously pimple riddled face. I tell him he looks like he washes his face for rocks and that his lisp is so thick I need a translator to understand him. I tell another guy that his afro has more lumps than his mama's titties. I'm doing pretty well at the beginning, holding my own, and I ease up the second half in order to preserve jokes for the next round.

So the round ends and the host goes off and comes back and says he knows who the first person to go to the next round will be, but is having trouble deciding between two of us for the other person. So me and this other guy have to do one joke against each other in order to make it to the final round. He says my mom is like a toilet, short and full of shit. Which they make him redo, saying crap. I tell him his forehead is so sloped, it looks like he's recovering from down syndrome. The audience votes and I advance to the head on head round.

So it's me and this other guy and we just have to go back and forth at each other. It's pretty even at the beginning til I pull out some original jokes. I tell him his momma is so poor, Angelina Jolie adopted him. The place goes wild. Thanks to Miguel for giving me that gem. Then he says, you know what, you need that $1000 more than me. I guess he was trying to diss me and say I'm poor. I shoot back yeah I need it to take yo momma out, she raised her rates. That kind of sealed it for me. I guess I'm not suppose to say if I won or not... so I am keeping quiet...
So now, I have to face the winner from East LA. I guess it'll be us two for the final part of the show and the winner gets $1000 and goes to the Best of the Best show. Before then, we do a home invasion thing. The other guy will come to my place with Wilmer and look around to find things to diss me on and I'll go to his place to do the same thing. It's like a gay version of Room Raiders I guess.

So, that's my story. An innocent background actor being vaulted into a fierce dissing competition and doing pretty well so far. The next part films Dec. 3rd. If you'd like to go to the taping as part of my posse, let me know and I'll send you the information. Miguel and another person I met today were filmed seperately as my posse, so you can get your face onto MTV.
The show begins airing in February. Hopefully I'll get some quality air-time and who knows, maybe it'll lead to bigger and better things. If you want to share some yo momma jokes with me to use, feel free to comment on my blog.

OCD

2005-10-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

So this past week was pretty cool. I had two auditions. The big audition was for a main part in the movie Scary Movie 4. Yes they are doing another one people. And it looks like they're putting a Mexican in it! Woohoo! Don't know how the audition went. Usually they film the audition, but I went in, read the scene a couple of times with the casting director, and that was it. There was a camcorder there, but I don't think he used it. Hopefully that was the case with the other actors and I just didn't suck so much that he didn't want to waste tape. The other actors seemed to be in and out quickly, so I'm praying that was the case. I wasn't as prepared as I usually like to be. I was told that I'd be improving the audition, but then I arrived and their was a scene from the script, so I only had a few minutes to go over the script.

Many people may think you just go in and read the script, but it's much more complicated than that. You have to make many decisions such as the attitude of the character, the motive of the character, any special gestures or ticks the character should do to make you stand out more, and of course, how much cleavage should I show and is the part worth having sex to get it. Many decisions to make with such little time. PLUS, I have the added pressure of deciding if I should attempt to do a Latin accent or not, which is stressful since my accent is as believable as a Mexican with car insurance...hehe...So I go in and actually end up starting the first part with an accent and finishing regular. I'm guessing it's not the best approach to an audition. Trying to salvage the audition, I started undressing, but the guy was not impressed and kicked me out. Next time I should wear the body glitter, it's more tempting... wow I sound gay. Maybe it's because my prison bitch picture from last halloween is staring right at me.

So, my second audition was very last minute. I was actually called and told to go straight over, it was just a one line part in the show Everybody Hates Chris. If I get it, I'll be appearing as the role of "The Ice Cream Man." I can just hear the Emmy's calling.

So I'm really liking my new agent and hope that I keep getting sent out often for films and tv. Hopefully I land something soon, because my soul is drained each night I go to work to hawk jewelry.

I also realized that I have a slight case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But it's ok, because I have a bigger case of lazyness, so it cancels it out. For example, I'll be like, "Oh, I need to wash my hands again....(sigh)... eh, I just won't touch myself." Or, "I wonder if I left the gas on. I should go check...(sigh)...eh, I just won't light a match."

Or, "I wonder if I turned off the lights. I should go check...(sigh)... eh, I just won't pay the electric bill, that'll take care of it."

And finally, "Did I lock the door?...(sigh)... I just won't leave the apartment, then I won't have to worry about that."

Funny??? Yes? No?? Huh? Huh? Tell me! Tell me goddamit! ... Sorry about that, time to go take my pills...

Where I've Been

2005-10-19T05:05:00.000-07:00

Damn, it feels like I haven't written anything in a long time. So you may be asking what's up with me. Others may not care. And other others may be wandering why I'm staring at them through the window.

Well I now have representation. That's right, I finally got a lawyer to represent me in my murder case. He said he has his fingers crossed that I'll get off on a technicality. I'm not sure if he's the best lawyer, but he's the damn cheapest, which is what counts when hiring a lawyer.
I also signed with a commercial agent. Don't know if I had said that before or not. I was with one agency and ended up switching to Commercial Talent. I almost landed a national Ford Explorer commercial, but didn't get it at the very end.

I also signed with a theatrical agent for film and tv, which is really really good, because it's so hard to do in LA. Plus the agency is a really good agency with lots of clout. From reading my post so far, I've decided to say "really" a lot and begin every paragraph with "I also". So I signed with The Stevens Group. They called me in and of course I showed up with a hang over from the night before. So I did terrible in the meeting, but they liked my tape so decided to sign me. They actually told me they weren't going to sign me from the meeting but the tape changed their mind. I love honest agents.

I've already been out on a couple of auditions. Once for The Shield and then for a movie called The Metrosexual. I did well in both auditions, hopefully I get something soon. The Shield was the toughest because I had to talk with an accent, luckily it was only 2 lines, so I think I got away with it.

I also have a new job. I work for the Ultimate Shopping Network where I work in the call center hawking jewelry and crap. It pays shitty, I don't get commission, and I work midnight til 8AM. It's hell but what are you going to do. It leaves the day free for auditions and so that's what I need. Surprisingly, I'm actually good at it and sell a lot of stuff, even though I hate selling and coming in to work. I look at it as motivation to make it acting wise soon! A funny story... they fired me after a week because the background check came back saying I had a felony on my record. I swear, you kill one person and they hold it against you forever. After rerunning the check they realized they were morons who made an error and rehired me. Oh boy, I love working for imcompetent people, it's so much fun to be so frusterated. But things are getting better hopefully, if they pay me all my money, and I have really cool coworkers that are my age. So that's nice to have friends. I never knew what it was like before.

Let's see anything else happening. Oh yeah, I got a commercial for this natural appetite suppressent. Well I hope I did. They called me and said I did, but I haven't been able to get a hold of them since to schedule a time to come in. It's not national or SAG or anything, so I won't make much money off of it, but it'll be a nice chunk of change to give to the credit card people. Finally being fat is paying off.

I just did a Comedy DVD as well. It will be released in January and is with Tommy Chunn from BET's ComicView and some other BET comedians. You know what sucks, getting paid a lot of money to be on a dvd and then bombing in front of the audience that has been instructed to laugh at everything. The audience just wasn't feeling me because I actually told jokes and didn't do dick and fart jokes. The producer said I did well, but I know I didn't do as well as I usually do, so I am upset about that. Hopefully I make it into the DVD and they can put a laugh track or something on it. It's called Afterhours and I'll let you know when it's released.

So that's a wrap up of my life lately. As you can see I got new headshots. Do you like? I hope so, they cost me a fortune, but I think they are worth it.
That's it for my little blog entry. I hope someone reads it :(

Pshh...I dunno vato...

2005-08-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm mixed, let's face it, I look 100% Mexican. But I have absolutely no accent. There's people from Africa who can do a better Spanish accent that I can, it's really irritating. Lot's of people say I sound Black...or white, depending on if I'm using proper English or not. I really wish I knew how to speak Spanish because everyone assumes that I do. And I tried learning Spanish in school, but I went to black schools, so I ended up learning Black Spanish, or as I call it, Ebonicos.Ghetto black people speaking Spanish is horrible. First of all, they don't call it Spanish, they call it speaking Mexican. "You speak Mexican? Yeah dog, yo speak-o Mexican-o." That's what Ebonicos is, adding an "o" to every other word. "Let's go to the store-o." "Let's eat faijita-os." Fajitas is already in Spanish homeboy-o.Latinos in LA are really bad. They get mad at you if you don't speak Spanish. Sorry Jose, I guess I missed the memo that said Spanish was the official language of LA. Excuse me, I had assumed the official language was Korean. I live near Koreatown where every damn sign is a symbol. I've learned that every Korean store is Korean Bar B Q. Don't Koreans eat anything besides Bar B Q? There are 5 on every block. I guess they are big fans of the Atkins diet in Korea. That's how they stay so slim.But back to what I was talking about, I don't even know why I learned English. I haven't been able to use it once in LA. It's a dead language like Latin out here.I have no idea how to respond when strangers come up to me and talk to me in Spanish. I'm like a deer caught in headlights. And the thing is, I never stop them at the very beginning and say "Sorry, but I don't speak Spanish." I nod in agreement and let them continue on and on until they eventually stop to wait for an answer or response. For some reason, I always think that if I listen closely I'll magically understand what they say and be able to respond in fluent Spanish. I've had people talk to me for five minutes and then at the very end, I just say "pshh, I dunno vato." It doesn't matter what they say. They could be asking me if I love having sex with guys or telling me that their child is dying and the only chance to live is if I call 911. Either way, they are going to get a "pshh, I dunno vato." Maybe an extra "Quiero Taco Bell" if I'm feeling extra Mexicany that day.

New Host of Comedy Time

2005-07-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone,
Good news. I have been hired by Comedy Time to be one of their Mobile Hosts of Comedy Time. For those who don't know about Comedy Time, it's a Mobi TV service for Sprint, Cellular and AT&T customers with video phones. People can watch tv, news, cartoons and comedy on their cell phones. I will be one of the hosts of the comedy introducing comedians and doing comedy of my own, etc. kind of like the hosts on MTV who introduce music videos.I guess you can say I'll be one of the first cell phone hosts out there. I hope I fit.

So be on the look out for it if you have a video phone.

www.comedy-time.com

Coming to a Cell Phone Near you

2005-07-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

So things have been going pretty ok this week. On Tuesday, I had an audition for a film called Asian Stories. It's an independent film. I think the audition went decent, not incredible. I get frusterated when I don't perform like I wanted to, but I blame myself for not preparing enough. It was a lot of dialogue and since I hadn't memorized it, I had to look at the page a lot, which I hate to do, because it doesn't allow me to "act" as much with the other person giving me my lines.

On Wednesday, I performed for the first time on the main stage at The Ice House comedy club in Pasadena. It was for Comedy Time, www.comedy-time.com which plays 3-5 minute acts on cell phones on Mobi TV. It's a pretty cool thing. People with video phone and who have Sprint, Cingular or AT&T can access all these different shows, including comedy sets from different comedians. My set went really well and I think I will be called in to audition for a host position on Comedy Time. So I may be one of the first Cell Phone Hosts. I'm not sure how it will work, I just hope that I fit onto those tiny cell phone screens. I may need to lose some weight, especially with those tiny cingular phones out now.

Wow, two cars just crashed into each other outside of my apartment. Both drivers Asian. That's just a combination looking for trouble right there. This is like the second accident that has happened in front of me. When driving the other day this truck was trying to cross a busy street and he got all the way to the last lane and then BOOM, another car hit him. The truck spun around and came about a foot away from hitting my car with was on the other side of the busy street. I was thinking great, another 'ghettofication" on my car. But I could have used the money from their insurance.

Last night I was driving into my apt garage and there were two Mexican guys sitting on a truck inside the garage with their doors open, Mexican music blasting, drinking 40's. I swear, the Latinos and Asians in LA couldn't be more stereotypical if they tried.

I started running the other day at the gym. It took me about a week to recover from the pain and soreness it caused to my body. I don't understand how people run for fun. That's like donating blood for fun. But I'm going to keep with it. I ran yesterday and am not too sore today. Hopefully it'll make me lose weight faster.

I just checked on the accident outside. For some reason there are about 15 people around the cars now. Two groups of Asians, which I assume are friends and family of the drivers and then some Mexicans or El Salvadorians, whatever the hell they are. I'm not sure how they fit into the equation. I think they are just being nosy cuz they have shit else to do in their lives. Maybe they are waiting for the Asians to turn around so they can steal their car radios. It's funny how everyone is standing outside watching. Before you say, but you went and looked too, there's a difference. I heard a large crash and went to see what happened. Then I left. I didn't stand there or walk to the crash to put my nose into it. One of the Mexicans actually took a camera over. Oh God, just like a Latino to try and turn some fender bender into a Telenovela. Get a life people. Haha, they don't even have batteries in the camera. Damn, the stereotypes keep coming.

My First Radio Appearance

2005-06-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I've officially been welcomed to Los Angeles. My car was broken into and my radio and CD's were stolen. It's ironic I think, that I get my radio stolen on the same day that I made my first radio appearance.

The stupid theifs even left the butter knife that they used to pry out the radio in my car. My mom was like you should have the police dust it for prints. I'm like yeah, I could if I was in Alabama. I don't think it will be a very high priority in LA where they have thousands of unsolved murders that they are either trying to solve or cover up. I don't think a little car stereo will get much attention. Plus I've seen how LAPD have handled other cases like OJ and Robert Blake. I think I'd have a better chance of getting my case solved by Nancy Drew. With my luck they'll mishandle it and I'll end up going to jail for Nicole Simpson's murder.

So that really sucked getting my car messed up. I don't mind losing the stereo because it wasn't too expensive and could be easily replaced. I'm pissed that they messed up my middle console on my car. Hopefully I can fix it myself since I don't have money to fix it. I had parked it across the street down the street in front of the ghetto Mexican apartments. So that is my fault. I should be more racist and stay away from ghetto Mexicans. Now I know.

The radio show went great. It was on XM Satellite radio on XM 169 "The Power" on a show called "TMI" (Too Much Information) with Alvin Jones. It went great. I did 12 minutes of material and then interviewed with him. Overall, I was on for 45 minutes. I had a great time. Alvin Jones is a great host and we really clicked. I was a little nervous at first, being that it was my first time. But eventually I got comfortable. It was a surreal experience performing through a phone and then trying not to be self-conscience (sp?) about your voice, because who knows how many people all over the United States was listening. Hopefully I did well and got some good publicity out of it. Nobody I know has XM radio yet, so nobody was able to listen and tell me how I did, but I will be getting a copy from Alvin, so I'll let you guys know how it sounds when I hear it. But it was a great experience and I'm glad I did it. Now I must go fix my car :(

Puppies

2005-06-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

This week has been pretty hectic. On Monday, I drove to the Bay Area to do an audition on Tuesday for the lead in this feature film called One Way to Valhalla. Can't say it went as well as I would have hoped. I didn't get much positive response from the director. I don't think I really looked like they character they were going for. The character's name is Glenn, so that kind of tipped me off that they wanted a white guy. And the character was in his early 30's. Don't know if I can pull that off considering i'm 24. Plus the last time I auditioned for this casting director a couple of months ago, it was for a character that was 17 years old. So I'm reading for 17 year olds and 30 years olds. I guess they don't put characters in their 20's in movies anymore. If I get the role, it will be a serious shocker. Plus it means I'll have to go through with selling my soul. What can I say, I'm a man of my word.

My dog Bling Bling ended up having puppies as soon as I got back from the Bay Area. Another teenage mother, how sad. What can I say, the little slut takes after me I guess. She had four puppies. They look like little hamster rats. I call them the Rat Pack, because yes, I am just that clever. Is it sad, that out of instict, when the babies came out I was saying "I hope they don't look like me." That would be hard to explain to the girlfriend. "But baby, I was drunk one night and lonely. She kept sniffing me. One thing led to another. Apparently what happens in Vegas DOESN'T stay in Vegas."

Thursday I did a show and a lady was there to watch me perform. I was a little nervous, being that it was my first time performing as a topless showgirl. But being the performer that I am, I pulled it off to rave reviews. My boobs had the perfect jiggle that night.

Actually it was a comedy show, which made my showgirl performance a little awkward. The lady was a producer who was scouting Latino comedians for Fox DVDs. She was impressed and said she really liked me. So hopefully that will lead to some work and MONEY, which I need desperately. The donkey shows just don't pay like they used to.

Next week I have an audition for this new sketch comedy tv show on SiTV. The producer saw me perform already, so he liked me and wanted me to come in. Hopefully I do well. I have to develop three characters and do a minute each for the characters. I'm a little nervous because I don't know how well I would do with sketch comedy. I did a sketch comedy show in college, but this is professional. I just hope I do well and get a chance to be on a tv show. It would really be great and a huge career boost. Being that I have no career now, any gig is considered a career boost.

Besides that, not much else is going on. I didn't get the anti-smoking commercial I auditioned for a couple of weeks ago. I thought I had a great chance at it, because I was funny in the audition. I guess asking "Does anti-smoking mean just anti-cigarettes or anti-marijuana too?" wasn't the best idea. Oh well, live and learn.

Spanish as a Second Language

2005-06-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

Well, it's finally happened. I have been turned down from an audition by a casting director because I am not fluent in Spanish. I knew this day would come, but to finally have it come is depressing and pisses me off.

Why does Hollywood think that if there is a Latino character in a production, they have to speak Spanish. Why can't there just be a regular Latino character who speaks English. Hollywood doesn't get reality and the fact that there are a lot of Latinos out there who are regular everyday people like White and Black people. We don't all go around speaking Spanish everywhere, we're not mostly the stereotypical immigrants and cholos. Why does every normal role where a person plays a school teacher, or a lawyer or a college student have to be a white or black actor? Latinos can play more than just the stupid stereotype character roles.

So I'm already limited by the number of roles that are out there for Latinos, which is very little. It shrinks even more when the roles that ARE for Latinos require you to speak fluent Spanish. Add to the fact that a lot of Latino roles are for fast food commercials, which don't want overweight actors, and I'm screwed. McDonalds had no trouble helping me get big, but now they want to turn their backs on me, bastards. Don't let me catch Ronald McDonald in an alley somewhere. I'd go "Cholo" on him. Then maybe I could get a cholo gig.

So I've decided to sell out and really try to learn Spanish. I now watch two hours of Spanish TV every day. I watch this show called "Laura" which is like a Spanish version of Jerry Springer, except they actually show the fighting. So far, it seems like every show is about a guy who has been cheating and they have a security guard holding him in a chair and every girl they bring out goes and beats on him, but the guy can't do anything because he's being held down. It's pretty messed up. I wish someone would beat up on Laura, now that would be funny.

After Laura I watch this show called "al Rojo Vivo" which is like Entertainment Tonight. The host is HOT. I don't know what the majority of the things they say mean, but I don't mind cuz I can watch the women on the show all day. Watching will hopefully help me be able to mimic a Spanish accent, and it for sure helps con mi ereccion ;) shwing!

So this post was my therapy. I needed to vent my frustrations. This past month I did have my first audition from my agent. It was for a FOX promo for a new show that is like American Idol but for dancing. They wanted bad dancers to look stupid on the promo. I did some of my worst dancing and didn't get the gig, so I will take that as a compliment. I guess I'm just too good of a dancer. And props to my homeboy Kiyo, who I stole a move from called the Pepper Grinder. Basically you pretend to be using a pepper grinder. I did some other stuff but will post about it later, because I think that if I tell people I end up jinxing myself.

So thanks for reading, sorry it wasn't funny, but sometime a guy has to vent.

April Partying

2005-05-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

Well I know it's been almost a month since I've last posted. I've been doing a lot of traveling this month with my homeboy who just got back from Iraq. We spent the first weekend going out to clubs in LA and Pasadena. We went to this club called Cinespace or something like that on Hollywood Blvd. It cost $10 to get in, so we were like cool, we can handle that. Then we ordered 2 SoCo's, that's Southern Comforts. The bartender said $20! I told her we just wanted two drinks, not the whole bottle. So we paid the money and cried into our watered down SoCo's. The club was ok, but it was very "Hollywood". I don't really like Hollywood clubs, because people go there more to be seen then to have fun. I miss Texas clubs, because in the South people go to clubs to have fun. It'll be 110 degrees in the club, everyone is drenched in sweat, and nobody cares because the music is hype and everyone is having fun dancing. It's not about who has the best clothes or the best car or who is famous and not famous. It's about who has the most teeth and can play the banjo the best. Look at me making fun of my roots with stupid southern stereotypes. I'm so LA now. The next night we went to this club called Q's in Pasadena. Here's what sucks about going out with a black friend, they grab onto the first fat white chick they see and dance with them all night. So my homeboy is dancing with the same girl all night, and it's very hard to look cool dancing by yourself next to them. I learned not to wear black to the clubs anymore, because people start mistaking me for a bouncer. And it doesn't help when I start kicking people out of the club and acting like an asshole, because I'm pretending to be a bouncer, and we all know that most bouncers are assholes on power trips. The next night we met up with one of my homegirls at a bar called Yardhouse in Pasadena. There was some party there for one of her sorority sisters. So me and Kiyo (my homeboy) went and sat at a table with some strangers. It was a couple of frat guys and some other sororiety people. The sororiety girls pretty much ignored me and Kiyo because we weren't in a frat, and therefore, obviously had nothing interesting to say. We attempted to make small talk, and they bragged about being a bank manager or something. What was funny was that they didn't ask us anything about ourselves. I started getting bored and when I get bored I make fun of people. Well some people got offended and now I'm the rude dick who will never get any sororiety friends now. I'm on their banned list or something. Now what will I do when I need to listen to egocentric, boring people talk about themselves? Oh wait, I live in LA, I guess I won't have that problem.The next week we went up to Sacramento to kick it at UC Davis, where Kiyo graduated from. That week is kind of a blur because all people do is drink up there, so when in Rome... drink till your liver dies. It was their annual picnic day, so people start drinking at 6 AM. When we got there at 11 AM, people were already drunk. Wanting to fit in and look cool, I got buzzed by 1 PM. It 's weird walking around buzzed during the afternoon. I now know what it's like to live like a celebrity. I even went to a frat party up there, which I would usually never do, because I don't mesh with frats too well, ya know, being an individual and all.The next weekend we went to San Diego. My other homeboy from high school, is stationed there in the Navy. If you ever want to feel like a loser, go out with military guys and introduce yourself. Kiyo is like I'm in the Army, just got back from Baghdad. Ed, my other homeboy, is like I'm in the Navy, just got back from the Persian Gulf. I'm like, I'm in the Neighborhood Watch. Just got back from East LA.The first night we went to a house party for one of Ed's friend's birthdays. A bunch of high school people showed up and I felt really old. I felt like a chaperone. I didn't know who to talk to, the people at the party or the parents who were there. The next night we went to a club in Tijuana. Stayed till 5 AM. It was crazy. It was like a southern club. Everyone was sweaty and going crazy, but it was fun. I did my first mosh pit thing, almost got tripped. I got pushed really hard and had to refrain from kicking that girl's ass. After getting back, we drove straight back from San Diego to LA. Ever want to hate life and feel miserable? Party all night and morning and then drive for a few hours. So Kiyo left earlier this week back to Texas. I had a lot of fun, but it's time for some recuperating. On Wed., I had to drive to SF for an audition on Thursday and then drive back Thursday afternoon. It's for a film called the Gridiron Gang with The Rock and Xzibit (from Pimp My Ride). Hopefully I get something in the film. It's a football movie about kids at a Juvenile Deliquent Center. The only thing that worries me about not getting it is that they want us to look 17 years old, and I don't know if I could pull that off. I have a baby face though, so hopefully it worked. The casting director seemed impressed and said I was really prepared and did really well. She even gave me a hug cuz my reading was very touching at the end. So who knows, hopefully I get something, because I need some work and money. If I don't get something soon, I'm going to have to get a job, and that would suck. I know this was a long blog, but it's a month worth of stuff. If you read this far, congratulations. You really need to get a life though ;) jk.

So Bored

2005-04-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

What's up peoples? I am soo bored right now. I really need to get a hobby, but I'm too lazy to go do anything. It sucks being broke, because it really limits my options for doing things. It's a sad life when the only thing to look forward to is checking the mail.

I finally have health insurance. Woohoo. When I left my job to move to LA, I lost my health insurance and so I've been risking it the last three months. I finally got health insurance through SAG (Screen Actors Guild). So I got to pay an extra $195 premium which put a nice little dent in the pocketbook. I know pocketbook is an old term to use and is probably feminine too, but I just got done watching a 2 hour E! True Hollywood Story of the Brady Bunch. So I blame them. It was actually pretty interesting and sad at the same time. I feel sorry for kid actors and sitcom actors who get typecast for a role and can never break out of it. Of course, when your an actor, it's hard to turn down a role when starting out or when it's for a big show, so it's a catch-22. I know I've been lucky to escape my past and not be typecast. For awhile, I was worried that I wouldn't be taken seriously as an actor. I thought people would classify me as only a pretty face from the years I spent as a Plus Size Male Model, working the prestigous Texas Community College Circuit. I'm sure that's what most of you guys remember me from. Well it took a lot of work to shake that image, but I think I finally did it.

I was doing an interview this week, well actually I was just talking to myself. I asked myself being a latino comedian, who would I compare myself to? I've always been compared to a young Ellen Degeneres.

Getting Representation

2005-03-28T19:24:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. I have been doing some meetings, so I've held off on posting something till I knew what was happening for sure. This month I've been working on getting some representation.

I met with a manager named Ross Brown. The only reason he met with me is because he's talking to my roommate and one day he called the apartment and I answered and he ended up asking me what I did and eventually asked me to send him my headshot and resume. About a week later he called and set up an appointment for me to go in and read for him.

So I went in and did 3 cold-readings. It's pretty safe to say he was unimpressed. Basically, I was told that he doesn't think I'm "there" yet to where I need a manager. I agree with this, because I personally don't think you need a manager until you have an actual career to manage. Otherwise, you're giving away an extra 15% that you could have kept yourself. However, I hadn't gotten any calls from any agents yet, so I figured if you wanted to represent me, it'd be better than nothing, plus he could help refer me to an agent. So besides telling me that I didn't do a good read, because I wasn't bold enough in my reading, he said that I needed to lose weight because I would only get certain parts being my size. Personally I thought the read was decent, not fantastic, but decent for the parts I was reading for. I haven't done theatrical acting in quite awhile, so I know I'm rusty, and could use some acting classes to get back to par. As far as the weight thing, I've lost about 50 pounds this past year, so I'm definitely going towards losing weight, but being big right now seems to have worked out as far as getting commercials, so I think it might help being big as I start out.

So I got the typical, I'll think about it and give you a call. Have I received a call? No. Oh well, since I didn't submit to him on my own, I see it as nothing gained, nothing lost. At least I do as I cry in my pillow at night screaming for Ross Brown to call me.

Later that week I met with my first agency, Commercial Talent. I was referred to this agency by a friend of mine who also is represented by them. I met with one of the partners, Sheila, and did a good read for them. The next Tuesday they called and told me they like to sign me. On Wednesday, however, I had a meeting with the Jana Luker Agency, who I was referred to by my comedy coach, Barb North. After meeting with Kathy Keeley, I decided to sign with them over Commercial Talent, because they seem like a smaller agency, so I'd get more attention, plus they have a Theatrical branch that I'd like to sign with eventually. Right now I'm just signed through their commercial side.

So I now have commercial representation through the Jana Luker Agency. I'm happy with myself, because it only took 3 months to get an agent, which is a lot sooner than lots of people take to get agents in LA. Once pilot season is over, I hope to land Theatrical representation, so that I can be sent out on TV show and Film auditions, instead of just commercials.

Besides that, I also have new color headshots. Woohoo. For some reason, Black and White headshots are out of style in LA and so I don't want to see like a newcomer with my Black and Whites.

Comedy wise, I've performed at least once every week in March. I did a show that is filmed for Sprint, AT&T, and T-Mobile phones. They play one minute clips of comedy every day on their web-phones. Hopefully they buy some of my jokes so that I can have some kind of income rolling in. Sadly, the only money I've made this year is through gambling and turning tricks on Sunset. Apparently, people my size ARE in demand, so take that Ross Brown.

I also did a show for Premiere Radio. So be sure to check out www.premrad.com under their comedy link. Hopefully they'll have some of my bits on their sometime in the future.

Next month I'm taking off from comedy and will be doing some traveling with my homeboy who just got back from Iraq. He was in Iraq for the last 8 months. I told him to be careful on which Carnival Cruise he selected, but no, he had to take the one that was the cheapest, and look at his luck, he gets stuck in Iraq on a cruise for 8 months. Naw, I was attempting a joke there, but I'm too lazy to be creative and funny. He was there in the military.

So that's my life this past few weeks. I got an agent, was turned down by a manager, and got some pretty new pictures taken of me. I was worried at first when the photographer asked me to take my top off, but he assured me that it would be tasteful, so I agreed.

Going back to class

2005-02-17T15:34:00.000-08:00

I was sitting around doing nothing, so I thought I'd write a new post. Some things have happened since my last post. I finally set up a meeting with a talent agency. It's a pretty big commercial agency and I'm meeting with one of the main partners. The only bad thing is that the earliest they could schedule me is for March 17. So a whole month I have to wait. That sucks because I'd like to get an agent as soon as possible, so that I can start going on auditions.

Comedy wise, I met with Steve North, who is a comedy coach. He and his wife are also comedy managers. Really nice people and I'm not just kissing ass because I want them to eventually manage me... ;) ;) ;) I had a private coaching lesson with him, and in that one hour I learned so much. I finally learned what my character is. Do you guys want to know what my onstage character is? Well too bad bitches!! Get your own character. Ok, sorry about that little outburst. Being a housewife, I've started getting PMS. This tampon I've stuck up in me is very uncomfortable, so it makes me moody.

But back to my character. I'm basically a good guy who minds his own business and ends up as a victim of circumstance. For example, I'm minding my own business on AIM and a gangsta hits me up. Instead of ignoring the IM, I go along with it and end up becoming in a cyber gang, etc. I become a victim of circumstance and I go along with it. I had never really thought about this being my character but once I heard it, I realized it was perfect. Now I can focus my act and bits towards my character and become a better comedian. Yay!

So I also was put into his advance comedy workshops. My first class is tonight in a couple of hours. I'm excited and nervous. A couple of other comedians who I think are terrific are in this class, so I'm excited to be able to work with them, but I'm nervous because I am working with some really great comedians, so I hope I can hold my own.

It's weird that I graduated from college but am still taking classes. Of course, unlike college, I'm making sure I go to class and actually learn. Before I would only go to class in order to talk to girls. And being rejected by the end of the first class, there would be no reason for me to continue going to classes, so I stayed in my dorm and learned about voodoo. Now those girls are walking around with horns coming out of their backs, all due to me and my inability to accept rejection...heheheheehe...where's my medication....

Besides that, I found out that I'm completely broke. They money I set aside each month basically goes all towards my bills. So I need to make some side money. If any of you want to meet me, I'll be turning tricks on Sunset.

Speaking of which, I saw some hookers on Sunset the other day for the first time. It was in the middle of the day too. I wasn't sure if they were on duty or not since it wasn't night time. They looked pretty nasty too. I should have just kept that $20...

It's raining outside AGAIN. Goddammit, how much does it rain in LA? This is suppose to be the perfect weather. If I wanted bad weather, I would have stayed in SF. Mother nature better get her shit together. Well maybe the slick roads will cause the assholes across the street who keep revving their cars and speeding around the block thinking they are cool to finally crash their cars. I know that that was a mean thing to say and I shouldn't think like that. It's even worse that I realize I shouldn't say things like that, yet I still want them to crash their cars. I've turned into an old person. I get mad when people make a lot of noise at night. I'm like, shut the hell up, don't you know it's late... it's 6 PM!!!

Hello Los Angeles

2005-02-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

Well I know it's been awhile since I've written a post and that's because not a damn thing has really happened to write about. I moved down to LA on January 7th and it was the worst experience of my life.

First, I had to rent a truck a bigger truck than I'm used to and a car carrier. It rained the entire time I had to pack the truck and the entire drive down to LA. And of course, it was the weekend when LA was flooding due to all the rain. So I'm trying to drive a huge truck with a car trailer through mountains while it's storming. I've never had so much stress in my life. And when I stress out, I tend to fall asleep, so driving while sleeping didn't help the situation out much at all.

So after loading, driving, and unloading in the rain, I finally moved into my new apartment with my homeboy Chris. I've known Chris for about 4 years now. We met in college and did a tv show together. He's also trying to make it as an actor. He's one of my best friends and he gives the best back massages. He really knows how to use his hands with that oil... oh wait, I must sound really gay right now. Well let me rephrase what I said, he gives ok back massages depending on how much he uses his tongue... dammit.

But all kidding aside, hahaha...sigh... the place is great, a lot bigger than my last place. People always ask where in LA we are, and honestly I don't know how to describe where we are. We are in LA. We don't live in Chinatown or Koreatown or Mexicantown (aka most of LA). We live near all of that though. We are inbetween Koreatown and Hollywood. We're a few miles from Beverly Hills and a few miles from Hollywood and Koreatown and Downtown. We live right off of Melrose and the 101, so everything is close by. If you go down a couple of blocks and you'll be in the latin area, go the other way and you'll be in thai area and korea area. So we're in the mix of everything.

So this past month I haven't done much unfortunately. I was sick most of January so I haven't been able to perform. I've been contacting people and trying to line stuff up, but nothing has happened yet. I've sent off a few packages to agents and a comedy manager I've talked to. Hopefully someone signs me soon. A guy I've worked with before is setting up a meeting with his agent for me, so hopefully I'm back to auditioning soon.

Besides that, my life is pretty boring. I live like a retired person. I wake up late, go to sleep late. Sit around and watch tv, play videogames, check email. The highlight of the day is going downstairs to check the mail. I run any errands I might have. I try to do something once a day, otherwise there's little hope of me putting any clothes on. With an empty day everyday, you try to find things to entertain you. I never realized how much masterbation one could get done in one day. 10 times in a day. It was a great 10 mintues that day.

Some of you probably are like why don't you get a job. Well that's a good question. My response to that is why don't you mind your own freakin business. Naw, actually I'm living off the money I saved up from doing commercials last year (THANK YOU SPRINT). So I'm good for most of the year. If I don't get any work by the summer then I'll look into getting a part time job. But for now I want to try and make it as a full-time comedian and actor. The hard part is getting representation.

So I live a pretty boring life right now, though it's better than working everyday (HAHA WORK IS FOR SUCKERS). I'm trying to make some friends, but it's hard when your a shut-in. I've gotten more brave and have ventured out into the area. Before I wouldn't go out of my 5 mile safety zone, but now it's up to 6 miles (GO ME).

I've been to a few clubs. I went to club XES (that's SEX spelled backwards, how clever). Let's see, parking was $20 and the club was $20, plus drinks. So yeah, I can go out once ever 3 months at that rate. Apparently, nobody in LA goes out to a club unless they're on a guestlist. So I got to feel like a real loser being the first one in line and then when they asked me and Chris what guestlist we were on, we were like uh, none, we're just here. Then we tried to explain why we weren't on a guestlist cuz we were new to the area and so we really weren't losers, we just didn't have any friends. The lady took pity on us and let us in. The club was great. I look forward to saving up money and going back in June :(

Well I will keep my posts going since I have nothing else to do. I'll keep you guys posted on my adventures in LA. Hopefully I'm able to keep posting, but if another damn person honks at me, I may be in prison for a few years. I think that all cars in LA should have their horns taken out. People use them way too much. There should be a law that makes it to where if someone uses their horn, the other people around them are allowed to walk up and bitch slap them. It would make the day much more pleasant.

2005 Resolutions

2005-01-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

Here are my new year's resolutions for 2005. Some are for real and some aren't. Only I will know what is what.

1. Sign with a talent agency in Los Angeles.

2. Lose 80 lbs.

3. Be successful in acting and comedy, not having to get an extra job.

4. Make 10 new friends in LA.

5. Appear in a television show or movie.

6. Discover the cure for Cancer or at least cure my athlete's foot.

7. See what all the fuss over fake breasts is about.

8. Run a mile in 8 minutes.

9. Work out at least 4 times per week.

10. Start using 2 ply toilet paper.

11. Don't pick nose in public and then flick it at people I don't know.

12. Don't laugh at people when they trip and fall.

13. Stop watching so much porno... or at least before 9 AM.

14. Start waking up after 9 AM.

15. And finally... Enjoy my first year in La La Land!

Chico State

2004-12-18T13:40:00.000-08:00

So I know I haven't posted in awhile, but that's because not much has happened lately. I did a show Dec. 3rd at Chico State which was a lot of fun. But the drive was lonnnnng. I left my place around 2PM and arrived in San Francisco to pick up my homeboy Evan who was going to roll with me to my show. He lives in Vallejo and to get to work everyday he does a carpool thing where people stand by signs depending on what city they want to go to. For example, there is a stop in Vallejo where people pick up random people in order to use the carpool lane to go to San Francisco. So since it was about 3pm traffic was going to be horrible going through Berekely and San Francisco. And you need 3 people to carpool so we went to the stop in order to pick up another person.

This was crazy to me to see people getting into strangers cars. It seems dangerous because what if you got a psycho who robbed you. It's also ego-bruising because people will look at you and not get in your car. Usually I'd be insulted, but considering that it was me and Evan, a big mexican guy and a black guy, I wouldn't have gotten in our car either. Fortunately, this old filipino lady got into my car and we headed off. I guess she had nothing to lose. And since she lives in Vallejo, I can understand. For those of you who don't know about Vallejo, it's a ghetto city pretty much. I performed there twice. Once at a low rider car show, which should tell you about the city, and the second time was at this bar trying to have a comedy competition. They made me go up first in front of an audience of 2 people. It was the only time I've ever said, "Fuck you, I know I'm funny" and walked off stage.

It was a little awkward in the car, because I wasn't sure if I was suppose to talk to her and make small talk- which I hate doing. Luckily, Evan said that people didn't talk and he was right because the lady fell asleep next to me. It was kind of cool, though I don't know how people can do it because it seems like it's dangerous, especially if you're a female or a midget. But I like how people evenly use each other. I need you to drive me and you need me to drive faster through traffic. Perfect.

The show was really good. I did 30 minutes and then the other comedian did 30 minutes. Afterwards, me and Evan headed out to different bars and had every drink special offered. Chico is a place that is out in the cuts with nothing to do but drink and go to bars. Chico State has a reputation as one of the top party schools in the country, and they live up to it I must say.

So the plan was for us to find someone who saw the show and was so enamored with us that they would let us sleep on their couch or floor so that we didn't have to drive the 5 hours back at 3 am. Evan and I are charming guys, this should be no problem right.

So it's 3 am and we're driving home. Around 4:30 AM, I realize that the shoulder of the highway is not an appropriate driving lane, so I pull over to a Chevron and fall asleep. Evan had fallen asleep already around 3:03 AM. Fortunately for us, it was about 40 degrees outside and so it was the most miserable 3 hours of sleep I've ever gotten. I tried to snuggle with Evan, but he was having no part of that. So finally I wake up and drive the rest of the way home.

Next time I will not be a cheap bastard and just get a hotel room.

So that was my last performance. I have gone into a mini-retirement until I move down to Los Angeles which will happen on Jan. 7th. I'm finally making the big move. I'm excited. I'm going to be living with my homeboy Chris who is also an actor and we got a pretty tight pad in the outside part of Korea Town, but the nice part of Korea Town. The apartment is tight and new. So I can't wait to move down and try to make it big on a bigger stage. I'll talk more about LA later and how people hate actors down there :(

2004-11-15T13:53:00.000-08:00

A picture of Robert

2004-11-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

In the Sprint Commercial

2004-11-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

In the Star Wars: Battlefront Video Game Commercial

Halloween

2004-11-15T13:38:00.000-08:00

So I finally figured out how to post pictures on this thing. Unfortunately I haven't figured out how to post pictures into my past blogs yet, so I'm just posting all of my pictures as new blogs and if you read the older blogs then you can figure out what corresponds to what. To start it off I am including my picture from this past halloween. I went as a prison bitch... and man is my booty hole sore...

For Halloween I went as the Official Prison Bitch...enjoy!

Modesto Molested

2004-11-11T19:48:00.000-08:00

this post is a lil long, but the funny stuff is towards the second half...

Well, this past weekend I did three shows. 2 shows at Modesto's Fat Cat club and 1 show at CSU Stanislaus. All three shows went great. After the Las Vegas Comedy Festival back in mid October, I had stopped performing for awhile, because it left a bad taste in my mouth (or it could have been the pennies I was licking) and I was questioning how much I enjoyed comedy. I already had these dates booked since early in the summer so I was committed to doing the shows. After not performing for the last few weeks I was nervous about having to do 30 minute shows. Fortunately, the crowd at Modesto rocked and I had some of the best shows I've ever done. It rejuvinated (I don't know if that's how you spell it or if it's even a word, but anyways) my love for comedy. I even got sexually molested at Fat Cat on Friday night, which is always a plus. After my show on Friday night, I had to go to CSU Stanislaus and do a show there. I was worried when I got there because there were only about 40 people in the place, which was a gameroom on campus. The guy in charge told me that it was a program for Alcohol Alternative, which means that it's a night where people can go do something without alcohol involved... not my idea of fun. When doing comedy, it is not ideal to have a sober crowd. I didn't know ahead of time that it was an Alcohol Alternative Program, so I quietly took off my beer can hat and put away the keg I was hauling around on a dolly. Plus he said that the crowd would probably be more on the conservative side. Great, there goes my butt raping material. I was expecting to do 20 minutes or so, but he wanted me to do 40 min to an hour. This would usually be great because I rarely get the chance to do a headliner set, but I wasn't too sure with this crowd. To do that much time I'd have to do about all my material...welcome back butt raping jokes!! I ended up doing a solid 45 minutes and the show actually went really well. They weren't shy to laugh and they laughed at most of what I said and I got away with my "risque" jokes that I wasn't sure they would like, surprisingly CSU Stanislaus digs Tijuana Transvestite Prostitutes. But it was a cool night and I can't imagine how much better it would have been with some alcohol. So after the show all the students pretty much walked out back to their dorms and occasionally one student would look over at me and give me a smile of sympathy since nobody was talking to me. Hmm, maybe they didn't like me too much after all. I was hoping to party at the school afterwards, but this was obviously not the right crowd for that. I considered chasing people with a bottle of tequila to see if they would squeel and run away towards church or something, but why waste tequila. So I went back to the Fat Cat because they turn into a regular club after the comedy show. This is when I got molested.

I had just stepped to the side of the dance floor and this really fat short girl turned around on her drunken chubby ankles and starred at me. Being the polite person I am, I danced side to side to humor her while I looked around for a Snickers bar to throw across the room in order to distract her. Unfortunately, I had already eaten my supply of Snicker bars that I keep on me for emergencies, damn chocolately Snicker goodness. So she starts trying to get me to freak her and grinds on me. My penis actually went up inside of me like it was trying to run away and hide. I had no idea that my penis could do this. Then she turned around and tried to put her arms around me releasing the horrible BO from her armpits and body crevices. I threw up a little bit and kept backing away. For some reason, she was trying to look me in my eyes and act sexy. I started feeling a little sorry for her, because she was delirious. Then she actually told me that I was so shy. She was misinterpretting my revulsion for shyness. Then she made a come hither motion so I thought she wanted to tell me a secret like "I am the daughter of the Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters." Like a sucker, I put my head down so she can talk to me, and she licks my ear. Shocked, I start puking like the Exorcist. Before I can react fast enough, she then grabs my crotch. I was stunned. I've never been sexually assaulted before. So I was like, WHOA, and I went back to my hotel...and I fucked her. OK, so I'm not bragging and I'm not saying it's a high point in my sexual career. I'm just saying I took one for the team. I just need to get a team now.... :( But I did it for the other guys at the club, because I took her out of there so that there wouldn't be any more victims! I'm a hero dammit! (cut to me crying at the bottom of my shower with a bottle of pills tempting me by my side.)

Ok, so I didn't really have sex with her. I just thought it'd be funny to add that twist. But everything else did happen unfortunately. Now that I've been molested at a club, I don't want to hear girls complaining and crying about it when a guy grabs her ass or something. If I can live through it, then so can you. So next time I grab your ass, you better say thank you! ;) hehe

Election

2004-11-03T10:52:00.000-08:00

Well the election is finally over. Bush was re-elected ... (sigh)... (SIGH)... Hopefully his next four years will be a lot better and smarter than his last four years. I hope he starts by taking his head out of the sand and realizing that the war in Iraq is a waste of soldiers and brings them back. Since my best friend is there, the war has a more personal effect on me, as opposed to those lucky ones who don't have any friends or relatives in Iraq.

Now that Republicans run both Congress and the Presidency, I have a huge fear of what may happen: federal bans against gay marriage, abortion, and stem cell research, more destruction to the environment, more rushing into war, and more isolation from the rest of the world. I can only hope that the tight election opens Bush's eyes and his advisors realize that the United States is very divided right now and they need to stop being stubborn and change their "We are right and who cares what other say" attitude and approach.

The Democrats need to get it together. Picking Kerry to run was a huge mistake. He wasn't strong enough of a candidate to oust an incumbent President. Whoever ran his campaign failed miserably and made too many mistakes. Kerry continuously kept coming off as fake in his attempts to woo conservative voters. The hunting trip was too obvious and nobody bought it.

Well this is my attempt to blow off some steam and get out how I feel about the election. Hopefully nobody reads this boring post. It's just a personal outlet for me. It just blows my mind that so many people like Bush and support him. Maybe I'm missing something and not seeing what they see. It is so obvious that Bush is a bad president that I can figure out why others can't see that. I'm from Texas and I just want to scream at the conservative southerns to wake up.

But if you did read this, I'll be featuring this Friday and Saturday at the Fat Cat in Modesto, CA. Come check it out. More info at www.fatcatmodesto.com and www.stanfordcomic.com.

Las Vegas Comedy Festival

2004-10-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I know I said I would talk about the Las Vegas Comedy Festival that I went to from the 13th to 17th as soon as I got home. I held off on talking about it, because I didn't want to come across as too negative.

Overall, the trip was probably a waste of time... hmm, so much for avoiding the negativity. I did the Laugh Across America competition/ Las Vegas Comedy Festival for a few reasons:
1. To get seen by industry professionals
2. To perform alot
3. To audition for the Letterman Show and Boston Comedy Festival
4. To win the competition
5. To do a morning radio show
6. It was a free all expense paid 5 day trip to Vegas

Well I got 1 out of those 6 things. My competition finals tooks place on Thursday at 3:30 in the middle of the afternoon. The industry people, i.e. managers, agents, bookers, talent scouts, etc didn't show up until the later shows on Thursday and then the Friday and Saturday shows. Nobody was at my show. There was barely any audience members at all, so getting audience momentum was impossible.

So nobody got to see me perform. I was going to audition to compete in the Wild Card competition, because the top 3 finalists of that got to perform in the final Best of the Fest show. They didn't let me compete in this competition since I was already in the Mainstream competition. This sucked alot because everyone in both the Wild Card and Royal Flush Wildcard (which was suppose to be "headliners") all SUCKED. They were HORRIBLE. It was like watching a bad open mike. Now the only way to get into the big Best of the Fest show was to win the Mainstream category... which I didn't. I don't want to say that I should have won, because that would make me seem like a sore, bitter loser, so I won't say anything but that I lost and the guy who won was a decent comic...

So now I don't get to perform in front of industry people, I only get to perform once, besides a rehearsal show, and I didn't win. Well what about the Letterman and Boston Festival auditions. Well you had to be selected to audition for those and the way you were selected was from your performance. Of course nobody came to my performance so I wasn't selected to audition for anything.

The morning show would have been fun to do, but like everything else, it was cancelled.

The festival was decent but could have been a lot better. Things weren't planned out too well and changed last minute a lot. The audiences were very small and the talent wasn't very good in the shows, which probably led to a small audience turnout.

I tried to go see a lot of comedy shows, but I was even worn out by the consistently bad performances and stopped going. And I got into the shows FREE, imagine people paying $10 to see bad shows.

I would have liked to have been seen by industry people more than I wanted to actually win the competition. I knew I wouldn't win the competition, because I never win competitions. I always get robbed in the end and that's part of show-business I guess, to get screwed.

The morning radio show I wish worked out. The communication was pretty bad because I wasn't sure if it was happening or not. I woke up at 7 AM and went to the lobby to see if I was going, but at 8 AM I figured out that I was wasting my time and went back to sleep.

Some of the seminars I went to were entertaining and somewhat informative. There were some bigwigs there and old time comedians who people who were born before the 60's probably heard of. Milton Berle's (sp?) wife was at the final banquet. She made a few remarks regarding the legend of her late husband's penis size which were funny, if not disturbing. Ed McMahon was there to accept an award as well as some other C to B list actors/ comics. Perhaps the funniest person at the festival and the guy who hosted the awards ceremony was this comic named Andy something who is a regular on Everybody Loves Raymond as one of Ray's friends. He was hilarious and hopefully someday I'll find out his name. I could probably look it up online, but who has that kind of energy...

The main thing that came out of the festival was that I realized I want to be more of an actor than a comedian. I don't want to go through 10 years of obscurity playing small rooms all over the country before becoming a headliner. Right now, I don't have that kind of passion for comedy that other comedians have. I don't want to drive 10 hours in order to feature at a club for $100. My dream is to be an actor and that's what I started out as. I got into comedy in order to get more stage time since I wasn't getting good acting gigs. It just happened that I have a gift at comedy, so my comedy took off more than my acting did and I became more of a comedian than an actor.

But with all these commercials I've gotten lately, I realize that my true passion is in acting. I'm using comedy as a way to break into acting and to give me an extra edge over other actors. Don't get me wrong, I love comedy and plan on continuing to perform, however, acting is my top priority. I spent the last few years wondering if I wanted to focus on acting or comedy, in case I couldn't do both because of work. For example, do I want a day job, where I have nights off to do comedy or do I want a night job where I have days off to do acting auditions. Luckily when I move to LA I won't have to have a job so I can do both, but if I do have to get a job, I now know that I would want to focus on acting over comedy.

Unfortunately I don't have the passion or patience to go on the road for years and work and work and work and get maybe a gig or two on tv before I start getting booked as a headliner. I would rather focus on acting and continue comedy on the side and after making it as an actor then I can headline because people will know my name and want to come out to see me perform. And when it comes to comedy headlining, it's all about who's funny AND who can fill the seats.

I'm doing a lot of rambling because I'm trying to figure things out and I feel like I finally made a choice and big revelation. Of course it could change in two months knowing me. But for now, I'm an actor first and comedian second.

Commercials Playing Online

2004-10-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

Great news, I just found out that I didn't get cut out of the Star Wars Battlefront commercial afterall. I got an email today from one of the other actors who was in the commercial telling me that I was in it and it's playing online. This was good news because I was bitter when I thought I had been cut out. I regret all the threatening letters I sent George Lucas and I will return the Ewok I took hostage as soon as I can. It seems like other people have seen it, and it's played all over the world. So that will be money I didn't expect to get. Which is good because this Wednesday I will be leaving for Vegas to perform in the Las Vegas Comedy Festival and compete in the finals of the Laugh Across America competition. So I'll need some extra dough to donate to the Golden Nugget Casino.

The commercial is pretty cool. It has the booming dramatic voice at the beginning and everything. My scene is of me running after another character from the movie in the snow, saying "Dude, hold up." I'm dressed up to look like a nerd, and they even made me talk like a nerd. I have no idea what scene I'm in or who I'm chasing because I don't know anything about Star Wars. I did check out the message boards on the website, however, and saw that people were talking about me. I'm going to paste some of the comments and respond to them on here, since I don't want to directly respond to them. I gotta keep some of that celebrity mistique ya know.

"It is the same trailer only difference is that they showed 3 nerds." - this guy is calling us nerds. doesn't he get that we're actors. isn't it funny how a guy who is writing on a star wars videogame message board is calling me a nerd.

"lol i thought it was pretty good... " - this was from a guy who goes by OldMan.exe, I guess I'm popular with the old geezers out there.

"i liked it when the guy said "duude hol' dup" - your a cool guy. we should hang out sometime. we can do calculus or whatever it is you like to do for fun.

"I guess, but if you look closer you can see that the guy has a droid blaster instead of a Rebel weapon " - this was the best post. this guy is the king of nerds and probably of virgins too. i can't believe he magnified the shot so much that he could see the kind of gun i was holding. i feel sorry for his parents, i'm sure this wasn't what they were expecting when they had sex that one night.

"yeah I like to big guy who was like, "dude hold up, I'm out a shape because I haven't left my mother's basement!" or something on those lines. And the albino guy who really hasn't had sun in a while. " - i can't believed i just got dissed by a star wars geek. it's pretty clever though, he must sit around and practice his disses when he's sitting around blowing up his blow up doll.

"The "dude hold up" was probaly the best part of it" - they even added a smiley face at the end. what a nice guy.

"the fat boy running in the ESB flash is bringing a Blaster Droid instead of a Blastech E-11.. " - this geek just called me fat. doesn't he know the camera adds 10 pounds. they were filming me with 3 cameras... ESB flash, Blaster Droid, Blastech E-11? This guy must of made his dad really proud growing up. His dad probably wanted a son who played sports, and ended up with an Erkel. I hope he gets severe handcramps and can never get online or play another video game...whaaaawhaaaawhaaaaa

now to see the star wars commercial, this is what you do:
go to www.starwarsbattlefront.com
Click on Navigate
Click on Gallery
Click on TV Spot

to see my Sprint commercial online, this is what you do:
go to www.sprintpcs.com
At the bottom of the screen, click on TV Commercials
I'm in the Peanuts commercial.

Enjoy people. I'll update after my Vegas trip and let you know how much I owe the casino, buffets, and hookers.

Hell Gig

2004-09-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

Well I just got back from what comics would refer to as a "Hell Gig". A hell gig is a gig where the cards are stacked against you and you pretty much expect to die on stage a terrible, miserable, lonely death.

So I will outline why this gig could be considered a hell gig.

1. It was a benefit show. This means that I have to do 30 minutes of clean material. When you're a club comic, this isn't so easy because you are used to being able to cuss and talk about sex and other naughty things, you know, really dirty stuff like my underwear. This was a benefit show for the Women's Cancer Initiative. "Women" pretty much means that I can't do sexist jokes either :(

2. It was an afternoon show. The show was not in a night club so you don't get that kind of feel that is needed to get people in a laughing mood. It's hard to do comedy in the middle of the afternoon, especially when your still hung over from the night before ;)

3. There were children there. This means that my already limited arsenol of material just got cut in half because now I can't do any adult humor. Cut to me performing trying to talk to children and be like Bill Cosby doing the "Kids say the funniest things" bit. Unfortunately, this bit failed horribly because the children were shy and didn't want to talk to me. I even made a baby cry, which may have been the highlight for me.

4. It's a cancer benefit. There's nothing better than following a cancer survivor talk about her fight with cancer and how her family deals with cancer. Here she is pouring her soul out and crying and then here I come out, "Hey everyone, who likes to masterbate? Yuka yuka yuka"

5. The audience is eating. I get to compete with people talking amongst their tables and the clanking of silverware. I'm using a podium sound system, so the back half of the room can't even hear me. I hit a punchline and look up to see people in the back posing for pictures with each other. Ouch.

6. Here's the big kicker. This is when I knew it would be a hell gig. Most of the audience speak Spanish as their first language. It's a Spanish benefit! I don't speak Spanish! What a great combination. I get to perform to blank stares from half the room. Originally they wanted Spanish speaking comedians, but they could only find one, and so they had to use me in the end. Therefore, most of the audience can only understand Spanish and limited English. It brought back flashbacks of me trying to talk to the workers at McDonalds in English, lots of blank stares.

So combine all of this and you get the gig I just got back from. Plus, the other comedian showed up after me, and he was suppose to be the opener and go first and warm up the crowd. So I had to perform for 30 minutes to a cold, non-English speaking crowd. Isn't show biz great!

It may have been a hell gig, but I learned alot from it. I learned that latinas look older than they actually are, so always ask their age before trying to pick them up. It's hard to play off talking to a 15 year old. I tried to apologize to her parents and explain to them that I thought she was 16 years old, I wouldn't have talked to a 15 year old, that's just inappropriate. HAHAHAHAHA.

But seriously, the people who did speak English and could hear me and paid attention did enjoy parts of my show, so that's good. The other comedian was a newer comedian and had never performed in Spanish before, so he was really nervous. But he kicked ass and actually got the entire room quiet so they could hear him. I have no idea what he said since I don't speak spanish, but people laughed so I assume he was funny.

The booker was also there and it was the first time I've ever worked for this booker. He was really cool and very supportive and positive. He is the kind of person who sees the glass as half full. This is rare in comedy, so it was great to meet a booker like that. I was expecting a 40 year old bitter white guy and he is this young latin guy, so that was a surprise. He's a good guy and I hope to work for him again, hopefully in front of some English speaking crowds.

So I did 25 minutes and the organizers kind of walked onto stage and told me that I could get off now because nobody was listening. So I walked off with my head down and grabbed a taco and left. (tears coming down) I thought I totally sucked (damn, i sound like a 15 year old white girl now, "totally sucked"), but people came up and said they really enjoyed my set. So that cheered me up. So Hell Gigs are horrible to go through but they are the best for learning from, building stage presence and a thick skin. If you can get through a hell gig successfully then the regular gigs aren't as hard. It's like having sex with an ugly fat chick. If you can get through it, then you'll be a lot better when you have sex with a pretty chick. HAHAHAHAAH

Can you hear me now...oh wait, wrong company

2004-09-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

I'm on fire right now. I just shot another national commercial for SPRINT! That's right, Sprint Baby! And I'm a principle. I hit the jack pot there. I shot it this past Saturday. I even had to go to SF for a wardrobe fitting earlier this week for the first time ever. A wardrobe fitting is where I basically tell them I need a bigger size cuz I'm a fat bastard who got carried away at the Desert Bar at the Circus Circus Casino Buffet in Reno the weekend before.

So for those counting, that's 4 commercials in a row that I've gotten. Three national commercials and one industrial, and that's just for this summer. So I'll have some nice change in my pocket for when I move to LA. I'll be able to afford the real women hookers on Sunset, not the fake ones named Jerome.

Yesterday was a great day of shooting. Our call time was at 6:30 AM! So I had to wake up at 4:30 after getting a nice 5 hours of sleep. The shoot was at 3Com Park, which is where the 49ers attempt to play football at. The stadium is easy to get to and I even shot a Pepsi Print Ad there before, so it should be no problem to get there. I, on the other hand, have to make things more difficult so I exit before the right exit in order to look for a place to get some food because I was early. Well that took me on a long voyage into the mountains where I finally found a 7-11. As I tried to make my way back, I got caught up in road construction, detours, and Frogger and barely made it there in time. But I made it.

As I arrived I was directed to the talent trailer. The talent trailer! Finally I have a trailer, as opposed to the Pepsi Print Ad where I was an extra and you sat in your car for comfort. So The talent trailer has 5 individual rooms, one for each principle. Somehow I got stuck with the bitch room. All the other principles had nice rooms with their own bathroom and a couch. I on the other hand got a room with a chair and no bathroom. I think it was a converted make-up room. Great, I get the retarded room when I have to seriously unload the tuna sandwich I had just gobbled down. So I make my way to the bathroom trailer and handle my business hoping nobody walks in and dies. Not having a bathroom may sound like no big deal, but when your an actor, you want exactly if not more, than what the other actors get. I was pissed that I didn't have a bathroom or couch and acted like I was going to call my agent, but I didn't want to look like a diva. Maybe it was because I was the youngest principle that I got stuck with the retarded room, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

So the first few hours I have to get into my wardrobe which consists of some shorts, a grey undershirt, a yellow t-shirt and a grey/black vest, spiffy I know. Then we had to go get hair and make-up. This was a big production because they had their own wardrobe people, a hair person, AND a make-up person, as opposed to one person who did it all. So that was nice. The crew were all really cool. They also had a breakfast bar for the crew and cast but I didn't want to risk it. After hair and make up, we went to the sound guy who put microphones on us.

Now I want to talk about the extras. I remember being an extra and I HATE being an extra. You feel like a scrub and envy the principles who get all the special treatment. So I made sure everyone saw me walk into my trailer, they didn't have to know it was a bitch room. These extras were different though. They knew that if they got on camera then they would get upgraded to principle. Therefore they crowded the principles and kept trying to stick their heads in front of us. It was very annoying. There were these two old asian ladies who kept crowding behind me trying to get in the shot, which would be impossible because me and the other guy were twice as big as them and covered them completely. I farted on them to try and get some space, but it didn't work, they were dedicated. Something that was funny was during lunch. If you are in the the union, then you got fed the catered meal which consisted of steak, shrimp, vegetable, avocado salad, lemon cake and some other stuff. The non-union extras got a sack lunch. HAHAHAHAHA. I would have felt sorry for them, but oh well, I went through the same thing, you have to work your way up. Plus they kept crowding me during the filming, so it's payback.

So the commercial is a football themed Sprint commercial. The Sprint Guy drives up and starts talking about how Sprint doesn't charge for overages anymore, etc. I should be in the commercial because I'm standing next to the Sprint Guy in the final shot which is suppose to be the funny line. We're standing around the grill and the Sprint guy tells the guy at the grill that he went over is bar b que minutes and the grill guy is holding this really burnt hot dog. We all look at the hot dog and start laughing. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, brilliant comedy... (sigh)
Well I'm standing between the Sprint Guy and the grill guy. So I should be in the commercial even if I don't say anything. The Sprint Guy was a pretty cool guy. He gets treated like a god, he had his own trailer and everything. And if I was a god, then that's what I would want, my own trailer. He has a good sense of humor. His real name is Brian, but lets face it, he's the Sprint Guy. I think he should fight the Verizon Guy at some point on pay per view, that would be exciting.

One last note about the director. Her name is Barbara Kopple and she's a big time Documentary filmmaker who has done such films such as "Harlan County, USA", "American Dream", and "Wild Man Blues". It was cool because I studied her in my documentary film class at Stanford. So before I left I went up to her and asked if she did documentaries and she said yes. I told her I studied her in my class and she asked which films. I began to awkwardly mumble while I acted like I was trying to remember the names. Luckily she volunteers the names of her biggest films, American Dream and Harlan County. I said yes, we watched American Dream in class and had to watch Harlan County on our own. Ooops. She says, "Oh you HAD to huh?" I say no, I don't mean it like that, please don't cut me out of the commercial, I love you." Well I don't know if she was pissed seriously or not, but I guess I'll see when the commercial comes out if I get cut out or not. Be on the look out for it.

The Star Wars Battlefront commercial is now playing. I don't know if I got cut out of it or not. I saw it once so far and it was a short commercial that only used clips from the videogame and none of the actors. So hopefully they play the other versions with the actors too so I can get paid.

Sorry this blog is so long, but I want to remember everything that happened for my own memories and I don't want to have to tell the story over and over to everyone who asks about it. I can just say read my blog. Oh, before I forget, the other principles were really cool. We got along really well and played football together and joked around. It made the day a lot easier to get through. One guy I had done a commercial with before for the Oakland A's and another guy named RJ, was a comedian magician who I had performed with before. He's very funny and very big and very bald, a sexy combination I must say.

Overall I had a great time, despite not having my own bathroom and couch...yes it bothers me that much. I have the bladder of a two year old, so it would have been nice.

Viva Las Vegas!

2004-09-08T19:01:00.000-07:00

Great News! I'm going to be going to Vegas for free in October. I competed this past week in the Laugh Across America Competition. This competition goes around to 15 different cities nationwide and has four categories: Mainstream Stand Up, Youth, Variety/Parody, and Comedy Club Pick. The Comedy Club Pick is the professional category where the comedy club the auditions are being held at picks comedians to perform. The Variety/Parody is the different kind of comedy where people sing or use props, etc. Youth is for people under the age of 18. And finally there is Mainstream which is the main category for regular comedians. I won the Mainstream Category for San Francisco.

Now some of you hard to please people may be like, "Why didn't you do the Comedy Club Pick?" "You get paid to do comedy, are you scurred of competition?" And to these people I say, stop writing in my blogs and get out of my head, you damn evil voices. I wanted to do the Comedy Club Pick, but in order to do that the Comedy Club that is holding the auditions has to invite you. The auditions were held at Cobbs Comedy Club. I've only performed there once, so the people there don't know me and I don't know them. Therefore when we see each other on the street, we just stare at each other awkwardly.

But it's a good thing I didn't do the Comedy Pick because San Francisco was the only city to not have a Comedy Club Pick advance to the finals. How embarrassing. Even Cleveland had a Comedy Club Pick. Who in the hell does comedy in Cleveland professionally? Maybe Drew Carey returned.

So yeah, I'm stoked. They will pay for my trip and put me up in the Golden Nugget for 5 days, which means 5 days of gambling, which means 5 years of debt to pay off because I just can't say no to Roulette or strippers. I will be competing against the other winners in the Mainstream Category for a whopping $1000.00. So if I win the money, then that means 20 more minutes of gambling, a private lapdance and an extra seafood buffet.

Now to be honest, I don't really care too much about the comedy competition portion. I am excited about being able to perform in the Las Vegas Comedy Festival in front of industry people. Hopefully I perform in front of and impress the right person who can make things happen for me. And hopefully they'll be from the entertainment industry, because I'm tired of being recruited by Las Vegas Pimps. (They make me feel so good about myself, it's hard to tell them no, especially if they pimp slap me.)

So who knows, this Vegas thing could be huge and open new doors for me or it can turn out to be just a free trip to Vegas. Either way, it's a win win situation. If your in Vegas, come and check me out. I'll be the one dry humping Siegfriend and Roy. Actually I guess it'll just be Roy since the other one is in the hospital...or was that Siegfried? Oh well, Viva Las Vegas Baby!

On a serious note...

2004-08-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

The comedy business is all about having fun and being funny. However, lots of people, comics included, don't realize the positive influence our trade can have on people. I wanted my last post to be funny so I left out a conversation I had with a lady who was in the audience.

After one of my shows at Tommy T's, a lady who was probably in her early 40's came up to me. She wanted to thank me for my performance. I get lots of "thank you's" from audience members, but this one was the most touching. She told me that she hadn't been to a comedy show in over 15 years and so that night had been the first time she's been to a comedy club in awhile. It was also the first time she had been out to anywhere in awhile. She had recently lost her daughter, who died in a car accident. Her daughter was only 15 when she died.

This lady, while choking back tears told me that that night was the first time she had been able to laugh and take her mind off of her daughter's death. This really made me feel good, because I never really considered the positive effect I could have on people while performing. I realize that doing comedy entertains people and makes them have a good night, but it can help people on a deeper level, such as this lady. I have come to appreciate my gift more and am glad that what I do can help people, whether it's as little as making someone smile, to something bigger such as making someone forget their problems or sorrows for a few hours and be happy.

I know this may come off as sappy, but I felt like I should share this, even if it's just for my own memories so I don't forget. I may not be a doctor who heals people or a soldier who protects people, but I am an entertainer who makes people happy and laugh, and that's not such a bad thing.

The last piece of advice she gave me was to stay focused and stay true to myself, because I have a gift and will go places with it.

To end, someone sent me a quote that they thought was appropriate for me.

"Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place." - Mark Twain

I couldn't agree more. Being a comedian isn't too bad of a job afterall.

The Death of an Audience

2004-08-30T17:24:00.000-07:00

This weekend I performed three shows at Tommy T's, a comedy club in Concord, CA. Yes Concord, CA, I know, my career is on FIRE! I was featuring with Rudy Moreno headlining. Rudy has been around for years and is a pretty big time comedian down in LA. He's done alot of tv work including NBC's Kingpin and a big role in an episode of The Shield on FX. The Shield is perhaps my favorite show and I own all the DVD boxsets. So I mentioned to Rudy how I remember him from the show. He didn't seem too interested in talking about it however, perhaps because he played a City Counselman who was caught getting a prostitute, oh wait that was me last weekend.

I had performed with Rudy once before at a college where I was a lowly emcee, so he hadn't seen my set before and probably didn't really remember me, which was fine. I mean I did run into the restroom and cry, but that's besides the point. Well Rudy is a really cool guy. We kicked it after each show and joked around and had some drinks. He also was impressed by my performances, but not the riverdancing I did after when the club turns into a dance club.

My homeboy, Tyson, also came along and did a guest set each show. It was his first time performing in a professional comedy show at a real comedy club. He did a nice job and it was cool seeing him pop his cherry on stage (apparently his act includes his losing his virginity on stage).

It was nice getting back on stage. I hadn't done a professional show in the last two months. Luckily I wasn't too rusty. The Friday show went pretty good. The stage was arranged differently that night due to the band that would be playing afterwards, so there wasn't much space to move around, which hindered my performance some because the crowd enjoys my pop n lockin and break dancing. At the beginnning of the show I knelt down to begin my set with a prayer to Allah and 10 minutes of meditation, (I'm known for my exciting starts) or I may have knelt down to set my water on the floor since their was no stool and as I stood up I hit my head on one of the stands on the stage. A real smooth start.

The first half of my set went well and then the alcohol kicked in and people started talking. Apparantly some people couldn't keep up with my story jokes because it requires you to listen as opposed to just watch. When people start talking you have to handle the situation appropriately so that you don't lose the crowd. Therefore I looked at the loudest talker, this fat white guy who was probably married to his cousin. I looked at him and said, "Hey!". This got his attention, which was perfect because then I shot him. I wanted to make sure I had his attention first because I didn't want to be rude and interrupt his conversation.

Well after I made an example of this guy, the crowd started listening to me again and I got them back to end the show. Afterwards I felt bad for the guy I shot and sent to the hospital. So to make up for it I bought a drink for his girl and then took her home and slept with her. Hopefully the guy will learn his lesson and have a good laugh about it after his surgery.

I had two shows Saturday night. Doing two shows in a night is tough and it made me realize that I need to start working out more, because I'm out of shape. On stage, I was sweating like a migrant worker stealing from the INS and it was a little embarassing when it started to smell like bacon. The 8 o clock show was packed and I had a career performance. Absolutely great from beginning to start. The only bad thing was when the microphone turned off, but I played it off well by panicking and wetting myself until it came back on. The 10 pm show was the toughest because I was tired and the crowd was small. But I did pretty well for the most part except for 1 or 2 jokes that fell flat on it's face. Overall, I did three really good shows and impressed the new owner of Tommy T's which is important. Plus I have a new tape out of it that I can send bookers. So it looks like my comedy is really excelling and I'm lookin forward to more featuring at more clubs.

Damn You Murphy!

2004-08-15T14:30:00.000-07:00

So Murphy's Law hit me again. For those of you who don't know what Murphy's Law is, please turn off the computer and go get your GED.

So I had a commercial shoot this Saturday for CISCO Systems. And of course, Friday morning I get sick and throw up. Now, when I throw up, it's not a normal reguritating. I retch with all my might and so when I do, all of the capillaries in my forehead and around my eyes bust. So by the time I'm done, I look like a raccoon who has been beaten with a stick. Once again, before a shoot, whatever can go wrong does go wrong. Before my Playstation commercial, I began losing my voice and barely had enough to spout out the monologue. Before my Star Wars commercial, I got a huge pimple on my nose, a place I never get pimples.

So now I'm spending all of Friday with an Ice Mask on my face looking like a gay Zorro. I'm freaking out, because I can imagine showing up to the shoot and them looking at my face and telling me that I can't do the commercial, because they aren't advertising UGLY.

So Saturday morning I arrive on set at 10:30 AM. Fortunately a lot of the redness has gone down, but it's still visible. The costume designer, Christine, was awesome and relieved my fears by telling me that they have a make-up person to do make-up (duh, what else would they do with that title). I let out a big sigh of relief and a little fart, which made Christine giggle and then gag. The make-up artist caked a layer of make-up on my face and made me pretty. Having all that make-up on, I wish I had my gay Zorro ice mask, because I would have been a hit in San Francisco. I shouldn't have worried about my face though, because if Edward James Olmos can do acting with those huge acne potholes in his face, then they should be able to take care of little blemishes.

It was a long, hard day of work on the set. I got into my security costume and sat around for about 30 minutes. Then I spent 2 minutes signing contracts and then sat around for 30 more minutes, reading my FHM magazine, playing Gameboy, doing mathematical formulas and coming up with a cure for Cancer. I was then summoned onto set to do my first scene.

My first scene was very complicated and required true acting training. I stood behind the security desk and as another actress walked by and delivered her line, she looked at me when she said "security" and I nodded at her as she continued to walk by. Now to you people who aren't in the "biz," you probably think that this is an easy task. But you don't realize how many things I have to take into consideration while "acting". I have to develop a character. Am I a happy security guard or am I pissed off? Is it a polite nod, or is it a sexual nod? Do I nod and then continue to look outside or do I nod, lick my lips and then continue to stare at her as she walks away looking at her butt. See, acting is so complicated.

My next scene was a close up of me standing behind the security desk. This time I would spout out a few short lines and they will use one of them in the commerical. Some lines include "more security" "more voice" "more reliability" "more protection" "more inside". So I say these lines over and over using different inflections in my voice. One time I'll be like "more security" saying it like a question, and the next time I'll be saying "more security" as if I'm demanding it. It's great skill to do this and according to the crew, "I was brilliant" and "could use some deoderant".

So after about 30 minutes of shooting we wrap the scene and eat lunch which was Italian from a restuarant that I assume is Italian as well. I could have left after my scene, however, I never turn down a free meal because I'm cheap and poor...and Mexican, and we all know minorities don't turn down free food.

After lunch, I gathered my stuff and said my goodbye's. It was 12:30 pm. A whole 2 hour day of shooting. I love the life of an actor. In those two hours I'll make what I make in 2 weeks at my part-time job at the blood bank or in 20 hours of working as a rodeo clown.

So the commercial will be played live on the Cisco website on September 14th at 8:00 AM Pacific time. People world wide will be able to see me as a security guard. The website is www.cisco.com/go/isr You have to register on the site in order to view the wesbcast, which is free to register. So if you want to look at it, log on around 7:30 so you can register. The commercial is to advertise some big time product that Cisco is releasing. And that was my big day on the Cisco Commercial Shoot.

On Fire...Kind of...Not Really...

2004-08-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

So, I know that I said in my last post last week that I would write what happened in the Avalon Competition that I was in. Well, I wanted to wait till I got paid before I said anything. I got paid my $200 prize yesterday, so here it goes.

The Avalon Competition is a big piece of crooked crap. I rocked the finals and it was obvious to everyone that I should have came in first place, second place at the very least. On the "judges" scorecards, I was tied for first place with the other two comics who placed, yet somehow I mysteriously placed in third. On the three scorecards, I came in first place on one, second place on another and third place on the last one. That averages out to second place. How the hell did I come in third you may ask? Cuz the freakin competition is ghetto and poorly ran. The owner of the club and host of the competition went in with the judges when told it was a tie and manipluated them into picking their two favorite comics. After the show, when the host was talking to the three of us, the owner even came up and told the other two that they were his favorite comics and that he knew they would win when he first saw them perform. Then this Indian douche looked at me and told me that he had never seen me perform till tonight.

Now I may sound bitter, but if hoping that a club and the owner become bankrupt and have to sell the ghetto club again to new management or that the club burns down to the ground is bitter, then call me bitter. The owner even looks like a slimeball with his long greesy hair and attitude. I hope he gets stuck in the worse part of Oakland during a riot, then he'll see how tough he really is in the real world. And the host was horrible. He sucks as a wannabe comedian and only hosts because he works for the club. He is not funny, never starts the show on time and does wayyyy too much time in between comics. He thinks he's funny, but he just annoys and pisses off everyone in the audience.

Ok, the problem I had with the competition is that they pick three random people from the audience to judge. They put the fate of $1500 in the hands of three people who know nothing about comedy. They have no idea which comedians are doing hack or original material. They don't understand about comedic timing or creativity. Would it be so hard to get three real judges who actually know something about comedy to judge? Plus, audiences are stupid and lose objectivity. The guy who goes last is the one that they all remember and if he does well, then they forget about those who went second or first.

So who won? Surprise surprise, the guy who went last won. The guy is a great guy, an old guy who audiences like because he's an old guy who talks about being old, smoking weed, etc etc. *sarcasm coming up* It's funny though because he has great delivery and well it's funny to see old people talk about sex and weed I guess. He is my nemesis because he beat me in another competition as well, where he performed last and the audience voted. I wish I could hate him, but he's a nice guy. He should have came in third place in my opinion.

The guy who came in second came out of nowhere. People believed it would be between me, this other guy named Slappy and the guy who came in first. Nobody had this guy ranked in the top three, except for the stupid judges and owner of the club. This guy has a dating show on UPN that is pretty new. His act consists mostly of impersonations. I believe he ended with impersonations of Arnold Schwartznegger, Jack Nicholson, and Keanu Reeves. Real original stuff ;) *wink sarcastic wink* but audiences love impersonations. What can I say, you guys are monkeys and impersonations are like bananas cuz it doesn't require you to think. Now dance monkeys dance.

I feel bad for Slappy, because he should have came in second or third at least, but ended up not even placing. Of course, he won't say anything because he doesn't want to piss anyone off or burn bridges. He even congratulated us on the SFComedy Board. I on the other hand, don't care what bridges I burn in comedy, because there are no bridges in San Francisco, which is why I'm getting tired of having to deal with small time bookers and clubs who think they are big time. If I had any bridges to burn, then I would be getting gigs and not wasting time in retarded competitions. Plus this is my blog and I'll rant and rave about what I want since I know nobody but my homeboy in Iraq reads this because he does nothing else but sit on his ass and hide from his boss so he doesnt have to work. Haha, be safe Kiyo and holla at ya boy!

So I am done with these whack, poorly ran competitions... Well, actually I did enter another one yesterday. I am now in the San Jose Improv Battle of the Bay competition. I did a prelim yesterday and advanced to the quarterfinals. Honestly, I could have cared less about this competition. The only reason I did it was because they cancelled the Wednesday showcases there and I needed to get up and remind the guy who books the club who I am so that he'll continue booking me and remember to call me, since he hasn't called in quite awhile. Fortunately, he caught my set and we talked afterwards and hopefully he'll call. Otherwise I will continue to stalk him and put horse heads in his bed. The prelims and quarterfinals are judged by the dreaded audience. Therefore, whoever has the most friends in the audience wins. Hence me coming in second place with zero friends in the audience and the guy who placed first being the guy who brought half the audience. The guy who came in third brought the other half of the audience. Both of them sucked of course, but what can you do. My homeboy Tyson should have placed, but he doesn't have friends either and went up early so was forgotten by the end. If I dont advance it is no big deal and I refuse to let any friends come to the show for the first two rounds when it's audience votes, because I want to advance through impressing strangers. The semifinals and finals have real judges, so they can come then if they want.

What else is happening? I will be joining the Screen Actors Guild this upcoming week. A nice $1453 dent in my pocket. I did get booked for an industrial film to be shot this Saturday for Cisco Systems, a computer company. An industrial film are those horrible films that you watch when you get hired at a company. All of the ones I've seen have terrible acting, so I'm not too worried about my performance. The industrials I have seen are ones that are about sexual harrassment, etc. Maybe I'll get lucky will be able to grab someone's ass or something. I didn't even audition for the part, I was booked off of my headshot, so that was nice because I wasn't expecting it. Of course my headshot was from when I was 18, so they will have a nice surprise when they see a 50 pound heavier version of me. And I play a security guard. I'm quite experienced in this role having worked 2 summers as a security before while in college. So I guess my life has come full circle from security guard back to security guard (sigh) how sad. Oh well, money is money and work is work.

Whew, i'm tired from this ranting. I need to post more so that I can get it out as it happens and don't have it all bottled up. Oh well, it gives you people something to read if your interested in my life.

Gettin some love

2004-08-02T18:50:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a great day. I received two, count them TWO gig offers. The first gig was from my booker's company, GFI Entertainment, not Jimmy, who is my main booker, but his parter who does colleges called and offered me a gig in October at Chico State University.

Chico State has a special place in my heart because it was my very first paid college gig and my very first gig with GFI or any booker for that matter. It was the fall of 2001 and I was an emcee doing a show with Shang Forbes and Andrew Norelli, both of whom are good friends of mine now. It was a great show and I did well despite being nervous because this was my first big gig. I was even on the poster, which I thought was the tightest thing ever. My mexican side came out, because I stole a poster to bring home and still have it framed in my room (framing it must come from my white side). Plus I got paid $300 to do 15 minutes. So now I'm thinking, damn, comedy pays really well. This is my first gig and I'm already making $300/night. Of course, I quickly learned that most of my other gigs don't pay nearly this much. Most clubs, not all clubs, but most pay lousy. They usually pay me in cheddar cheese and bubble gum. It's the college and corporate gigs that pay the big dinero (that means money in Spanish, geez go to McDonalds sometime and learn some Spanish will ya).

Chico State is also a lot of fun. They have this reputation as a party school, and well...it's a well deserved reputation because they know how to have fun. And when you're out in Chico, CA, I guess there isn't much else to do but party and drink. Chico isn't going to be a big museum and arts place like SF unless all the cows start painting. So Chico is fun, I met alot of cool people there. It's always a nice place when white girls will come up and talk to me. Alot of times they get intimidated around me, or at least until I take my ski mask off.

I'm working on a parody of the Usher song Burn to do. Maybe I can get it polished and bust it out in Chico. Basically the song talks about Burning from Herpes.

The second phone call I received was from the San Diego Comedy Festival. They wanted to know if I would like to perform this week in it. Usually I would have jumped at this chance, because there is a lot of prize money at stake and one can never see too many donkey shows in Tijuana. However, this time I have to say no, because my little brother flies in tomorrow for the week, so I can't drag him down to San Diego. I have to stay here and make him dance for money at Pier 39 in SF. People love when I stand behind him and shout out "Dance monkey, Dance!" while he pops and locks. But he gets a $1 burger after he puts in his 8 hours, so that should keep him happy.

But back to San Diego. They must be hurting for comedians, because I only sent in a registration. I didn't follow up with a press kit because they require a $25 fee and I didn't have $25 to spend. I think we can all agree that midget hookers aren't as cheap as they used to be. They are in high demand these days apparently. So they must be taking anyone, which sucks because that means the competition must not be as tough, making my chance at winning higher.

Tomorrow night is the finals of this Avalon Bay Area Competition that I'm in. I'll keep notes on the other comics and write up an evaluation of the night. It'll either be very positive or very negative, depending on if I win or not. There is $1500 at stake for first place, so I have to bust out the gut buster jokes...well i guess I should write some gut busters first so I can bust them out (HEHEHEHEHE) -imagine me squeeling like a little girl. I have some nice chuckle jokes and jokes that make you go "Ahh, that's very true. This gentleman on stage has a good point. Not funny, but true nonetheless. Where's the waitress? I'm could use another drink. Don't tell me I don't need another drink! You're not my mother!... Don't touch me. (burp) I have to go pee. I'll be back." (HEHEHEHEHEHE)

Damn You Rooster T Feathers!

2004-07-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

Well I headlined at Rooster T Feathers Comedy Club in Sunnyvale, CA. For those who don't know about Rooster's, it's a very nice club in Silicon Valley that caters to the Silicon Valley type, ie white and Indian. This is perhaps one of the hardest clubs I've ever performed at. For some reason, I do decent to well there, however, I don't KILL. I hate not being able to KILL at a place. And I can't figure the audience out. They will laugh at stupid stuff and other comedians who are ok, but when I go up there they act like I'm going to rob them. I don't want to call the audience stupid, but they should know that I would only rob them in the parking lot, not in the actual club where I'm trying to get work at.

I hate not being able to figure an audience out. Usually you can feel them out and know if they want clean, dirty, political, sexual, racial, etc type of humor. Well I decided that since it was a white audience to try and be clean with as little sexual humor and cussing as possible. Other comedians before me did well and were alot more dirty than I was. So I'm on stage and my first bit, which is one of my very best bits because it always does well, it's like one of my aces in my deck of cards, well it doesn't do very well. I tend to tell stories that unfold and have punchlines throughout. This place decides to wait till the very last punchline before deciding whether they will laugh or stare at you and make you feel like kicking them. This is hard when you do long bits, because you rely on the laughter to build up to the end and keep momentum going. Silence is not a very good confidence booster on stage.

Luckily, I get them going pretty well with my college material, weight bits, and disney and internet gangs. The racial jokes for the most part do well, except for when I do a bit referring to white people being more likely to have incest, which I totally understand. I do it more for my benefit then theirs.

What sucks the most is that I don't think the owner of the club stayed for any if not the first few minutes of my set. I did this set in order for her to see me perform live and decide whether to book me or not. If she only saw my bomb the first joke, then I'm done there. I didn't see her after my set so I went home with my tail inbetween my legs (I have a really long butt). I figure if she emails me and wants to book me then cool, and if not, then oh well. This club's crowd may not be the crowd for me. They seem to enjoy more of the, how should I put it, "White" comedians like Gary Shandling. I think the only non-white comedian picture they had on the wall was Margeret Cho.

So I bid farewell to Rooster T Feathers and it's cracker-fest. I guess I'll stick to the clubs that have that certain element I like to call minorities. Actually, what gets me is that I usually do very well in front of white people. Its just THESE white people who get don't get me :( Maybe I should write more puns and analogy's for jokes so they can be pleased.

Actually I think I'm going to start focusing on my acting more than my comedy. At least for now while I'm in the bay area. For comedy I will do showcases to keep fresh and competitions and festivals. As far as getting booked, my main booker doesnt seem to want to book me anymore seeing as how I haven't heard from him in 2 months and can't get him to take or return my phone calls or emails. Oh well, it's his loss...right? *sniff* Please take me back booker. Well acting is paying more than comedy ever will right now, so I'm happy as long as I got something good going on. If you read this, sorry it wasn't very funny, I just felt like venting and I was trying to not cuss in case my mom reads it or something.

I got a pimple

2004-07-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

Well today I wanted to talk about a couple of things: how my commercial shoot went and how my comedy show went last night.

For some reason, my body likes to mess with me. I think it's self-destructive, because whenever I get a big gig something happens. When I did my PlaysStation 2 commercial, the night before I started to lose my voice. I barely made it through the shoot with the little bit of voice I had. I had that deep, sexy voice, it was sexy except for every 2 minutes when I had to make that ugly clearing your throat noise. So I get booked on Friday for this Battlefront commercial that shoots on Monday. And out of nowhere this gigantic pimple erupts onto the side of my nose. This is my self-destructive body going to work, because I never get pimples on my nose, and never that big. This thing looked like a colony had formed. When I get pimples it's where my facial hair grows as a result of ingrown hairs. So I am freaking out because I can picture myself showing up and they look at my pimple and are like, yeah, we can't use you in the commercial with that thing on your face. But the shoot takes place at this ILM studio which is owned by LucasArts and does the special effects and art for hundreds of movies including Star Wars. So I'm thinking that they can CGI it off my face or make it turn into an ewok or something. Fortunately, this was a big time shoot, so they had a professional make-up artist there who went to work on it and miraculously made it disappear under 20 coats of makeup. So the pimple was handled.

Now the shoot was great, and the people from the ad agency and crew were awesome. It is amazing to see the crew create completely different sets between shots. Every scene was shot on a greenscreen so that they can add us into the actual Star Wars movie. The commercial is to show how realistic the game is to the movie and as a result you feel like you in the movie, so it has 6 of us normal people running in scenes from the movie. There will be 2 commercials made from the shoot and I'll either be running through snow after a stormtrooper or shooting in a jungle at some ewoks. It was some oscarworthy performances I must say. So it was a 12 hour shoot which means overtime and some extra cha-ching. I hate when actors talk about how they have 15 hour days on sets, etc and how its a lot of work. I did a 12 hour day and did probably 30 minutes of work at the beginning of the day and 10 minutes of work at the end of the day. In between I chilled and read magazines, took naps, played videogames, read the bible and the koran and then did a comparison essay, so much was accomplished. I love acting and would probably prefer to act than do comedy full-time. The money is a lot better and you get treated like a king as opposed to shit in comedy rooms.

Now last night I performed at the Avalon Club in Santa Clara as part of a comedy competition. This was the second and last week of the "Pre-Finals" stage. Yeah, have you ever heard of a competition with "PREFINALS". I haven't till now. The competition seems to have lasted about 6 months so it is good to finally be at the end. I killed that night and will be going to court later this month for first degree...hehehehehe...no. But I did do very well and placed first out of the five people selected to advance to the finals which will take place this upcoming Tuesday. Hopefully I win, because otherwise I'd be a loser. Plus the prize is $1,500 and thats a lot of pokemon cards I can buy with that kind of scratch. Scratch? I sound like I'm from the 50's. So, seeing as how the competition has been dragged out so long, I think that if I win the finals then they'll probably make me advance to the post finals or something.

Well tonight I will be headlining a showcase at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale. I'm looking forward to it, because if I want to get booked there then I need to do well. When I sent the owner my tape she said that it wasn't very funny and she didn't hear many laughs. Which is crazy, because I personally dubbed in a laugh track. (It's hard to get an audience to come and watch you perform in your living room.) So once again I will have to jump through some hoops like the good little comedian I am and prove myself to people, club by club. With my luck there will be only 5 people in the audience and they'll be the waitresses wondering where the hell they went wrong in life to end up serving at a empty club on a wed night. I'll let you know how it goes...

Star Wars: Battlefront

2004-07-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

This is great. I finally have a blogger thing. Now all you people out there can really get to know me deeper than what you can get from my website. The first thing I want to talk about is my new commercial that I landed. It's for Star Wars: Battlefront, which I hear is a new videogame that will be coming out on PC, XBOX and PS2. I'm excited because it's a national commercial that will be played on Cable, Network and in foreign markets. Plus it's a funny commercial, which hopefully will mean more airtime and MONEY! This is my second national commercial in the past 2 months. My last commercial was for PS2 Online. The videogame industry is being very generous to me lately, which works for me since I've spent hundreds of dollars on videogames and PS2 stuff. So it's time I got my money back.

The audition for the commercial was great. I showed up and read the sides and it said that one of the characters was obviously out-of-shape, which is PC for obviously fat. I knew my chances of getting the commercial just went up 50%. Usually when I audition for stuff, I try and look as thin as possible, wearing loose shirts and blankets, etc. Having lost 50 pounds in the past year (Thank you ATKINS), I was worried that I would come across as too anorexic on camera with my 260+ pound body. So when I read the script I tore off my lose shirt and auditioned in my thin, belly hugging undershirt. And in auditions they make you do a profile shots where you face the camera then turn to the left and then the right, very similar to a prison line-up where they make you do your profiles. I don't know if they make everyone do this at an audition or if they did this especially for me to make me feel more at home. But as I did my profiles, I made sure to try and stick out my stomach to appear as much as Buddha as possible. Apparantly it worked because I landed the role later that week.

The only bad part is that I was suppose to go down to LA and perform at the Conga Room the same day as the commercial shoot (which is Monday, July 26th). The show is for consideration to be in this new documentary on latino stand up comedians, called "standUP". Unfortunately, I had to cancel. Hopefully I can reschedule for the following Monday.

Well this is my first Blog. I like this. I will try and post stuff alot and hopefully someone will eventually read it.